Jealous of a Social Media Obsession

[Anonymous]

My wife has recently become consumed by some kind of social media. As soon as a look away she is fast to her iPhone. Always checking it, over and over. The crazy thing is this is making me feel jealous, and insecure. I want to afford her privacy and space, but this obsession is intruding on our space, morning and evening. How do I broach this?

[Anonymous]

"Get off your damn phone."

[Anonymous]

Block her from DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Block her from DCUM

Bwahahaha!

[Anonymous]

Is she on it for work purposes? Like does she have to be on call or check many e-mails for work? If so, perhaps you can ask her if she can do that all before say 7PM, and after that, can she please unplug so that you don't have to share her?

If she is just doing it to be connected to people, then you might want to be a more exciting spouse so anything that is interesting her on social media pales in comparison to what you have to offer her.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I think asking for device free time is a good idea. It's been frustrating. She focuses in, smirks, looks concerned, etc. if I ask what has her attention she hesitates, says something like, just my boss trying to arrange a mtg, when that us clearly not the story. So, I feel like she's hiding something from me. That's new in a more than 20 year relationship. It has me anxious and uneasy. I'd like it to diminish, but I don't want to over react. I could use someone to talk me out of my growing anxiety.

[Anonymous]

We have a "no tech in the bed" rule, so we always have that 45 minutes, an hour, where we read and talk with each other. So you have a chance to connect at the end of every evening. Does she use the phone at the dinner table? That would drive me crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP if it makes you feel any better, I'm like your DW (addicted to the phone) but am looking at makeup or fitness websites but am too embarrassed to tell my husband. Makeup seems like a frivolous hobby for a grown woman and I also feel embarrassed that I like to read so much about fitness. It could be something as harmless as that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am also married to someone who is addicted to his iPhone. I understand the many reasons that he's addicted to Facebook. I am absolutely confident that he's not cheating (unless you consider emotional attachment to Facebook "cheating", which I do not). I have felt neglected, occasionally, by his virtual relationships, but I try to remind myself that for my introvert husband, whose "people" are largely far-flung around the country, this is his social network. If these people were local, we would be over at their houses for BBQs. We'd go on double dates while sharing a babysitter.

The difference between my situation and yours is that my husband isn't clearly lying to me about what he's doing. Possibly this is because he's not ashamed of his social media interactions because I've never made him feel like those are frivolous things to be doing. Possibly it's because he's not doing anything that would threaten our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 9:07. I think embarrassment has something to do with the lying. I recently discovered she's blogging, talking about romance stories (some might say mommy porn). I think I have to let here keep her secret and find a way to give her that space. It's harmless, right? Just online imagination. I can kind of see embarrassment as a reason for being so secretive, but I do wish she would share. The secrecy is kind of hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 9:07. I think embarrassment has something to do with the lying. I recently discovered she's blogging, talking about romance stories (some might say mommy porn). I think I have to let here keep her secret and find a way to give her that space. It's harmless, right? Just online imagination. I can kind of see embarrassment as a reason for being so secretive, but I do wish she would share. The secrecy is kind of hurtful.

Gosh OP, you sound like a sweetheart. I would not want my husband to feel I had a secret and feeling this kind of distress. I would advise you just reach out and talk to her about your insecurities. Its something new, and "I wish you would share, the secrecy is kind of hurtful" is about the most non threatening statement of loving concern I can think of.

I appreciate that you want to give her space, but because you mentioned blogging about romance stories/mommy porn, Im getting a bit uncomfortable too. How did you "discover" this? How is your intimate life otherwise? These are important considerations.

[Anonymous]

The discovery was accidental, an open tab on a browser. Now I look it up sometimes, and here we are. The irony is that the "intimate" aspect of things has been great for a while. I've been trying to rationalize, "maybe this is the fuel she is using to connect with me."

At the same time, the depth of the infatuation is worrisome to me. I feel like she's fallen for the idea of someone who's not real, which makes me some kind of compromise on her part.

I told you it was crazy. I'd really like to let her have this secret and not be bothered by it. Any help with the mental gymnastics to pull that off would be most appreciated.

[Anonymous]

If it is a new thing, she may just need some time to let the novelty wear off. I know some couples have had this issue when one starts in with Facebook or Tumblr. At some point it isn't so new & exciting. And yes, the mommy porn aspect is a benefit for you I do think you should tell her know you know what she is doing just to get it out in the open, not in an accusatory or confrontational manner.

[Anonymous]

Eh, don't refer to it as mommy porn. It's dismissive. And unlike 3:28, I don't think it's anything to be uncomfortable about. The millions of women who read 50 Shades of Grey aren't rushing out to leave their husband or start an affair.

Since you say your wife is actually blogging about it, it sounds like a pretty significant interest of Hera. Engage her about it. Talk to her and ask her what she's reading lately. If she'll let you see her blog, look over it and compliment her about it. By speaking to her about it she'll hopefully feel leas embarrassed and will therefore be less secretive.

[Anonymous]

To the pp who's husband is on Facebook all the time, this would trouble me. You say if his fb friends werelocal you'd all be hanging out together. But, they are not local. Why doesn't he have friends here? Friends he can have over to the house, friends he can have a drink with or see a game, real live warm bodies who's company he enjoys spending time with. Right now, he's interacting with digits. Why is that enjoyable? I assume that you aren't going through life all business all the time where he has no opportunity to have real friendships?