In-laws who like you TOO much?

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain! My in-laws are the same way -- almost too nice, WAY too interested in the minute details of my life, and it drives me crazy!! A few weeks after I gave birth to #1, my SIL asked me if I was still bleeding! I actually summoned the courage to tell her that the question was more personal than I was comfortable with. They also like to call/email me INSTEAD of my husband about anything related to our son (e.g., What should I get him for his birthday? What size are his clothes?). It drives me bananas, because it's so sexist on top of everything else. But, yeah, it's one of those problems where it's hard to do anything much about without risking making them hate me. But thank goodness for Caller ID! And be grateful that their visits are fairly infrequent. My in-laws also live in NY and think they are being restrained by asking to visit us "only" once a month!

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my family--hubby used to be annoyed by this but I had to laugh that the other day when he left for work he said "group hug" just like my mom and dad do when they leave for home (in philly). I do think you need to lighten up--how many people on this board complain that their families are completely not interested in them--maybe some of these posts will get you to loosen up a bit..life is tough enough without focusing on silly things like your inlaws showing too much affection.

[Anonymous]

I have the "problem" too. I agree that it's best to grin and bear it, and if the conversation/questions become too personal to change topics or say you are not comfortable.

It's infinitely better than the opposite. However, anyone who says there is no issue here has not been asked by their MIL the day after birth if she (poster) is walking funny due to stiches.

[Anonymous]

For some reason those kinds of questions from other women who had been through childbirth never bothered me... about bleeding, stitches, etc... I knew that they had been through it themselves and were only trying to connect with me on some level. I guess I'm pretty open about these things in general and my MIL is aware of this.
But your in-laws need to respect your boundaries and while it's clear they mean well, they're not tuning in to you.

[Anonymous]

It's funny to hear all the comments about the "personal" questions. I guess I'm on the other side of the spectrum - not bothered by these things and come from a touchy-feely family. I actually had my MIL in the room with us during the birth. I think it was actually a little too much for her and later found out she hadn't planned to be there but ended up there b/c of the circumstances. Here I thought I was doing this wonderful thing by inviting her. That's probably how they feel, OP - that they're doing a great thing by treating you like a close family member, even though they're really annoying you.

[Anonymous]

It could be worse- be happy they will want to be involved in your baby's life- that is so important

[Anonymous]

Every time that I get annoyed with my in-laws, who are super touchy feeling and involved, I remind myself that I too will have a daughter-in-law one day and I hope that she is open to my involvement. When it gets too much, I let DH handle matters.

[Anonymous]

Same here. After a rough patch that I went through they even said "I love you," and I just couldn't say it back, which I felt badly about...I am just not that comfortable having so much intimacy with them...they are great people and for the most part, respect our boundaries so I can't complain too much. I usually have DH answer phone. And yes, FIL (and my own father) have both asked me whether I was dilated. That was a surprise and a bit uncomfortable w/ both!

[Anonymous]

Seems like most people who responded don't know what it's like to have annoying in-laws! There are boundaries and it's just not the same as with your own family -- you can tell your own family to back off but it's not so easy to say to your in-laws. But there has to be a better solution that to just grin and bear it. The problem is that this caring too much is actually pushy and intrusive... oh wait, I think I am talking about my own in-laws.

[Anonymous]

OP- LOL, it sounds like you just described my in-laws! I'm 32 weeks pregnant with their FIRST grandchild, and they are SO excited. All of the hugging, asking for details, etc. can get rather annoying. But in the end, I think I'm lucky to have in-laws that really care and embrace me as a daughter. There are worse problems to have! In my particular case, the in-laws require (and I think appreciate!) directness. My DH will often tell them to back off if they become too overbearing, and they seem fine with it (they admit to being "overwhelming" at times!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - it actually does help to hear all of this. I guess it doesn't help that I am currently 31 weeks pg and still recovering from their most recent visit.

I did want to clarify one thing though. DH and his sibs (who both also live in the area) are definitely NOT as close to their parents as I am to mine. I think thats why all the hugging/nosiness feels so awkward. It just doesn't come naturally at all! My mom is one of my best friends in the world (she also lives out of town) and when I talk to her that's how it feels. DH would never discuss the kinds of things with his parents (like feelings/frustrations/stresses) that I talk about with my mom all of the time. Its all just mundane updates from both sides...we ate dinner with the so-and-sos, we bought a new dishwasher, blah blah blah.

Anyway, sometimes you just need to be told to suck it up. Which I obviously did.

I think you've pinned the point here. It's not a natural thing. It's like they're being nosy and wrapping it up in affection. It's as if they are so sweet you can't get mad at them and you feel guilty. I have a good relationship with my In-Laws.....they live about 2 miles from me and they are very nice to me. It's just hard to deal with someone else's family. When I got married, my Mom asked me if I was going to call my MIL "Mom". She wanted me to know it would be "okay" with her.....which it totally wouldn't be.....she was probably looking for me to say "No"! I can't even imagine calling her Mom. Luckily, she doesn't ask me to and I call her by her first name. My Parents tell my husband they love him and his Parents tell me but we never say it back to each other's Parents. We are both close with our families and see them several times a month as well as being on the phone a lot, but I am a little closer with mine just because my family is a lot more open with each other. Also, we are the huggers. When I go to a playgroup I think I kiss my daughter about 10 times more than the average Mom there and they are not unaffectionate with their children. When I complain about my MIL my Mom tells me to be thankful for what I have because she loves me and is good to me. I know it's true, but she can still drive me nuts with her little sidebar comments about my weight (I'm a size 8....she has an odd view of weight) or her opinions about where we live or what we do with our finances. I have to remind myself that this is her child and she can't just "let go" like that and one day I will want the same respect from my In-Laws. Maybe I won't get it, but at least I won't feel like it's because I modeled the bad behavior. I feel that my children will see how I treat our Parents and they will learn what a family is like from that. It amazes me when people treat their Parents like crap and then expect their children will not grow up and do the same. Our families are extensions, not replacements of the family we grew up in. These are also the Grandparents of your child and while they may not be "parental" to you, they certainly are to them so sometimes sucking it up (as you're doing already) is the best way to make a great relationship for your children and that is so important. Anyway, my whole point is that I understand where you're coming from and you are doing a good job. Good luck!