If you are a MIL, what do you think of your DIL? How to have good relationship?

[Anonymous]

All these MIL posts are so sad. There's so much anger and horrible feelings towards MILs. I don't believe that there are that many nasty older women. Are DILs overreacting? Or buying into this myth of the evil MIL?

If you are a MIL, how do you handle this? Is there anyway to create a healthy loving relationship with your DIL?
My MIL walked on eggshells around me for years so was obviously worried about it. It actually made it hard to bond with her, she was so sweet & uber polite all the time.

I'd like to be close to my DIL someday. Surely it's possible!

[Anonymous]

I think it's a hard dynamic. When I married DH, I wanted to care for him. Basically I took over all the responsibilities that my MIL used to like to do for her son (cooking, cleaning, laundry) even though of course her son had been living on his own. I don't have that traditional of a marriage, but I run my household, plan vacations and generally make the decisions (DH is more easy going so he defers to me). In a way I think all MILs think that their DILs have usurped their place in their sons life. And it may be true.

I have a good relationship with my MIL but it's nothing like the best friend that I have in my own mom. I try to be fair and give each equal holidays and visits though.

[Anonymous]

Oh and I'm from 9:43. I think there's a dynamic between father in laws and son in laws too. In my family though the men are more laid back so it's not an issue.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is good to me and my mom is good to DH. Mainly they know how to be there w/o sticking their noses in (usually). It's a fine art.

[Anonymous]

I am not a MIL, but I am a DIL who really likes my MIL and we have a good relationship. She is kind and helpful but not overbearing. She doesn't give her opinion much unless we ask for it. She doesn't see me a competition and really respects me. I think it helps that we are both easy going and don't like drama. She recently told me that she thinks my husband married the perfect person for him and that I was a very good mother. And she was sincere about this. I think the keys are mutual respect, no drama-seeking actions/behavior and assume the other has good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Many people have fraught relationships with other family members, it's just more socially acceptable, and sometimes encouraged, to complain about one's MIL or DIL, which is why you hear those stories.

My MIL is lovely and my mother is difficult. I do not have the same social incentive to complain about my own mother as I do for my MIL: my friends find solace in complaining together about their MILs. They share coping tips and horror stories. Family loyalty impedes me from doing the same for my mother, even though there are horror stories there as well.

[Anonymous]

My MIL lost her own mom as a child, and has horrible inlaws I think she perpetuates the cycle boy is she a sneaky bitch! She also feels entitled to our money bc she assumes it's her so me ans therefore hers. I thinks he's jealous that I spend it. However she doesn't get that I've earned 50 percent of what we have. She assumes her son makes a million bucks when it's not the case and we earn the same. I've taken the last few yrs to stay at home with my baby and older preschooler and she thinks it's on her sons dime. She doesn't realize I've banked $200,000 of savings on my own and can afford to. Her son didn't just make this situation happen, it was joint!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a MIL, but I am a DIL who really likes my MIL and we have a good relationship. She is kind and helpful but not overbearing. She doesn't give her opinion much unless we ask for it. She doesn't see me a competition and really respects me. I think it helps that we are both easy going and don't like drama. She recently told me that she thinks my husband married the perfect person for him and that I was a very good mother. And she was sincere about this. I think the keys are mutual respect, no drama-seeking actions/behavior and assume the other has good intentions.

This is my MIL as well. She is highly complementary and supportive- more so than my own mom!!

[Anonymous]

I also have a great relationship with my MIL. I actually have a better relationship with her than with my husband sometimes. She's backed me up when he's been in the wrong before. She's a wonderful women, a loving grandmother to my children and I'm very grateful for her.

[Anonymous]

I think it's generally people who have control and competition issues. Not to say that there aren't just awful mils out there, but for example, I couldn't give a damn if someone wanted to cook for her husband at my house when visiting, or bring a ham to Christmas dinner. Who cares. A lot of it is power struggles.

[Anonymous]

My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

[Anonymous]

I think a LOT of the MIL drama is created by the DIL because people like to have the drama. I do think there are some awful MIL/DIL relationships out there, but I think most are just exaggerated.

My MIL is extremely hard to talk to, quite selfish and we have nothing in common. However, I respect her becuase she is my MIL. I take her out for her birthday, we go over there with the kids quite often for dinners or brunches, we go on vacation together, etc.

Do I look forward to our time together? No, but I do what I can to make her happy and hope she has the same courtesy. Just because you married into the family doesn't mean you have to be BFFs with her.

I think some DILs have unrealistic expectations of the MIL which causes a lot of the drama.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a great relationship with my MIL and attribute it mostly to the fact that she is not self-reliant and needs my husband to help her with the most basic of tasks. My husband feeds into this by doing basic things for her. On top of all of this, she has terrible judgment with all things financial, so we will be supporting her in her old age. Aside from this, she really is a lovely woman, who adores my husband and our kids, and is always nice to me. I just can't get over the weird dependence she has on her child.

[Anonymous]

My challenges around my MIL come from her routine comments about our life choices. Many would advise that I ignore her or cut her off, but that's not how my family treats family. I do want a relationship with her so I do share our hopes and plans for the future. In return she listens and tells me later with small subtle comments that she disapproves. I actually welcome that, except that her comments tend to be along the lines that I am hurting DH in some way. It makes it hard. I invite her into my inner world, in an attempt to be intimate, but she ultimately doesn't like my choices. She makes it clear I am an outsider that she thinks is weighing DH down.

It's hard to be close or comfortable with someone who rejects and judges you. I am envious of women who have supportive MILs. When I got married I took on DH's dreams as my own, and he did the same for me. We help each other achieve those dreams. She is unable to acknowledge that my dreams matter too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is lovely. She comes from a colder family than ours, and I think all the ways we're close made her uncomfortable for several years. We all talk weekly if not more, and she was used to only speaking to her father on birthdays and Christmas. She had a very strained relationship with her own mother (I admit to being worried it was her fault) that ultimately had completely ended even before we met her.

She does things differently than we do and is simply not as naturally warm and informal as we are. She reminds me of the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The Family Stone - where she's meeting her boyfriend's family at Christmas and they go to hug her as she sticks out her arm to shake hands. But she tries very hard to make us comfortable when we visit, she invites us to spend time with the grandkids, whenever she's traveling to our city for work she hauls them along so we can spend time with them, and she tries to meld to our ways of doing things when she's visiting us.

She makes our son very, very happy, which in turn makes us very, very happy.

I love how you say she is lovely...and then proceed to bash he and her family. passive aggressive type huh?