Talk to me about deciding to go donor egg

[Anonymous]

Did 2 cycles of IVF that went no where b/c of egg quality issues. Planning to give it one more try b/c I bought into Shared Risk at SG. If that doesn't work, it's either donor egg or adopt.

While donor egg has some advantages (control over 1/2 the biology of the child, and control over pregnancy), part of me thinks it's just odd that it's my husband's sperm mixed with some other woman's egg. But adoption would have both my husband and I similarly situated, and fills a real human need whereas paying women to be donors still strikes me as a bit unsettling.

What are some considerations or questions that others have thought about when going this path?

[Anonymous]

I'm doing DE, because I really wanted to experience pregnancy. Unfortunately we just had a loss, but I can 100% tell you that they were my babies and the fact that we used an egg donor did not matter.

Adoption is also a wonderful path, but just like DE nothing is guaranteed. I feel more control doing DE.

While my DH gets to carry on his family genes, I get to carry and bond with our baby. The baby is mine biologically--just not genetically. If you are really hung up on the equal footing thing, you might look into embryo adoption.

GL this next cycle.

[Anonymous]

OP, do some reading on epigenetics. If you carry a donor egg baby, you absolutely influence the genetics of the child. In a very real sense, he or she would have three genetic parents.

[Anonymous]

We adopted our daughter as an infant, and we're now pursuing donor egg IVF attempting to have a second child.

During the adoption process, I came to the conclusion that infant adoption is, broadly, an industry I don't want to support. (This is not to condemn anyone else's choices, but you asked.)

When it came time to add another child, I basically felt the two most responsible options were adopting an older child or donor egg IVF. The former just wasn't the right option for our family, so we went with the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do some reading on epigenetics. If you carry a donor egg baby, you absolutely influence the genetics of the child. In a very real sense, he or she would have three genetic parents.

That's not true at all. You have a misguided idea about epigenetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do some reading on epigenetics. If you carry a donor egg baby, you absolutely influence the genetics of the child. In a very real sense, he or she would have three genetic parents.

That's not true at all. You have a misguided idea about epigenetics.

There is so much to learn about epigenetics, but I agree that the poster seems misguided about the concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did 2 cycles of IVF that went no where b/c of egg quality issues. Planning to give it one more try b/c I bought into Shared Risk at SG. If that doesn't work, it's either donor egg or adopt.

While donor egg has some advantages (control over 1/2 the biology of the child, and control over pregnancy), part of me thinks it's just odd that it's my husband's sperm mixed with some other woman's egg. But adoption would have both my husband and I similarly situated, and fills a real human need whereas paying women to be donors still strikes me as a bit unsettling.

What are some considerations or questions that others have thought about when going this path?

Nope. If you're talking infant adoption, there are far more parents wanting to adopt than there are babies needing adopting.

Not saying it makes either choice right or wrong, but that shouldn't be a factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did 2 cycles of IVF that went no where b/c of egg quality issues. Planning to give it one more try b/c I bought into Shared Risk at SG. If that doesn't work, it's either donor egg or adopt.

While donor egg has some advantages (control over 1/2 the biology of the child, and control over pregnancy), part of me thinks it's just odd that it's my husband's sperm mixed with some other woman's egg. But adoption would have both my husband and I similarly situated, and fills a real human need whereas paying women to be donors still strikes me as a bit unsettling.

What are some considerations or questions that others have thought about when going this path?

Nope. If you're talking infant adoption, there are far more parents wanting to adopt than there are babies needing adopting.

Not saying it makes either choice right or wrong, but that shouldn't be a factor.

+1, there are no newborns in this country needing homes

[Anonymous]

I have a 1 year old from DE. It was the best decision that we ever made. We also considered adoption, but the truth was that, because our problem was also egg quality not another problem with carrying a baby to term, DE offered a much higher chance of getting a successful outcome before our money ran out. For us, we were lucky that it worked on the first try. Only you can decide if the genetic connection is necessary for you, but having a biological connection to my child through pregnancy and breastfeeding was wonderful and plenty of a connection to make me never think about the fact that he has different genes. The truth is that I feel like he is 100% my son since I have cared for him every day since he implanted in my uterus. He would not be a person if I wasn't involved. An egg, and even a fertilized egg, is not the same thing as a baby. I learned that lesson the hard way through many OE miscarriages.

[Anonymous]

I did not use donor eggs but although I have unusual looks (red hair, pale, very green eyes) my children got none of my traits and look very much like their father genetically speaking. Rationally I know that my genes are in my children but no one, including myself can tell. Doesn't make me not want them any less.

There is something about pregnancy, breastfeeding, and the hormonal changes of it all. I literally changed with my first pregnancy after my kids were born. I've spoken to many moms (some that I had no interest in really being a mom) and they agree that pregnancy and birth forever change you. A purple polka dot baby could have come out of me and it would be mine and I would be just as fierce about that child as if it were my twin.

Probably not the most brilliant answer but something to think about.

[Anonymous]

We considered DE but decided against it. Once it wasn't the shared "product" of both of our genes, we weren't comfortable with creating a child this way. We did int'l adoption (China) and adopted a little girl (then age 3) with a cleft lip and cleft palate. IT felt right to us and it was such an amazing experience for all of us. We are doing it again (now waiting for #2) and have asked for the same age, special need, and gender. I liked being able to pick which special need(s) we were and were not open to and felt I had a lot of control over the experience. Our daughter has changed our lives and I cannot wait to get her a sister!!!!! (DD1 is now 6 and is doing great -- in regular K, smart as a whip, no other unforeseen situations, no attachment problems, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 1 year old from DE. It was the best decision that we ever made. We also considered adoption, but the truth was that, because our problem was also egg quality not another problem with carrying a baby to term, DE offered a much higher chance of getting a successful outcome before our money ran out. For us, we were lucky that it worked on the first try. Only you can decide if the genetic connection is necessary for you, but having a biological connection to my child through pregnancy and breastfeeding was wonderful and plenty of a connection to make me never think about the fact that he has different genes. The truth is that I feel like he is 100% my son since I have cared for him every day since he implanted in my uterus. He would not be a person if I wasn't involved. An egg, and even a fertilized egg, is not the same thing as a baby. I learned that lesson the hard way through many OE miscarriages.

I would agree with this mom's thinking in terms of having the biological connection. I am an adoptive mom and have met many other adoptive moms who really, truly mourn the lack of biological connection for years to come. I often think those moms would have been better off choosing an option like Donor Egg or surrogate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 1 year old from DE. It was the best decision that we ever made. We also considered adoption, but the truth was that, because our problem was also egg quality not another problem with carrying a baby to term, DE offered a much higher chance of getting a successful outcome before our money ran out. For us, we were lucky that it worked on the first try. Only you can decide if the genetic connection is necessary for you, but having a biological connection to my child through pregnancy and breastfeeding was wonderful and plenty of a connection to make me never think about the fact that he has different genes. The truth is that I feel like he is 100% my son since I have cared for him every day since he implanted in my uterus. He would not be a person if I wasn't involved. An egg, and even a fertilized egg, is not the same thing as a baby. I learned that lesson the hard way through many OE miscarriages.

I would agree with this mom's thinking in terms of having the biological connection. I am an adoptive mom and have met many other adoptive moms who really, truly mourn the lack of biological connection for years to come. I often think those moms would have been better off choosing an option like Donor Egg or surrogate.

Interesting. I am the adoptive mom who posted above you. I am not discounting the other moms' feelings, but I myself have never felt this way. If anything, I love seeing traits in her that I do not see in me (or my DH). I also was sooo tired of having my body manipulated by IF treatments that it felt like I had finally found the right route for me to find a child without having my body artificially manipulated and jerked all over the place. It was like it was I had been waiting for all my life. Also, like I said, I love seeing some traits in her which I have never seen in me or my DH. She is like a present we continue to unwrap every day. I love her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 1 year old from DE. It was the best decision that we ever made. We also considered adoption, but the truth was that, because our problem was also egg quality not another problem with carrying a baby to term, DE offered a much higher chance of getting a successful outcome before our money ran out. For us, we were lucky that it worked on the first try. Only you can decide if the genetic connection is necessary for you, but having a biological connection to my child through pregnancy and breastfeeding was wonderful and plenty of a connection to make me never think about the fact that he has different genes. The truth is that I feel like he is 100% my son since I have cared for him every day since he implanted in my uterus. He would not be a person if I wasn't involved. An egg, and even a fertilized egg, is not the same thing as a baby. I learned that lesson the hard way through many OE miscarriages.

I would agree with this mom's thinking in terms of having the biological connection. I am an adoptive mom and have met many other adoptive moms who really, truly mourn the lack of biological connection for years to come. I often think those moms would have been better off choosing an option like Donor Egg or surrogate.

Interesting. I am the adoptive mom who posted above you. I am not discounting the other moms' feelings, but I myself have never felt this way. If anything, I love seeing traits in her that I do not see in me (or my DH). I also was sooo tired of having my body manipulated by IF treatments that it felt like I had finally found the right route for me to find a child without having my body artificially manipulated and jerked all over the place. It was like it was I had been waiting for all my life. Also, like I said, I love seeing some traits in her which I have never seen in me or my DH. She is like a present we continue to unwrap every day. I love her!

I liked this. Thanks for your take, PP! If our next couple cycles don't work out this is the path I want to go, too. I have never felt that adopting a child would make it feel any less "mine". To the contrary it adds some additional fun of seeing a person blossom with their own special traits. Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Doing DE can be very emotional. I think its weird to carry another persons egg mixed with the husband but to each its own. I do understand wanting to carry a pregnancy and deliver. Its an amazing feeling and every woman should experience it. You need to also think about telling your children when they get older. Couples uses shared donor and dont think about these kids having brothers and sisters living in the same area of each other and would never know it!! Its tough but hope you do what is best for you