Bully's in K. Looking for BTDT advice.
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Anonymous
| DS started out the year great and still really enjoys school, says his day was "great" when I collect him from school. I know he has been having some problems with a few of the boys in his class but he seems to have a good grip on the dealing with the situation. Tonight he told me that one of boys told him if he didn't choose an activity that he would punch him, DS went along and the boy punched him anyway. DS said he didn't tell the teacher and when I asked him how it made him feel he said it didn't hurt but he wanted to punch the boy back but was scared he would get in trouble so he didn't. I'm beside myself and really don't know what the best approach to his situation is. I have half the hart to tell him the next time this happen to punch the kid back. I'm looking for advice from parents that have worked through this before. My son is not shy and is very outgoing he's also tall and very bright so I'm just not sure what it is about him that is making him a target. |
Anonymous
| What do you think really happened? |
Anonymous
I don't know for sure. I asked if they were playing a game, if the big was joking, if other children were involved. The story played out in a believable fashion. This is part of my hesitation in approaching the teacher I just don't know 100% but at the same time, I can't just let it go. DS has mentioned this boy before and problems with him. |
Anonymous
| I would say something to the teacher so she could at least be notified to keep an eye on things when they are together. But my kids are 5 so I have not BTDT yet. |
Anonymous
|
I am a BTDT mom. I would let the teacher know what your son told you. The sooner you let the teacher know, the better because if the teacher/school wants to do an investigation, time is not on your side because memories fade. Your son has good instincts in terms of not hitting back. He will get in trouble if he does even if he is retaliating. He needs to be encouraged to tell the teacher. One last thing. Don't be surprised if you hear things you don't really want to hear about your son. Things often are not one sided. But, don't ever fully believe what you are told until you can talk with your son.
Sorry this happened, OP. |
Anonymous
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OK, first things first I can see why you are upset but you definitely CANNOT tell your son to punch this kid back. If he does, then they will both be disciplined regardless of who started it. Not a great precedent to set for DS.
I would let the teacher know that I think DS and Kid X might be having some trouble getting along appropriately and ask if she has seen any signs of this or if she would be willing to keep an eye on their interactions. I would talk to DS about how to handle this kid in the future and emphasize that it is always better to ask a grownup for help solving a problem than it is to get into a fight, because physical aggression is not OK. Basically, I would encourage him to firmly tell the other kid once "X stop that and keep your hands off me" and then to tell the teacher if it happens again after the warning. |
Anonymous
Yes, this would be appropriate. |
Anonymous
| This is in Kindergarten? You have to go and talk to the teacher! Don't even hesitate. |
Anonymous
| BTDT. A t 1st I let is slide. It didnt stop, I took to teacher, and guidance counselor. didnt stop, took it to ap and principal - it stopped. |
Anonymous
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Step 1. if the kid is bothersome, bossy, walk away and ignore
Step 2. If the chlid follow, your child says, "can you leave me alone" "I can play any game I want" etc. Step 3. You child says, "if you don't leave me alone I will have to tell the teacher" Step 4. Tell the teacher. Then after weeks and weeks of this if the child is still bothering your child he slugs him and he take the punishment, which is a day off of school at the worst. I have btdt, twice it made it all the way to the punching stage. Also, there is a chance your son is lying or telling a distorted verson of the story (he is in K) and there is a chance your child was the pain and got punched. You could ask the teacher but I would preface it wtih, you can never really believe the story of a kid in K, this is what Johnnie told me, do you have any info so I can help Johnnie deal with this situation. |
Anonymous
Don't know if I agree with this. Children need to learn how to stick up for themselves and that includes self-defense. I'd much rather my child be disciplined for standing up for him/herself than to have them tortured because a bully viewed them as easy prey. That is what sets the precedent. OP, I would look into some sort of self defense class for your son. It will teach him discipline (so that he doesn't become a bully himself), but will also give him the confidence to stick up for himself, if necessary. Most times he won't have to; bullies can spot weakness and if you show physical confidence, they will typically leave you alone. |
Anonymous
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Lots of decent kids in kindergarten are flexing their muscles (social power). Tell the teacher and she'll figure it out. This is not middle school or HS where the kid needs to "defend himself"! OP's son is in kindergarten. It's perfectly reasonable and age appropriate for him to rely on the teacher to protect him from someone who punches him! I'm nearly certain the teacher will quickly extinguish the aggressive kid. At this age, it's pretty easy to turn them around b/c they still have fear of getting in trouble with adults.
Usually teachers are very responsive to this kind of thing in kindergarten. I think you'll have it cleared up quickly. FWIW, my son was hating school for awhile in K b/c his "friend" was calling him "chicken head" and other names. We liked this other kid and his parents and we couldn't understand why son wasn't talking to the other kid when we'd see him on the way to school. After a quick talk with the teacher, it was fixed. They teach a curriculum about bullying even in kindergarten. OP, you'll be doing the aggressive kid a favor by having the teacher correct his ways now. |
Anonymous
Tell the teacher exactly what you've told us. Report what your son said, express the fact that you aren't sure what "really" went on. Teacher, aides, etc. will keep make a point of closely observing this kid and his interactions. Teacher will appreciate the heads up, and will also appreciate you aren't marching to the principal's office demanding some kind of retribution. Kids at this age are learning out to negotiate social situations. If the kid is truly exhibiting the beginnings of bullying behavior, this gives them the chance to stop it before it starts. |
Anonymous
I'm the poster you quoted. I definitely agree with not teaching a child to be a doormat, but my standards for when physical aggression is an acceptable response are very high. I consider hitting back in self defense to be something to resort to only if somebody is almost certainly going to be injured if you try a nonviolent response. Basically, if there is a way you can reasonably remove yourself from immediate physical danger and go get an available authority figure to diffuse a budding physical confrontation, you should do so. In K at school, they shouldn't be far from a supervising adult who the child can ask for assistance if things are about to get physical. Solve arguments and disagreements on their own, absolutely, but if there's going to be an actual fight young kids are in over their head and should seek out someone else to mediate the conflict. Even in the adult world, if there's a way of safely not getting in a fight, or a law enforcement officer conveniently around when things are starting to get heated, I believe it's always a good idea to make a good faith effort to avoid violence in responding to a problem, even if the other jerk is just spoiling for a fight. |
Anonymous
| They are five. We are supposed to be teaching them to talk it out, not fight it out. And involve an adult if you don't make any progress. |