Does SES affect close friendships? Emphasis on "close"

[Anonymous]

The other thread about dating outside of your SES (socio-economic status) gave me the idea for this thread. Have you made close friends with people who are either above or below you on the economic spectrum? How wide was the gap and did it affect your friendship?

I ask because I had the exact problems described in the other thread. I'm from a wealthy family, I became best friends with someone who was from a working-class background when I was in college. We had a real and loving friendship, partly because I played down my wealth, but eventually her resentment and insecurities and jealousy turned the friendship toxic (her behavior became very passive-aggressive and resentful - I'd rather not describe the details because she still lives in DC and might read this). and it slowly faded out.

It is very sad when things like this come between friendships.

[Anonymous]

It can, but it always takes two to tango. Rarely is it just one persons fsult...

[Anonymous]

I attended a university that had a lot of rich kids, and some of them became my close friends. I'm not going to lie, it did cause some anxiety - at least in my mind, probably not in theirs. I couldn't keep up with them and was often just staring when we went to a nightclub and they ordered bottle service for the whole table, or they drove around town in BMWs and only ate at 5-star restaurants. It made me uncomfortable because I couldn't participate in this part of their lives, so we socialized in the context of eating on campus/cooking together or doing low-key activities like bowling.

It definitely made me feel more uncertain and insecure, since I'd never been exposed to a crowd like that before college - and before college I'd been very happy with my SES and thought I had enough. I had wanted to do a PhD and become a professor. Halfway through college I decided I wanted to go to law school and achieve the SES of my college friends. And here I am now, an attorney, and still friends with my college buddies.

I wouldn't say that the wealth gap damaged my friendships, but it did create a weird power imbalance for a while, even if unintentionally. When someone else is always hosting you, or insisting that they be allowed to treat you because they want you to come out with them, or if you see their parents paying for their tuition while you work 3 jobs, and when your friends don't realize the value of quarters and don't care if they scatter coins by accident when they open/close their wallet (I had to resist the urge to pick up scattered coins off the ground because I was thinking "LAUNDRY MONEY! FOOD!") - it's hard not to feel a little resentful and insecure, even though we should all be above that. Happy to say I've grown beyond that now.

[Anonymous]

All my friends are upper-middle class, like me. I never really thought about that until now.

[Anonymous]

picking your friends in college is very important. my friends were poor like me. we sure had a lot of fun doing things that required almost no money... eating instant noodles, having potluck dinners, playing cards, listening to music, dancing, etc. the best part is all of us are quite wealthy now. our frugal practices paid off.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it absolutely does affect friendships. I'm sick of people trying to make me feel guilty because of the opportunities my parents gave me and resenting me for it. Tried to cross the economic barrier in friendships before - never again. Too many resentments.

[Anonymous]

I find it odd when SES doesn't affect friendships. I have a close friend who made partner in biglaw - right before the partnership door at my firm kind of closed as they hit financial problems. I am a few yrs junior and I -- and none of my peers -- did not make it. She's been a equity partner in biglaw for 3-4 years and I have seen no change in her behavior. Sure she went from a town home to a single family home, but that really is the only difference and even then while it's an expensive single family home -- it isn't crazy. We still go out to eat at the same places, go on the same kind of vacations etc. It's great but part of me wonders -- how much longer will this last? Surely she will change -- as much as I don't want her to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I attended a university that had a lot of rich kids, and some of them became my close friends. I'm not going to lie, it did cause some anxiety - at least in my mind, probably not in theirs. I couldn't keep up with them and was often just staring when we went to a nightclub and they ordered bottle service for the whole table, or they drove around town in BMWs and only ate at 5-star restaurants. It made me uncomfortable because I couldn't participate in this part of their lives, so we socialized in the context of eating on campus/cooking together or doing low-key activities like bowling.

It definitely made me feel more uncertain and insecure, since I'd never been exposed to a crowd like that before college - and before college I'd been very happy with my SES and thought I had enough. I had wanted to do a PhD and become a professor. Halfway through college I decided I wanted to go to law school and achieve the SES of my college friends. And here I am now, an attorney, and still friends with my college buddies.

I wouldn't say that the wealth gap damaged my friendships, but it did create a weird power imbalance for a while, even if unintentionally. When someone else is always hosting you, or insisting that they be allowed to treat you because they want you to come out with them, or if you see their parents paying for their tuition while you work 3 jobs, and when your friends don't realize the value of quarters and don't care if they scatter coins by accident when they open/close their wallet (I had to resist the urge to pick up scattered coins off the ground because I was thinking "LAUNDRY MONEY! FOOD!") - it's hard not to feel a little resentful and insecure, even though we should all be above that. Happy to say I've grown beyond that now.

Did you go to georgetown?

I think cities schools emphasize this more. I went to college in the middle of nowhere and there was nothing to spend money on. We were required to both live on campus and participate in the full meal plan all four years, and thre were no fancy restaurants anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it absolutely does affect friendships. I'm sick of people trying to make me feel guilty because of the opportunities my parents gave me and resenting me for it. Tried to cross the economic barrier in friendships before - never again. Too many resentments.

Maybe it's your attitude and not your opportunities that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I attended a university that had a lot of rich kids, and some of them became my close friends. I'm not going to lie, it did cause some anxiety - at least in my mind, probably not in theirs. I couldn't keep up with them and was often just staring when we went to a nightclub and they ordered bottle service for the whole table, or they drove around town in BMWs and only ate at 5-star restaurants. It made me uncomfortable because I couldn't participate in this part of their lives, so we socialized in the context of eating on campus/cooking together or doing low-key activities like bowling.

It definitely made me feel more uncertain and insecure, since I'd never been exposed to a crowd like that before college - and before college I'd been very happy with my SES and thought I had enough. I had wanted to do a PhD and become a professor. Halfway through college I decided I wanted to go to law school and achieve the SES of my college friends. And here I am now, an attorney, and still friends with my college buddies.

I wouldn't say that the wealth gap damaged my friendships, but it did create a weird power imbalance for a while, even if unintentionally. When someone else is always hosting you, or insisting that they be allowed to treat you because they want you to come out with them, or if you see their parents paying for their tuition while you work 3 jobs, and when your friends don't realize the value of quarters and don't care if they scatter coins by accident when they open/close their wallet (I had to resist the urge to pick up scattered coins off the ground because I was thinking "LAUNDRY MONEY! FOOD!") - it's hard not to feel a little resentful and insecure, even though we should all be above that. Happy to say I've grown beyond that now.

Did you go to georgetown?

I think cities schools emphasize this more. I went to college in the middle of nowhere and there was nothing to spend money on. We were required to both live on campus and participate in the full meal plan all four years, and thre were no fancy restaurants anyway.

Penn is a bit like this too -- though not as bad. I do agree, it happens more in city schools where there is something to spend on as opposed to rural/isolated places.

[Anonymous]

My best friend was from a higher SES family of origin. She married a man from an even wealthier family and he entered a lucrative field. They have never been "clueless" about what my situation is like and have been generous with gifts for my children and treating us to dinners out, vacations, etc. They would do more if I let them.
Why?
Her mother (a Boston Brahmin) actually married down. She eloped with her college professor who was the child of Eastern European refugees. Her parents came around after she almost died from a miscarriage, but it seems like the first few years of the marriage were economically difficult due to her family connections at the university where he taught. My BF grew up hearing about the struggles of living in a tiny apartment, the car breaking down, the shoes reheeled too many times. She knows I'm not exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

I had this experience in law school.

[Anonymous]

I was working my way through college, one hour at a time. Every penny went towards tuition or basic living expenses so yes SES played a role in close friendships as we had completely different lifestyles. While some people were heading to the beach house / skiing for the weekend, I was at work. While they went out to dinner, I ate grilled cheese sandwiches, while they met for coffee at the coffee shop, I shared a tea bag with 2 friends. I didn't have family to pay for my education and so money held quite a bit of importance for me and I was careful what I spent it on.

It wasn't a 'personal' thing. i didn't feel they look down on me or didn't like me, we just lived very different lives.

Once I started working I was in a situation where the roles changed. I now had enough disposable cash to do all the extras. I befriended a single mom living paycheck to paycheck and barely making ends meet. It was challenging to include her in our social activities as we often went out or did an activity that cost money. If we invited her out to dinner she could come for the companionship but wouldn't eat making up some excuse as to why she wasn't hungry and had just ate and that made me quite uncomfortable. My friendship with her ended up being separate from the group. We hung out at her house or mine watching movies and eating popcorn or we would go for a walk then have a cup of tea at home.

[Anonymous]

I learned my lesson with these friendships. It always ends up with built up insecurities and resentments. Friendships are naturally a little bit competitive, even the most healthy friendships out there. When there is a clear advantage ir disadvantage on either side it messes with the equation OR you end up with friends who are users.