scapegoating in families- creepy stuff

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has been treated very badly by her family in ways that sound unbelievable had I not seen suxh things myself. She is finally starting to see she needs to stop trying to make them be reasonable and needs to cut them out of her life- these are siblings.

I wanted my friend to know she is not alone, and it did not take much googling to find this

http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat

There are also scholarly articles on scapegoating in families, and it can be very sinisiter stuff with children being physically abused and all sorts of horrors. The situation my friend is experiencing is as an adult, seemigly after the death of her father some 15 years ago.

One sister, for example, took control of their elderly mothers finances, sold her house, moved her to an assisted living facility, and never informs my friend of her mothers health status, what happened to te sale money from the house. etc. My friend is the only one who drives out of state to visit her mother and talks to her every day. But her mother is too befuddled and confused to be able to tell her what is happening.

Anyone got some stories to share?

[Anonymous]

OP that article describes my situation quite nicely (unfortunately). I have recently been struggling with how (if?) to address it, and many of the points really resonated with me.
Back story: I have a sibling who is highly unstable in many ways, and has been since our childhoods. Parents are enablers. I have distanced myself as much as possible. Recent events have caused DP and I, along with some other close family and friends, to put very specific limits on interactions with sibling, which of course results is some very specific limits on our interactions with them. Parents are in complete disbelief and shock and feel like we're abandoning the family. I have recently begun to figure out (and really, this article might help me articulate some of my thoughts) that the issue at hand is really in their heads, not mine... that their expressions of anger/sadness/etc toward me have more to do with them not being fully comfortable with the relationship between them and sib. They will never see this, of course, so the end result is that they are unhappy and I essentially lose any shot at a relationship with my parents. I may be one of the few dcumers who can honestly say, "Thank goodness I have my in laws!"

[Anonymous]

OP here- so sorry to hear. Its got to be dreadful. Ive dealt with some unpleasant family dynamics but nothing like this. My mother did, though. There were bad dynamics with her middle two sisters (she was the youngest) and her mom, while she felt close to her oldest sister and father, who both died tragically (at different times).

There is another thread on this forum about being cutting off family ties. Its not like it doesn't happen. In fact, the older I get the more people I meet who are deciding that enough is enough. Its never frivolous for the ones who are truly the victims. They agonize and think it through a long time. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Yep. In our family there was always at least one kid who became the focus of our family pathologies so my dad & stepmom could continue believing they were perfect.

[Anonymous]

It's hard if you've grown up with a fairly normal family to imagine what it's like to live with mental illness. My family and all my parents friends were emotionally healthy. Marrying into dh's family has been quite the eye-opener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard if you've grown up with a fairly normal family to imagine what it's like to live with mental illness. My family and all my parents friends were emotionally healthy. Marrying into dh's family has been quite the eye-opener.

+1

Majorly eye opening. My (birth) family's pretty normal. We're not perfect, but we're pretty ok. Two of my siblings' spouses and their families/ILs are also pretty normal. Not perfect, but also pretty easy to deal with. Ditto for DH's family. But one of my brother's IL's - whooboy they are crazy. Drama drama drama all the time. Every since they got married, it's been sad to see him get involved in SIL's crazy family drama. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP that article describes my situation quite nicely (unfortunately). I have recently been struggling with how (if?) to address it, and many of the points really resonated with me.
Back story: I have a sibling who is highly unstable in many ways, and has been since our childhoods. Parents are enablers. I have distanced myself as much as possible. Recent events have caused DP and I, along with some other close family and friends, to put very specific limits on interactions with sibling, which of course results is some very specific limits on our interactions with them. Parents are in complete disbelief and shock and feel like we're abandoning the family. I have recently begun to figure out (and really, this article might help me articulate some of my thoughts) that the issue at hand is really in their heads, not mine... that their expressions of anger/sadness/etc toward me have more to do with them not being fully comfortable with the relationship between them and sib. They will never see this, of course, so the end result is that they are unhappy and I essentially lose any shot at a relationship with my parents. I may be one of the few dcumers who can honestly say, "Thank goodness I have my in laws!"

Having been there, done that, I doubt it. They are perfectly comfortable with your sib and with enabling your sib. They are angry at you because you don't want to enable your sib.

You're still right to do what you are doing. Just don't over-estimate their positive feelings towards you and their negative feelings towards your sib, though. Don't excuse their bad behavior towards you. It will leave you open to further betrayal later.

[Anonymous]

I think every family has its own dysfunctions and oddity. But some families can have huge dysfunctional aspects, but still be fundamentally a strong and loving "normal" family. It's really when you start adding in the narcissistic or borderline members that you start moving into the territory of "crazy drama."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that article describes my situation quite nicely (unfortunately). I have recently been struggling with how (if?) to address it, and many of the points really resonated with me.
Back story: I have a sibling who is highly unstable in many ways, and has been since our childhoods. Parents are enablers. I have distanced myself as much as possible. Recent events have caused DP and I, along with some other close family and friends, to put very specific limits on interactions with sibling, which of course results is some very specific limits on our interactions with them. Parents are in complete disbelief and shock and feel like we're abandoning the family. I have recently begun to figure out (and really, this article might help me articulate some of my thoughts) that the issue at hand is really in their heads, not mine... that their expressions of anger/sadness/etc toward me have more to do with them not being fully comfortable with the relationship between them and sib. They will never see this, of course, so the end result is that they are unhappy and I essentially lose any shot at a relationship with my parents. I may be one of the few dcumers who can honestly say, "Thank goodness I have my in laws!"

Having been there, done that, I doubt it. They are perfectly comfortable with your sib and with enabling your sib. They are angry at you because you don't want to enable your sib.

You're still right to do what you are doing. Just don't over-estimate their positive feelings towards you and their negative feelings towards your sib, though. Don't excuse their bad behavior towards you. It will leave you open to further betrayal later.

That's what I'm trying to un-learn... making constant excuses for them (still have a way to go, as you have pointed out, fairly enough).
I do think that they have some ambivalence... they recognize that sib is doing wrong. What they don't see, is their enabling. They see it as "We are the parents, we can't walk away." DP and I have finally come to grips with "That's fine, we understand that sib is your child and it's a very hard spot to be in. You are doing what YOU FEEL is best for YOUR child and YOUR family. Please understand that we need to do what is best for OUR kids and OUR family... that involves not being anywhere near sib."
I'm pretty sure my parents and I are never going to "work this out" we'll never have some big grand reconciliation, anything like that. The important thing right now - as I see it - is that DP and I are on exactly the same page, and I am learning to let it be what it is. It's kind of a mourning process, honestly, but in the end we'll all be a lot healthier for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that article describes my situation quite nicely (unfortunately). I have recently been struggling with how (if?) to address it, and many of the points really resonated with me.
Back story: I have a sibling who is highly unstable in many ways, and has been since our childhoods. Parents are enablers. I have distanced myself as much as possible. Recent events have caused DP and I, along with some other close family and friends, to put very specific limits on interactions with sibling, which of course results is some very specific limits on our interactions with them. Parents are in complete disbelief and shock and feel like we're abandoning the family. I have recently begun to figure out (and really, this article might help me articulate some of my thoughts) that the issue at hand is really in their heads, not mine... that their expressions of anger/sadness/etc toward me have more to do with them not being fully comfortable with the relationship between them and sib. They will never see this, of course, so the end result is that they are unhappy and I essentially lose any shot at a relationship with my parents. I may be one of the few dcumers who can honestly say, "Thank goodness I have my in laws!"

Having been there, done that, I doubt it. They are perfectly comfortable with your sib and with enabling your sib. They are angry at you because you don't want to enable your sib.

You're still right to do what you are doing. Just don't over-estimate their positive feelings towards you and their negative feelings towards your sib, though. Don't excuse their bad behavior towards you. It will leave you open to further betrayal later.

That's what I'm trying to un-learn... making constant excuses for them (still have a way to go, as you have pointed out, fairly enough).
I do think that they have some ambivalence... they recognize that sib is doing wrong. What they don't see, is their enabling. They see it as "We are the parents, we can't walk away." DP and I have finally come to grips with "That's fine, we understand that sib is your child and it's a very hard spot to be in. You are doing what YOU FEEL is best for YOUR child and YOUR family. Please understand that we need to do what is best for OUR kids and OUR family... that involves not being anywhere near sib."
I'm pretty sure my parents and I are never going to "work this out" we'll never have some big grand reconciliation, anything like that. The important thing right now - as I see it - is that DP and I are on exactly the same page, and I am learning to let it be what it is. It's kind of a mourning process, honestly, but in the end we'll all be a lot healthier for it.

Are you sure you aren't scapegoating your sibling? Sounds like it to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard if you've grown up with a fairly normal family to imagine what it's like to live with mental illness. My family and all my parents friends were emotionally healthy. Marrying into dh's family has been quite the eye-opener.

+1

Majorly eye opening. My (birth) family's pretty normal. We're not perfect, but we're pretty ok. Two of my siblings' spouses and their families/ILs are also pretty normal. Not perfect, but also pretty easy to deal with. Ditto for DH's family. But one of my brother's IL's - whooboy they are crazy. Drama drama drama all the time. Every since they got married, it's been sad to see him get involved in SIL's crazy family drama. It's exhausting.

+1

If there is a happy situation, SIL will try to pee on it. She is abusive and manipulative. It really is exhausting. Unfortunately, MIL is the same. MIL is very depressed, and not one for "happy times". Bragging rights, yes (who attended what); happy times, no (actual happy moments during that attendance). Do they realize how predictable they really are? DH enables them, he just wants their approval, all these years later. Never. Going. To. Happen.

I do everything I can not to shake them silly when I see them: "I know what you are doing. Just stop." Ugh.