how to improve relationship with local siblings

[Anonymous]

We live near husband's brother. We have kids the same age. The relationship is very tense. They are not horrible/insane people and neither are we. But there is lots of tension. I know from our end, we feel husband's brother (and wife) are controlling, uptight and judgmental. They have issues with us. For example, I think they view us as selfish because we don't 'do what they want' but I'm honestly not sure what their complaints with us are. I just know things are tense and people are angry towards each other. I waffle between feeling sad that things are the way they are and wanting to work to improve things, and pissed at how controlling they can be and not wanting to accomodate them. Plus, it is complicated by the fact that my husband is somewhat uninterested in fixing the relationship. He cannot stand his brother's wife and seems OK with that.

All this is to say, any tips on how to work at improving the relationship? I'm not looking for small steps we can take, as I don't think big steps are going to happen right now.


Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should meddle in your husband's siblings. If he's uninterested, then you cannot change that. It's his choice, his responsibility to mend things with his relatives.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? in my family most of the tensions arise around holidays or formal, orchestrated events. It might help if you invite them for some quick, casual, low key outings - "We will be at [park/museum/ice cream parlor/etc] on Sat afternoon. We'd love it if you and the kids would like to join us. If not, no worries - we can do it another time." Keep it short and sweet. If the kids are older you can always invite the kids to join you on an outing. Let the parents know they are welcome too but you'd also be happy to take the kids on your own.

[Anonymous]

Float our common outings as pp said, so the cousins can hang out. If they join in great, if not, well, you opened the door. But as far as DH, do NOT push him to repair his relationship with his brother. That is between them.

[Anonymous]

Casual outtingss in neutral territories. based on what you said abo ut them I'm guessing they think you let your kids run wild and don't discipline them well enough for their taste.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Very helpful to hear advice not to push husband.

As for outings, the issue is that brother in law and sister in law are the type of people that only want to make the plans they want to make and they book things up many weeks in advance. So spending time is them inviting us to do what they want to do weeks in advance. I get sick of doing only 'what they want to do.' I want to build a relationship but I hate having it to always be 'on their terms.' I should add, one thing I'm sort of prickly about is I don't like making plans weeks in advance or having a weekend that is all schedule out. My DH and I work insane hours, and find our whole family (including DC) is happiest when our weekends are too 'booked up.' One or two plans only and/or spontaneous plans only.

When we've invited them to do things we would like to do they are either a) not available per schedule being all booked up, or b) only want to come for an hour or two.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you have a problem. They might only come for an hour or two - this is not a problem. This is probably ideal. Not too different than other friendships/relationships.

Know too that the brothers may have some issues - unspoken jealously, resentment - something. Maybe a reason they aren't super close. It's probably why they chose such different wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you have a problem. They might only come for an hour or two - this is not a problem. This is probably ideal. Not too different than other friendships/relationships.

Know too that the brothers may have some issues - unspoken jealously, resentment - something. Maybe a reason they aren't super close. It's probably why they chose such different wives.

OP again here. Interesting perspective. Perhaps I am expecting too much. Forgetting that life is what is and not perfect. Thank you! Good to have this perspective.

[Anonymous]

It's fine that you like to be spontaneous, and your in-laws are planners. Neither of you is right or wrong in this, but it does make it hard to make plans if you don't like to commit to anything in advance. Also, it's fine if they just want to hang out for an hour or two--every plan doesn't have to be for a major outing. In fact, given the tension you describe, short and sweet is probably better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think you have a problem. They might only come for an hour or two - this is not a problem. This is probably ideal. Not too different than other friendships/relationships.

Know too that the brothers may have some issues - unspoken jealously, resentment - something. Maybe a reason they aren't super close. It's probably why they chose such different wives.

This is a really good point and I see it with my own two brothers. I try to stay out of it. You can still try to have a relationship between the two families, but nothing you can do about years and years of issues between brothers.

Per your other comments about SIL being a planner and you being more spontaneous...just because you two have different styles, doesn't mean you always have to accommodate theirs. Say yes to their weeks-in-advance planning when you want to, but also feel free to extend spontaneous invites as well, as long as you don't get upset if they turn you down.

[Anonymous]

With family, I try not to let other people's hang ups change my behavior. So, you say these people are controlling and judgy but you still want a relationship with them. In that situation, I would continue to extend invitations to them that other relatives are invited to - if you do a family picnic in the park, a birthday party, etc, and other family are invited, then invite the BIL & his family too. If they can't come because your party/picnic doesn't accommodate their tastes, no biggie - that's their thing, not yours. If you're sending out a cute photo of your kids to your husband's family, include them in the distribution list.

All you can do is not let their beef become yours and treat them like normal people, even if they choose to behave otherwise. Two of my three siblings have a flair for dramatics and I find the best way to curb the behavior is to ignore it and just carry on as normal. When they're ready to engage, they will. When they need space, they keep their distance. I keep the door open - it's their call when they're ready to take a step and I don't take it personally either way, because really it's not about me.