Has any one had luck convincing a parent to seek therapy?

[Anonymous]

My mom has a lot of anxiety. She's been on Xanax for years, but either she isn't taking it, needs a new dose, needs a new med, or there are other things going on. Her anxiety is getting out of control and is starting to ruin our relationship. If I don't respond to a text or email, she'll start messaging DH on every outlet available (text, email, gchat, etc) to get me to respond to her. It has never been something emergent.

We recently went on a trip and my mom forgot about the 3 hr time difference. When I turned on my phone when we landed I had 6 texts, 2 emails, and 2 voicemails. Each one got angrier and more anxiety ridden (she was checking news sites to see if there was a plain crash, etc). DH had almost the same amount of messages from her.

I recently got married and they helped pay for it (we split 50/50 at the insistence of my dad). She harassed my bridesmaid when they were planning the bridal shower because they didn't do things on a timeline according to her. It was awful and I had to apologize to all of my bridesmaids.

Whenever I voiced an opinion on something regarding the wedding, if it wasn't something she wanted, I was bullied into what she wanted. Our wedding was about 25% what DH and I wanted and 75% of what she wanted. She didn't talk to me for 3 days because I wouldn't budge on mine and DH's first dance song. Almost daily I was accused of hating her, not wanting her input only her money, making her life miserable, causing her heart palpitations, causing her to lose sleep because of stress, etc. Mind you, I wasn't stressed at all and nothing was saved til last minute.

OK this has turned into more of a vent than anything else but her anxiety/control issues caused by it are getting out of control. I've urged her to see a therapist but she always has an excuse. Then I usually get yelled at for suggesting it. I'm at the end of my rope with it. DH is a sweetheart, but I can tell he's starting to get annoyed with her behavior too.

HELP! Has anyone been able to successfully convince someone to seek help?

[Anonymous]

She may or may not go to a therapist, but you can control whether you go to a therapist to help you learn your own coping strategies and means of setting boundaries.

For the health of your new marriage, do it.

--Someone who is in therapy in large part to deal with a relative's untreated mental illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may or may not go to a therapist, but you can control whether you go to a therapist to help you learn your own coping strategies and means of setting boundaries.

For the health of your new marriage, do it.

--Someone who is in therapy in large part to deal with a relative's untreated mental illness

OP here. You are so right. I've always known I've needed to go to therapy to learn how to find some coping strategies and also to deal with some of the issues I have related to how she's acted to me, but I've been guilt tripped and made to feel like a terrible daughter so many times that I have avoided going to therapy because I feel bad blaming my mom for issues I have.

But you're right. I do need to do it for the health of my marriage.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I to have a mother w/ anxiety and depression and other issues. She's not as bad as your mom sounds, but she has her times. I'd step away a little. Be respectful and say that you're an adult and tell her that you will not be yelled at. When the time is right and you're not in a yelling match or fight discuss how you feel when she treats you like that (yells at you, or doesn't speak to you b/c she isn't getting her way) and that you think that her seeing a Dr. to make her feel happier might be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

We finally got MIL to go to therapy after asking for almost 2 years. It didn't happen until after there was an epically enormous fight and we told her we didn't want to have any further contact with her (or she with our kids) until she agreed to therapy. She held out for 20 months before she agreed to go. We are all going now (it has been she & DH, she & me, and now all three of us). It was an ugly process but it's actually helping, I think. Mainly - honestly - bc the therapist is validating OUR feelings that she is unreasonable and unfair an dpunitive. It's nice to have someone else, on the outside, agree with what we've been thinking. If nothing else it makes us feel better.
Oh, and we let her pick the therapist- otherwise, it never would have worked.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to the last two pps.

Through the years I've def. trained myself to keep my emotions in check. We get in an argument a couple of times a year still. Usually it happens when I've just reached the end of my rope or when I'm calmly trying to tell her that whatever she is saying hurts my feelings and she starts in on how I think she's a horrible mother, etc and I lose it. But for the most part I just yes and ok her to death and try to appease her.

I have started to tell her something along the lines of "mom I'm not going to discuss this with you right now because I don't feel like it is going to be a productive conversation because of how you're talking to me. I can feel myself getting annoyed so lets revisit this when we're both calmer". Half the time this works, half the time she gets meaner towards me.

PP, thank you very much for your experience. My mom is an amazing grandmother (my nephew is 18 months) and for the life of me I cannot figure out where the disconnect is between how she treats me and how she acts towards my nephew. My brother escapes most of her anxiety/issues for whatever reason. 90% of the time, I'm the target. I fear that I'm going to eventually have to give her an ultimatum, but I need to get myself into therapy before I can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to the last two pps.

Through the years I've def. trained myself to keep my emotions in check. We get in an argument a couple of times a year still. Usually it happens when I've just reached the end of my rope or when I'm calmly trying to tell her that whatever she is saying hurts my feelings and she starts in on how I think she's a horrible mother, etc and I lose it. But for the most part I just yes and ok her to death and try to appease her.

I have started to tell her something along the lines of "mom I'm not going to discuss this with you right now because I don't feel like it is going to be a productive conversation because of how you're talking to me. I can feel myself getting annoyed so lets revisit this when we're both calmer". Half the time this works, half the time she gets meaner towards me.

PP, thank you very much for your experience. My mom is an amazing grandmother (my nephew is 18 months) and for the life of me I cannot figure out where the disconnect is between how she treats me and how she acts towards my nephew. My brother escapes most of her anxiety/issues for whatever reason. 90% of the time, I'm the target. I fear that I'm going to eventually have to give her an ultimatum, but I need to get myself into therapy before I can do that.

My mother is very similar, worse than yours in some ways, similar in others. My sister and I desperately want her to seek treatment but in her mind it's everyone else's fault that she gets out of line/overanxious. She never likes to hear that she's out of control and when push comes to shove she thinks saying "I do it because I love you!" is an ok reason. Unfortunately, my only solution has been to pull back on communication with her. Still, when we do talk, about once a week now, it usually turns into an argument with me cutting off the call with the words "DS needs to eat or needs a new diaper, I have to go now." She's been this way for most of my life and I'm afraid it's not going to culminate in therapy and or meds but a massive debilitating stroke.

[Anonymous]

You can only change your response to her behavior. You really should try therapy. Honestly, your mom sounds like she would make anyone a little nuts. Don't feel guilty. I think you really need to set some limits with her.

[Anonymous]

14:38 here again. I'll add that although my mother is against getting therapy herself (she insists her friends are her therapists as they are all so wise and understand her well), she believes everyone else around her-- me, my siblings, our father-- all should go to therapy. Everyone needs therapy, except her. And yes, at various points, me and my siblings did go-- in order to deal with her better. So yeah, she's put people into therapy just to cope with her better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but parent is living with us and therapist is coming to the home (Maryland has a program in each of the counties) for free so she couldn't refuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may or may not go to a therapist, but you can control whether you go to a therapist to help you learn your own coping strategies and means of setting boundaries.

For the health of your new marriage, do it.

--Someone who is in therapy in large part to deal with a relative's untreated mental illness

OP here. You are so right. I've always known I've needed to go to therapy to learn how to find some coping strategies and also to deal with some of the issues I have related to how she's acted to me, but I've been guilt tripped and made to feel like a terrible daughter so many times that I have avoided going to therapy because I feel bad blaming my mom for issues I have.

But you're right. I do need to do it for the health of my marriage.

Yes, OP, if you haven't yourself been in therapy, you need to start there. You have the power in your hands to make your life so much better just by working with a professional to help you figure out how to cope. Give up on trying to get your mom into therapy. Start with yourself. I say this as the daughter of a very anxious mother who would never listen to my suggestions about how to get better. It was hard but I had to learn to accept that I couldn't make her get better and continuing to try was preventing me from getting better myself. Once I learned to accept that my relationship with my mom got better - because I had stopped letting her control me. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If your mother has been taking Xanax for years she is an addict. Benzodiazepam addictions can be really awful--look on the internet for Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac and her description of her benzo addiction.

Consider attending Naranon, which is free, to learn how to deal with an addicted family member.

[Anonymous]

Therapist here. It isn't likely that you'll be able to convince her to go to therapy if she doesn't want to - nothing wrong w/ suggesting it once or twice. You could also try therapy for yourself and/or 12-step mtgs.

Re: the Xanax, I would agree with 16:26 that there is a good chance she could be addicted or dependent, especially if she is needed more and more. Benzos are highly addictive and not great for long term use, but she should only withdraw off of them under medical supervision. You might try first getting her to a psychiatrist (if it is being prescribed by her GP) - this might be easier then pushing therapy, though if it is a good psychiatrist, they will likely recommend therapy for someone who is highly anxious