when will relationship with in laws get better?? how long before they finally accept me??

[Anonymous]

I am recently married after dating for 6 years. I have tried everything I can to be nice and respectful to his mother, father and sister. Over the years I have hosted parties, paid for weekend trips, been to each and every family function. I have tried to get them to know me while getting to know them. I am okay with his dad mostly. But his mom and sister are hard eggs to crack. I was told by a mutual friend that they do not like nor approve of me and feel their son settled with me because he felt like he had no other options. I have also found out that over the course of our relationship they have taken him out to dinners with other dates that they wanted him to go out with. He was clueless and just thought they were having him come to dinner to meet their friends. I am having trouble getting over that one. I thought after the wedding they would wake up and realize I'm not going anywhere. But now since we are married they have just been excluded both of us from holidays, days out and dinners. For example, easter I tried for weeks to see what they had planned and kept getting told they didn't know. I then said I was happy to host them and my family over to our place, they said they were having easter at their place but could try to stop by. When I said we could come to their house they told me not to bother myself with it since I would be busy cooking for our dinner. W.t.h. does it get easier? Should I just stop trying all together?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your DH about any of this? You both need to be on the same page about how to deal with this.

My advice: stop trying so hard while still being polite. No more bending over backwards for them.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope, seriously. Let them have their exclusionary functions, and do what you want. Don't expect anything from them.

Talk with DH about this, and maybe bring in a counselor for a few sessions (the fact that DH hasn't picked up on the crap they're pulling means he may need some help seeing it), but otherwise I'd back off. Let DH be in charge of all communication and gift giving. He can see and talk to them if/when he wants, but you don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to get them to like you. They see that you're trying to jump through their hoops, and they'll only make you jump through more--it will NEVER end.

What does DH think? If he is encouraging you to get on the ILs good side with this behavior, you need to have a nice long (and likely more than once!) discussion about it.

Seriously. If you start to bow to someone, then they'll always expect it. And once you stop, they might get angry, but you can't live your life concerned about what others think.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I am in a similar situation. I've been married for 10 years and my in-laws do not like or accept me. I've never heard a kind word from them. They don't acknowledge my birthday, our anniversary, and most recently, they don't acknowledge our child. His father has said he has no interest in meeting his (first and only) grandchild. His father also refused to come to our wedding. In fact, our families have never met (except for his mother, who was at our wedding--rest of his family was not).

This coldness/lack of interest used to bother me, but now I just ignore all of them and am used to their dysfunctionality. They have their own issues clearly. The only issue is that I have a small family who lives far away, and husband has a larger family who lives closer, so it would be nice to spend holidays with my in-laws if they were nicer people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. I am in a similar situation. I've been married for 10 years and my in-laws do not like or accept me. I've never heard a kind word from them. They don't acknowledge my birthday, our anniversary, and most recently, they don't acknowledge our child. His father has said he has no interest in meeting his (first and only) grandchild. His father also refused to come to our wedding. In fact, our families have never met (except for his mother, who was at our wedding--rest of his family was not).

This coldness/lack of interest used to bother me, but now I just ignore all of them and am used to their dysfunctionality. They have their own issues clearly. The only issue is that I have a small family who lives far away, and husband has a larger family who lives closer, so it would be nice to spend holidays with my in-laws if they were nicer people.

+10000

Arte they from here, OP? People here can be cold and calculating (not that they would admit it). Stop trying so hard. They see nice as being a doormat. Their sociopathology is their own problem, not yours.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't make others like you. Nobody can make *anyone* like them. Be pleasant but stop trying so hard.

One of my SILs (brother's wife) hates our entire family. She views us (all of us) as competition, instead of extended loved ones. We've all tried to extend a hand to get to know her and each other, but have now stopped trying. I don't know if she's just majorly insecure or has weird jealousy issues, but trying is futile. You simply can't make others accept you. Just go on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to make them happy, you never will.

I've been married 17 years and my in-laws have been to my house five times, the last time was almost 5 years ago. They live out of state but they manage to travel to visit my wife's sister about once a month. They've chosen to ignore us, including two of their grandchildren, and they've hurt my wife significantly with their exclusion I try my best to not let it bother me.

In their eyes, I will never live up to my BIL and my wife will never live up to her sister. It's really a shame because they have no relationship with their grandkids and at this point, probably never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should stop trying.

Ditto. Stop wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

Never. They will accept you when pigs fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should stop trying.

+1

Be happy they are not in your business. Enjoy the time with your DH (and your family). You should also discuss what will happen should you have children. If they don't respect you and tried to wreck your relationship pre marriage, then what will they tell your future kids about you?

My cousin tried to break up me and DH while we were dating. To this day, DH doesn't forgive him. (We have been married almost a decade.)

[Anonymous]

Stop trying and just live your life, OP. My in-laws are like that, and have never accepted me, even after kids. They still introduce single women, I guess hoping my husband will see the light and dump me. They're from a tight-knit eastern culture, and I'm from a western culture. Ironically, family is a huge thing in their culture. I guess just not if you're not one of them. I'm always pleasant and polite, and obviously devoted to my husband and kids, but I'll always be subhuman to them. Their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should stop trying.

Ditto. Stop wasting your time.

+3. And CERTAINLY stop paying for things for them. Talk about throwing good money after bad. Yeesh.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying. You're just constantly setting yourself up for disappointment. They are not the family you hoped they would be. Accept it and move on and spend your energy building positive relationships with other family and friends and neighbors. If they ever extend an olive branch, you and your husband can decide what to do then.