Another WWYD thread
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Anonymous
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We usually spend Christmas with my husband's family. While I don't dislike all of them, we are very different people with different values and views on just about everything. This holiday gathering has always felt like a command performance to me, but I know it is important to DH and, in fairness, our kids usually have a good time. So I go and keep my mouth shut. Last year, however, BIL showed up very sick with some sort of an exotic cold/flu. He knew that he was sick and that there was a pregnant woman (not me) and a number of small children in the house. He showed up anyway because he wanted to introduce his new girlfriend to the family. Instead of staying in his room, he walked all over the house, coughing in a rag all the while. I was appalled, but seemed to be the only one. It was not my house so I didn't feel right saying anything (and didn't want to be accused of trying to sabotage the holiday because DH knew I didn't particularly want to be there). It was only a couple of days before we all got very sick. I had taken 10 days off at Christmas hoping to spend time with my mom, who came from another state to see me, instead I got her sick too. We were miserable, our holidays were ruined, it took my mom months to recover from this, and my DD, who was not at all sick that fall/winter, is still getting sick every couple of weeks (the illness really did a number on her immune system). I tried to address this with FIL and BIL but all I got back was incomprehension as to why I was so upset.
I will admit that I have had a lot of issues with DH's family over the years but generally kept my mouth shut to keep the peace. But BILs selfishness and others' lack of empathy really did it for me. I do not want to go back this Christmas and DH and I are already arguing about it and it's only April. What would you do? NB, DH and I have been together for nearly two decades and while we have our moments (who doesn't?), he is generally a wonderful father and a good man. |
Anonymous
| How far do you have to go to see them and how long do you stay? |
Anonymous
2 hours. 5 days. |
Anonymous
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My DH had the flu in 2012 -- he was down for 12 days and lost 20 pounds. I feel your pain.
But the upshot is this is damn sure not the hill I would want to die on. IT.JUST.ISN'T. His momma and daddy's house -- if they don't care about him spreading germs around i-- so be it. Plus, this is not what you want to make not going back about. I would just suggest you do something different if this is what you do EVERY Christmas. "Honey, let's have Christmas at home this year, do something different, create our own tradition. It would be nice if my mom could come as well." NOT: " I don't want to spend the holidays with your family, they are inconsiderate, spread germs and really not attentive to my needs, thoughtless cads" Big difference in the delivery. KNWIM? |
Anonymous
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Although I sympathize with you it doesn't make sense to refuse a Christmas visit by citing what happened this past Christmas. It's not like your BIL is an alcoholic that always ruins the visit, KWIM? He was sick. He should have cancelled or stayed far away from anyone but he didn't.
You're mad how DH's family handled it but what if you hadn't become sick, this was be a nonissue. Now if you want to cancel the IL visit because you want to start your own traditions, then argue for that instead. Suggest you visit for less time and make the holiday your own. |
Anonymous
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I agree this would be a non_issue if we didn't become sick. I posted this because I needed things pit in perspective.
But the truth is I always felt that DHs family members were selfish and thoughtless towards each other. This has always been my biggest issue with them. I feel they put my kids in danger and just don't want to deal with their selfishness anymore. Unfortunately, the "our own traditions" line won't work _ I am Jewish and DH knows I don't really care about Christmas that much. |
Anonymous
I'm the 'own traditions poster'. 1) You do not like how they relate to ONE ANOTHER -- so what -- they are allowed to relate one another however they like. You will frustrate yourself, your DH and your marriage by trying to make them be people they are not. 2) Jewish people have holidays around the same time as Christmas. Even if you do not celebrate Christmas, per se, it's still a holiday time/special time of year and can still CHOOSE to start your own traditions. 3) Be very clear with yourself about whether your truly want to figure out how to deal with them or your just want validation that they are wrong. We all want that sometimes, but we can get so blinded by that -- we truly end up dying on a hill that just was not worth it. |
Anonymous
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If Christmas isn't important to you and it is to DH and his family, it seems unfair not to go to his family. My in-laws drive me (and DH) up the wall and I am always happy to spend less time with them, but we still suck it up and go for certain holidays every year. It is what it is. Also to be fair to BIL, absent a warning from a doctor that he was highly contagious and should have quarantined himself, he may not have known how sick he was and how sick he would make everyone else? It's his parents' house - I still go to my parents or in-laws if I have a cold or whatever. My mom takes the best care of me!
I am more sympathetic to your situation than this post sounds, truly, but I think this is one to let your husband win (all bets are off if he doesn't want to go either though ...). |
Anonymous
| In two decades have you never spent a Christmas with your own family? This is uncomprehensible? Your kids are going to grow up, your parents die and then you have no traditions whatsoever. We rotate, which I suggest you do. Even though you're Jewish. |
Anonymous
| Debating Xmas plans in April is ludicrous, a billion times more so for someone who doesn't even celebrate the holiday. If you're still harboring resentment over having to be in contact with a relative who was sick 5 months ago, then you should consider counseling. |
Anonymous
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NP here, together 22 years, and we alternate holidays (so everyone can suffer equally).
Once we had children, we quickly learned that any trip with family should not last more than 3 nights. Everything goes downhill after that. Maybe try to plan stuff around next Christmas so that you have to leave after 3 nights no matter what. Your DH will end up seeing his family and will have a much happier wife. |
Anonymous
| 16:49 cont. Make sure 3 night max doesn't have two days added on (back to your original 5 days). Come in after work for night #1 and leave very early in the am after night #3. |
Anonymous
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, so - I speak from experience, as the Jew in my marriage - it won't work to suggest starting your own tradition. For some reason, those pesky Christians really don't understand the utter joy in Chinese food and a movie on Dec 25. ??!! No real advice, just sympathy. I like my inlaws, a lot, but we have different germ tolerances. My MIL was so so sick this past Christmas. Still, she insisted on cooking, coughed everywhere, etc. You can guess what happened. That said, five days sounds like a long visit, if you're only driving two hours. Can you cut it shorter, at least? Or if everyone else loves it, can you claim you have to get home for work or to see your mom, and leave the rest of them to fester in germvillle while you go enjoy some alone time? |
Anonymous
Good Lord! You could just go around Christmas for one or two nights and start a tradition of Christmas Day at home. |
Anonymous
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My family is 2 hours always and we always just drive down for the day? Why on earth are five days necessary?
OP what about your own parents ? |