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Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
In-laws who like you TOO much?
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Anonymous
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I've been meaning to post this for a while...I have the opposite problem of many of the women on this board in that my inlaws seem to like me a little too much, or try too hard or something, I'm not sure. Its not any one thing, just a whole bunch of little things that I find annoying or uncomfortable. Here are some examples:
1. Whenever they phone (about twice per week - they live in NY), they always want to speak to both DH and me. If DH says I am busy/not there, which is often a lie, they ask me to call them back when I am available, even though they just want to chit chat and have nothing real to say. If I don't call them back (and I confess that sometimes I don't because I have nothing really to say), they comment on it the next time they speak to me. "Oh, its been so long since we've spoken to you!! We left a message for you to call us!" or something like that. 2. They are very interested (nosy?) about my pregnancies. When are the prenatal visits? What happens at the prenatal visits? Are you wearing mat. clothes yet? How much are you showing? Does the baby move yet? How much/often? How do you feel? How do you sleep? These questions would be fine occasionally but they are constant, even when the answers don't change! NO, I don't think the baby is moving more than when I talked to you 3 DAYS AGO!!! When MIL called to tell us that DH's cousin had her baby, MIL actually told us the precise time that the cousin had her "bloody show"!! Gross! I don't need to know that and I'm sure that the cousin doesn't want her going around telling everyone! 3. They are "huggers and kissers" - if you know what I mean. Not just parents/children/close friends, but practically everyone they meet. On the rare occasion they see my parents, they hug them, which my parents think is weird. They hug our random friends, even if they've never met previously! When they visit us, everyone has to hug and kiss (on the cheek) everyone else. If they are sleeping overnight somewhere else (like BIL's house) we have to hug/kiss each night and morning of their visit, not just the initial arrival and final departure. Their hugs are really long and tight and I think incredibly awkward, especially FIL. Oh, did I mention that FIL calls me "Hon" (I guess like honey?) - which bugs me also. I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is, but does anyone else experience this? Any tips for how I can get through to them my feelings without hurting theirs? I mean, I have a mom and a dad that I'm close to and I'm totally fine with a standard in-law relationship. I don't need another set of parents. I think DH has a very normal relationship with my parents - they get along fine, talk on the phone occasionally when they need to, and enjoy their visits. But my parents don't pretend like DH is "their son" and he is just fine with that! Am I all alone here? |
Anonymous
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Your DH did not spring from a cabbage patch - his parents are part of the package and neither you or he can change them. And what would you say anyway - don't love me so much?
They live in NY, you live here. Presumably they visit a few times a year to see their children and spouses, and probably most importantly their grandchildren. Shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes, breathe in and out, whatever works, but bottom line is I think you have to Put Up and Shut Up about the behavior that bugs you. And count your blessings - bringing too much affection to the relationship is a relatively minor in law aggravation 
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Anonymous
| Well - You just can't win in this world! |
Anonymous
My MIL is just like what OP described and I agee with PP's suggested approach. Given the distance (she is also in NYC) I just grin and bear it when she is around and I make sure my husband answers the telehone when she calls. Op you really do not have to call back, and when you do speak there are a thousand tricks that you can use to cut the conversation short. For example, Ooops my roast is burning, gotta run, talk to you another time. |
Anonymous
| You have actually described my parents - well at least my mother - minus a few details. I grew up in a large Italian family where everyone is family - close friends and in-laws. Lots of hugging and kissing, and yes gossiping, etc. My husband's family is on the other hand, while friendsly and helpful, colder in terms of affection. My siblings/cousins and I often discuss the differences in our family and our in-laws. I think it is important to keep in mind every family has their norms and their own culture to a point. Just b/c it is different than yours does not make it right or wrong (and vice versa). My advice would be to try to deal with it in as graceful a way as possible. And when possible use your husband as a shield but except those consequences. |
Anonymous
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How about you greet them next time with a big wet sloppy kiss on the lips and then go into detail on your last birth for at least 5-10 minutes (contractions, fluid emmissions, other emissions, farting, crowning, pooping....), maybe even BEFORE they have a chance to put their coats down!
Could be a turn off to even the most involved of in-laws?? |
Anonymous
| My family is like that, we are super close south american family. My husband thought it was a little weird a the beginning but now he loves that they always want to know whats going on and he think its great that everyone cares about whats going on with DS and he wants that closeness for us. His family is not as close, but i make sure to call them and tell them what DS is doing. You don't really have to see them, so one phone call once a week is not going to kill you. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you grew up in a different sort of household so you're not comfortable with that level of initimacy with your in-laws. They sound lovely to me but I grew up in a family that sounds a lot like your husband's. Clearly when you married their son they embraced you as a daughter. I agree there's no right or wrong, it's all about your personal boundaries and comfort level. If it's true they only vist a few times a year I agree that you should continue to be gracious and suck it up. As far as the phone calls... yeah, that's certainly a bit much and I don't think you're obligated to talk to them every single time they call. I don't think you can overtly tell them to back off in a way that won't be damaging to your relationship, but you can let them know you rarely have time to talk on the phone these days or something like that...and tell them your DH keeps you updated on everything. As long as you're gracious and kind there's really nothing they can say about it. |
Anonymous
| I agree with most of the pps. Your husband's family sounds like mine, only mine is 1/2 an hour down the road! It drives him crazy sometimes, but he knows it's out of love. Given that they're in NY, I would just suck it up. It could be so much worse. As for the calls, you don't need to talk to them every time. They'll eventually get the hint. And if they don't, well, you still don't have to talk to them every time. I would just be grateful that they like you so much and try to focus on their positive traits. |
Anonymous
| I agree with PP, and it will actually be really nice for your kids that their grandparents care so much and are so interested in them. My grandparents were like that and it was invaluable to me. |
Anonymous
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OP - it actually does help to hear all of this. I guess it doesn't help that I am currently 31 weeks pg and still recovering from their most recent visit.
I did want to clarify one thing though. DH and his sibs (who both also live in the area) are definitely NOT as close to their parents as I am to mine. I think thats why all the hugging/nosiness feels so awkward. It just doesn't come naturally at all! My mom is one of my best friends in the world (she also lives out of town) and when I talk to her that's how it feels. DH would never discuss the kinds of things with his parents (like feelings/frustrations/stresses) that I talk about with my mom all of the time. Its all just mundane updates from both sides...we ate dinner with the so-and-sos, we bought a new dishwasher, blah blah blah. Anyway, sometimes you just need to be told to suck it up. Which I obviously did. |
Anonymous
| I am the OP - I wrote the previous post, but after reading it I should have written "OP here". Instead it sounds like I was addressing the OP. |
pollyanna
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Men seldom do talk about such things no matter how close they are to their mums. |
Anonymous
| What are you complaining about? It sounds like you struck gold with your in-laws. I am sure there are a ton of women out there who would give limbs to have their in-laws show interest in them and accept them as your in-laws seem to have accepted you. Imagine how hurt your in-laws would be (and your husband) if they knew you were so ungrateful about their acceptance of you. |
Anonymous
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I am going to guess that this is your first baby and that the in laws are super excited about it?
If so, I was so there about 8 months ago. I gave birth to a DD and so that has opened a bigger box of worms - just wait. MIL is great. Very interested, loves to chat, calls on Saturday mornings at like 9am (oh, did I wake you?), etc. but she is so nice and caring and hard to be mad at. FIL is a little bit more low key and kinda just goes along. I take it for what its worth despite how annoying it can be at times. She spoiled me with maternity clothes during my pregnancy and took me out to lunch when I was at home on bed rest (she lives locally). She completly spoils my DD, but that is ok. Everything in moderation. Hang in there. I know it is annoying at times, but think of all the posts with horror stories about other people's MILs. Good luck! |