For those of you that do the IL vacation, reluctantly
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Anonymous
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..those that don't (and MIL herself) can move on to the next thread....
I likely will not attend this year, but MIL has a way of giving my family (her son) the worst accommodations. MIL invites visitors, but there is barely enough room for family she invites. My family sleeps five to a room, while the others have their own rooms. DH will not speak up, and I am "terrible" if I speak up. Sons in law only can speak up, they are male; not daughters in law, not sons, sometimes daughters can. We have our own vacation place and time, so this cuts into that, on top of the miserable experience. Only what sons in law or daughters say counts, and it makes for a horrible experience. DH insists on going. Should I book a hotel for them ahead of time, or wait until we get there, I suppose is the ultimate question? Should I send MIL an email telling her that the amenities she pointed out will not work for us? I real don't know what to do - I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, so I may as well speak up. DH and I work and we can not show up early like the ILs do, to claim the biggest space for the fewest people, in their case. |
Anonymous
Ugh. I'm in a similar situation as the short-straw son in law. Get a hotel room. Make up some reason (kids want to swim in the pool at night) or have DH say you need more room to sleep. If your experience is like mine, the bulk of the inequity is not your fault and no matter what you say or do, you're screwed. So if you must go, make the accomodations as comfortable as possible. Repeating the Serenity Prayer helps, seriously. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. |
Anonymous
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OP your #1 problem is not your MIL, it's the fact that your DH can't speak up. That's the huge issue
After getting walked all over for years because my DH wouldn't speak up, we went to counseling, had a few ultimatums with DH ("speak up about this holiday or I'm not attending") and lots of baby steps for DH to learn how to stand up. He realized that speaking with his parents isn't rude, that standing up for your wife is more important than your extended family and that good things come to those who ask for them. |
Anonymous
| Book a hotel room this year, and that may be the nudge your MIL needs to book appropriate accommodations for next year. |
Anonymous
| If it were me, and I could not make my husband grow a pair, I would opt for being "terrible" rather than put up with this situation. |
Anonymous
| If you don't go, don't get involved. It's your husband's battle - you just make it worse. If you do go, book a hotel - even if it's just for you. How about that? |
Anonymous
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What I would do is skip the whole thing and send MIL an email saying "Thank you so much for inviting us, but this year we've decided to enjoy our entire vacation at our beach house." If she contacted me and was all "But why?" I'd say "Well although we appreciate your accommodations, the reality is that five of us in one bedroom simply isn't relaxing and X number of people in one house isn't relaxing to us either. We've decided this year we'll have a relaxing vacation!"
And then I'd let the shit fall where it may. So what if she's angry? As long as I conduct myself politely and know I'm being a good person, I don't care what others think of me. |
Anonymous
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Don't go, or get your own hotel room(s) for yourself/spouse/your children. Five people in one bedroom in a house shared by ILs = 7th circle of hell!
If MIL gets upset too bad, nothing you can do about that, she's an adult but so are you, and your DH. |
Anonymous
| Sounds horrible. Eventually your kids will make the decision for you: they'll whine about the whole trip when they're older and demand that vacation is spent elsewhere. And if you drag them on the trip anyway, they'll remind you on a daily basis that it sucks. And when they're even older, they'll just not go. |
Anonymous
Talk about this with DH, but I think this is pretty much right. Just don't go altogether. You have another place and not enough time to go enjoy it with dealing with this crap...nope. You can see the ILs at other times, but your precious summer vacation will no longer be one of them. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
OP here. My children do not want to go, DH makes them go; and just like I can't make him grow a pair, he can't make me attend. To be honest, I am concerned about the children. They want to see their friends who are there (half hour away) during the same time. MIL books a different house, in a different location and town, every year, so there is no need to have to attend. She invites people to join them, which I do not really understand. In particular, one child is dangerous and tries to physically assault one of my children every year. I don't know what the issue is, but that child has been quite violent more than once, and their dad intervenes when he hears the screams, not DH. This is where the grow a pair would come in handy. I feel like I have to go, to keep my children safe. The child with issues is twice as big as the child they go after. It used to be that the child just stole toys, and took them back home with him, but now it is worse and violent. The child has a batting cage and full batting set up at his own house, its not that they can not afford a toy or counseling or whatever. Now I come across as the bad guy for noticing, right? MIL is saying "there are bunk beds" and I am even more horrified. The children have bunk beds at home, so there is zero novelty about having bunk beds. Bunk beds do not matter to them, she just wants to shove them all together, but I feel I need to either speak up now or vacation in a bunk bed later. It kinda sucks. Hmmmmm.....five people on a musty, many times flooded basement floor because the room won't fit an inflatable mattress, five people in a queen bed, or five people in two sets of bunk beds. Sounds like heaven on earth, right? I want to shake her and say "if you insist on going there, and it doesn't even matter what town or house or anything, can we just pay for a suitable house". Of course, she would refuse because she wants bragging rights of some sort. |
Anonymous
| Oh I wouldn't go and I would be honest about why. I absolutely would not care what she said or what she thought. If your husband wants to go, let him. If another kid is causing problems it is up to your husband and the other kid's parents to intervene. If your husband won't ensure that his children are not physical injured by another child, you need far more serious help that an anonymous board can give you. I wouldn't say a word to the MIL unless she contacted me directly. If she had the gall to ask me why I wasn't coming, I would say, "Well Betty, during each of the yearly vacations we have ended up sleeping in the same room as the kids. I like to have sex with my husband on vacation so the set up at your rental house doesn't work for me. Bill and the kids will be there though. I hope you have a great time." |
Anonymous
AWESOME response! These men need to put their new families first. I would never have a vacation with the in laws, and I like my in laws. Once we were on vacation and they stopped by and we had dinner. It was lovely. Then they went about their way and we went on ours. If safety is a concern, SPEAK UP. You need to tell your husband to deal with his mother. |
Anonymous
| You need to define your boundaries. Starting right now. |