Why do people get so up in arms about something that doesn't impact them? Vent about mom

[Anonymous]

I am getting married soon and soon to be Dh and I have been looking at wedding bands. I ended up choosing one that I absolutely love although it is a bit untraditional (although certainly not out there) and showed my mom a picture of it with my engagement ring. She blew up and said it was weird, what would her friends think, etc.

Seriously mom, it doesn't impact you at all. WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?! She was so upset with me about it that I've actually been reconsidering it even though I love it.

[Anonymous]

She probably had a mental image of everything about your wedding and now you are screwing it up.

Get what you want. Your marriage, your ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably had a mental image of everything about your wedding and now you are screwing it up.

Get what you want. Your marriage, your ring.

OP here. You're right. And this also is not the first thing she's been upset about (also about my choice of shoes, the choice of tuxes, one of the food choices, the simplicity of the ceremony and the laid back approach I have to all of it to name a few) even though soon to be DH and I are paying for the entire wedding. I have conceded on some things that were part of her vision only because she kept badgering me until I gave in.

Sorry, did not want to turn this into a total vent. I'm not much of a venter IRL, so venting on here is kind of nice!

[Anonymous]

If you & Mom don't share the same taste, don't push her buttons.

My BFF and her Mom have issues. Friend, for Mother's Day, sent a bouquet of "wild flowers". She had to work hard to have the florist accommodate her wishes. Her Mom called and said, "why did you send me a bunch of weeds?". Truth is, my friend knew they weren't what her Mother would like. And she knew her Mom was capable of saying hurtful things.

Don't do things to bait your Mom. Find other people to send your pictures to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you & Mom don't share the same taste, don't push her buttons.

My BFF and her Mom have issues. Friend, for Mother's Day, sent a bouquet of "wild flowers". She had to work hard to have the florist accommodate her wishes. Her Mom called and said, "why did you send me a bunch of weeds?". Truth is, my friend knew they weren't what her Mother would like. And she knew her Mom was capable of saying hurtful things.

Don't do things to bait your Mom. Find other people to send your pictures to.

OP here. I understand what you are saying. 2 things though 1. I never thought my mom wouldn't like the ring. It really isn't that out there. 2. Not involving her in the process brings out an even worse side of her

[Anonymous]

Call her on it. This is your wedding. She had her chance and now it's your turn. Tell her she is raining on your parade, and it should not be a surprise to her that your choices are different than what she would have picked. Ask her why she can't just relax and let you plan and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you & Mom don't share the same taste, don't push her buttons.

My BFF and her Mom have issues. Friend, for Mother's Day, sent a bouquet of "wild flowers". She had to work hard to have the florist accommodate her wishes. Her Mom called and said, "why did you send me a bunch of weeds?". Truth is, my friend knew they weren't what her Mother would like. And she knew her Mom was capable of saying hurtful things.

Don't do things to bait your Mom. Find other people to send your pictures to.

OP here. I understand what you are saying. 2 things though 1. I never thought my mom wouldn't like the ring. It really isn't that out there. 2. Not involving her in the process brings out an even worse side of her

OP: Mom, here's something we thought we'd do for our wedding.
Mom: Yuck!
OP: *feels lousy*

or

OP: Mom, I've decided that we'll all be happier if Fiance and I just make our wedding decisions on our own, and all you have to do is come to the wedding and have fun.
Mom: What? How could you? [Reproaches.]
OP: Mom, I'm sorry, but I've told you that I'm not going to talk about it. Now, what have you been up to lately?
Mom: [Reproaches.]
OP: Mom, I'm sorry, but I've told you that I'm not going to talk about it. *ends call*

It's easier to type out than to actually do, of course! But the principle is sound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you & Mom don't share the same taste, don't push her buttons.

My BFF and her Mom have issues. Friend, for Mother's Day, sent a bouquet of "wild flowers". She had to work hard to have the florist accommodate her wishes. Her Mom called and said, "why did you send me a bunch of weeds?". Truth is, my friend knew they weren't what her Mother would like. And she knew her Mom was capable of saying hurtful things.

Don't do things to bait your Mom. Find other people to send your pictures to.

This is basically victim blaming. I could show my mom the most hideous dress in the world and she is still responsible for her actions. If she gets angry abt it, that's her choice. She could be gracious, but chose not to

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ha wish it was that easy. I've tried it and have been met with some very cruel words that make me feel worse than her comments about my choices!

[Anonymous]

OP, learn this sentence and use it liberally: "I am not going to have this conversation."

[Anonymous]

I think the "what will other people think" is a pretty big issue for people, especially those of previous generations. Just accept this as a big flaw of hers, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ha wish it was that easy. I've tried it and have been met with some very cruel words that make me feel worse than her comments about my choices!

Why the hell do you put up with this woman then? Honestly, she sounds toxic like my mom is. I had to remove her from my life. Have never felt more free.

You only live once. Don't subject yourself to other people' poisonous attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the "what will other people think" is a pretty big issue for people, especially those of previous generations. Just accept this as a big flaw of hers, and move on.

OP here. Perhaps you're right as this is usually her reasoning for being against any of our choices. I think it bothers her even more that I have the attitude of "if my friends judge me about my wedding ring, then they aren't people I want to be friends with" . Ah well, it will be over soon enough and I will just try to make sure I have enough champagne that I'm not worried about my mom being overly critical of everything!

And thanks all for allowing me to vent. Certainly does help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ha wish it was that easy. I've tried it and have been met with some very cruel words that make me feel worse than her comments about my choices!

Why the hell do you put up with this woman then? Honestly, she sounds toxic like my mom is. I had to remove her from my life. Have never felt more free.

You only live once. Don't subject yourself to other people' poisonous attitudes.

Because she's never been THIS bad before. She's always been a bit critical but nothing I couldn't handle. I have faith that she'll resume back to her old self after this wedding is over. I hope.

[Anonymous]

On the contrary, I'd bet it will get worse. Your wedding = concrete evidence that you're your own person and not an extension of her.