Only child in class of your own race?

[Anonymous]

My son is in a school right now where he is the only boy of his race. There are also 4 girls of his race. The rest of the class (21 kids) are of a different race.

He only has one friend (a boy ) in the class.. which was also his same class in kindergarten. I have tried to arrange playdates with this boy but so far to no avail. He gets along with the other boys, but is not invited to birthday parties. (He has invited 2 or 3 of the boys in his class to birthday parties, but they do not come.) My son has 3 close friends in our neighborhood who do not go to this school, BTW... they are the same race as he is; he gets along well with them and is a popular playmate.

My son has never expressed feeling awkward or different at school because he is the only boy of his race in the class, but he also doesn't have a lot of friends there. Most of the boys in his class play different sports than he and his out-of-school friends are interested in, and they are involved in different after school activities, so there is little time outside of school where they can get to know each other I guess.

I am considering moving him to a new school for academic reasons. I just learned, though, that this new school is even MORE racially unbalanced, than his current school -- and that is giving me pause. There is a very good chance that at this new school, he will be the only child of his race in his class. Only 2% of this school is our race. 75% is another race, and the third race is 23%.

I want to hear from people who have gone to a school where they were a distinct minority, to get a sense of how important it is to have kids of your own race in a class with you. I want to talk to my son about this as well, but I don't want to bring up ideas that he might not actually be feeling, if that makes any sense. I want to know if he is upset or hurt by the fact that he isn't being invited for playdates and birthday parties by the other boys in the class, but if he hasn't noticed it or doesn't care, then that is fine by me. (And it might not have anything to do with being of a different race for all I know -- that is just my conjecture.)

If you have any insight, comments, or suggestions, I would like to hear them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is in a school right now where he is the only boy of his race. There are also 4 girls of his race. The rest of the class (21 kids) are of a different race.

He only has one friend (a boy ) in the class.. which was also his same class in kindergarten. I have tried to arrange playdates with this boy but so far to no avail. He gets along with the other boys, but is not invited to birthday parties. (He has invited 2 or 3 of the boys in his class to birthday parties, but they do not come.) My son has 3 close friends in our neighborhood who do not go to this school, BTW... they are the same race as he is; he gets along well with them and is a popular playmate.

My son has never expressed feeling awkward or different at school because he is the only boy of his race in the class, but he also doesn't have a lot of friends there. Most of the boys in his class play different sports than he and his out-of-school friends are interested in, and they are involved in different after school activities, so there is little time outside of school where they can get to know each other I guess.

I am considering moving him to a new school for academic reasons. I just learned, though, that this new school is even MORE racially unbalanced, than his current school -- and that is giving me pause. There is a very good chance that at this new school, he will be the only child of his race in his class. Only 2% of this school is our race. 75% is another race, and the third race is 23%.

I want to hear from people who have gone to a school where they were a distinct minority, to get a sense of how important it is to have kids of your own race in a class with you. I want to talk to my son about this as well, but I don't want to bring up ideas that he might not actually be feeling, if that makes any sense. I want to know if he is upset or hurt by the fact that he isn't being invited for playdates and birthday parties by the other boys in the class, but if he hasn't noticed it or doesn't care, then that is fine by me. (And it might not have anything to do with being of a different race for all I know -- that is just my conjecture.)

If you have any insight, comments, or suggestions, I would like to hear them.

Experienced this situation for years. For us, it's not all about same race, it's same race + other tangibles in common. To help balance things out for him, have him participate in extracuriculars away from his school with more boys of your race. Just because your son isn't telling you that he feels hurt not being invited, he probably is. Spend more energy in helping him develop a social life away from school.

[Anonymous]

pp has given some good advice. When I was growing up there were times I was the only minority in class/summmer camp and remember other students excluding me because of my race and at that time (the 70s) kids were not afraid to say so. Because of this memory I have frank discussions with both of my daughters (they are 6 and 8) letting them know that this could happen and what approach to take if it does happen. If your child is younger then it may not make sense to bring it up but to focus on what the pp suggested.

[Anonymous]

pp here I don't know how that emoticon got in there but my daughters are 6 and 8 years old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp here I don't know how that emoticon got in there but my daughters are 6 and 8 years old

It's not your fault. Anytime you follow a number eight with a closed parenthesis it will make the sunglasses emoticon. Similarly, if you follow a colon or semi-colon with a closed parenthesis you'll get a smiley emoticon or a winking emoticon. If there's a way to avoid it and actually show the characters one is trying to type, I'm unaware. Just FYI.

[Anonymous]

OP here --

Thank you for responding.

How important is it socially, do you think, to find a school that has more children of my son's race?

Both schools are acceptable choices for us; the one with fewer children of his race is the more academically challenging one. Would you not more a child to a new school if he'd be the only one of his race there?

Does it matter than the kids who are of his race right now, are girls and not boys (and thus, not really playing with him anyway?)

Or do you think for social experiences esp. for boys, outside experiences are plenty? He is VERY social after school, on the weekends, with his friends from our street and town. That's not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here --

Thank you for responding.

How important is it socially, do you think, to find a school that has more children of my son's race?

Both schools are acceptable choices for us; the one with fewer children of his race is the more academically challenging one. Would you not more a child to a new school if he'd be the only one of his race there?

Does it matter than the kids who are of his race right now, are girls and not boys (and thus, not really playing with him anyway?)

Or do you think for social experiences esp. for boys, outside experiences are plenty? He is VERY social after school, on the weekends, with his friends from our street and town. That's not an issue.

I've got a multi-racial family, even though I'm white. Diversity has always been important to me, and would still be even if my children were white. But I feel that it's very difficult to find schools that are superior academically with the racial/ethnic mix I would prefer. For that reason, I choose to send my children to the schools I feel meet their educational needs. Social stuff is important too, of course, I don't mean to minimize that. But we have an ethnically and culturally diverse extended family, as well as diverse group of friends and their kids. My children are exposed to diversity outside of school on a regular basis.

This might not be ideal, but sometimes I think it's very hard to find "ideal." If your son has play dates outside of school with neighborhood friends, etc., I think this is a great balance. Sure, we'd love our schools to mirror our homes, but they don't always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here --

Thank you for responding.

How important is it socially, do you think, to find a school that has more children of my son's race?

Both schools are acceptable choices for us; the one with fewer children of his race is the more academically challenging one. Would you not more a child to a new school if he'd be the only one of his race there?

Does it matter than the kids who are of his race right now, are girls and not boys (and thus, not really playing with him anyway?)

Or do you think for social experiences esp. for boys, outside experiences are plenty? He is VERY social after school, on the weekends, with his friends from our street and town. That's not an issue.

This was and is a very complex concern for our family. My children are both our family's first generation that's attending a predominately caucasion school. We felt it was important that we raised them with some racial diversity. Even though it may feel more comfortable to live within the confines of your own race, it's rather segregating. Besides, got to prepare them for the future. Well, anyway.... because the schools that my children attend are limited in racial diversity, I believe it's necessary to have social work-arounds in place for their psychological health. Friendships, playing, comraderie with the guys, laughter, that 's important social-developmental stuff.

I'm assuming your boy is AA. If he's the only one right now in his grade and possibly in the future, there's the tendency for his classmates to project their stereotypes onto him. If this happens, he will either shut down or start acting out. You really need to keep an eye out for this.

My son is extremely social too and friendships are important to him. His classmates are just that. After school extracurriculars really can help. It's unfortunate that there is such a limited number of diverse AA boys in private schools.

[Anonymous]

poster 17:08 here. While I wish I could say that racial makeup wouldn't be a factor for me - if my children were the only ones of their race that would give me pause too. I was one of two African Americans in my class in high school (a private school in the area). And the decision to attend that school was based on academics. I had a wonderful experience socially and academically in high school - I am still in contact with friends from high school.

I did have a circle of African American friends outside of my school, plus lots of family and cousins around. I also think the key is to make sure that your kids have friends from all different backgrounds. If I were looking at schools I would just want to make sure there was some diversity there.

It's really a tough question because you don't want to put your child in a situation where they will be excluded because of their race - I remember to this day every instance that it happened to me. There was at least one racial incident (not against me) that happened in high school but I thought the school handled very well - even if it was in the 80s.

Have you let the school administrators know that this is an issue for you? Find out how they would handle an instance of racial prejudice.

Hope this helps some.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

My son is white. The private school he attends now has mostly black students, but there are some white children there. In his class though, they are all girls, and the school runs through 8th grade. It's a fine school, but not academically challenging.

The public school I am thinking of moving him to (a Talented and Gifted program) only has 2% white children in it, mostly black, some hispanic, (no asian). This is contingent upon him testing into the program. I don't know for sure that he'd be the only white child in his class, but I think it is a possibility.

I have no experience with being in the minority (as a child). The public school I attended growing up was almost entirely white (which I also am). There was just a smattering of black and asian students. So I just don't know how big a deal this would be.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how much this helps, but I'll give it a shot.

My friend was the only white girl in her elementary school when she lived in the District. Once, when she did a self-portrait, she colored in her skin a light brown. When the teacher asked her why, she looked around and said (exact words), "because we're black."

She stayed there until they moved into downtown Silver Spring when she finally changed schools, which was a bit more diverse.

To this day, she laughs when she tells the story b/c she loves the innocence. Now, as a compromise, she lives in the Midwest, which is predominantly white, and she often has major doubts that she can remain there and be happy.

On the flip side, I have another friend with 1 white child (first marriage) and 4 bi-racial kids (second marriage). Her bi-racial daughter was forced into marking ONE ethnic group on her school forms. She initially bubbled in white and black. After much protesting, she finally caved, but unhappily so. Her mother completely supported her daughter's choice to recognize both sides of her family, but the school system, b/c of its need to categorize, likes things to be neat and easy!

So I think it depends on the how the child is raised and what s/he is exposed to inside and outside of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My son is white. The private school he attends now has mostly black students, but there are some white children there. In his class though, they are all girls, and the school runs through 8th grade. It's a fine school, but not academically challenging.

The public school I am thinking of moving him to (a Talented and Gifted program) only has 2% white children in it, mostly black, some hispanic, (no asian). This is contingent upon him testing into the program. I don't know for sure that he'd be the only white child in his class, but I think it is a possibility.

I have no experience with being in the minority (as a child). The public school I attended growing up was almost entirely white (which I also am). There was just a smattering of black and asian students. So I just don't know how big a deal this would be.

Good question, don't really know the answer. My first thought is that it's not as important to have race peers in school if you are white, because the predominant race/culture in the US is white. If he were a minority all the way around, I think it might be more important.

That being said, it's very much based on the individuals involved. If I were you, I think I'd just focus on getting him into the educational program you desire and try it out for a year or so, see how things go.

[Anonymous]

Is the school Banneker in DC?

If you feel comfortable talk to the administrators about it - this question must have come up before. Is it possible to speak to other white families about their experiences at the school?

[Anonymous]

No, the school isn't Banneker.

I just had a very casual chat with my son about what he knows and thinks about race, skin color, and ethnicity -- just to get a sense of where he was.

So, the result was unexpected. DS told me that about half his class was "white" like him. He listed all the kids in his class, and told me which ones were "white" and which ones were "black". He is defining "white" as being light skinned: that included him, all the white girls in the class, the Hispanic kids, and 7 of the lighter skinned kids I would have said were black, but I have no idea how they would classify themselves, and for all I know they could consider themselves bi-racial. I don't know the parents.

(DS just for reference is as white as a marshmallow. There is no such thing as a person with more translucent skin than his. You can literally see the blood in his veins through his skin.)

I asked him who his friends were in the class, and he listed one boy that he considers "white" and 2 boys that in his eyes are "black".

Until I mentioned the concept of dividing kids up in your class by race, though, I don't think it ever occurred to him to do so. So now I'm wishing I hadn't brought it up at all. He asked me why I was asking and I just said I was wondering.

I think he has no concept of race, other than as skin color and only because I was bringing it up.

Anyhow, I really just wanted to get a sense of whether he felt different or excluded -- apparently so far, he does not.

So I'm not sure where to go with this. I guess I won't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Interesting questions, OP. I wish I had something useful to offer. My son is also the only child of his race in his class. This is the neighborhood school, though, so the kids in his class are the same kids in the neighborhood. We tend to socilaize with folks of our own race, but not exclusively.

He's white. He's therefore different. This isn't quite the same, though, IMO, as being a person of color in an otherwise all-white classroom. There's a lot of history and baggage that goes with any of these scenarios that none of the kids asked for, but will have to deal with. While my child is a minority in his class, the color of our skin affords us certain privileges in the rest of society whether we acknowledge it or not.

So, I think it's important to talk about race. I'm not exactly sure there's a perfect way to do it. You might want to check out antiracistparent.com. Lots of good discussion and resources.