S/O--if your parents lives in your in-law suite, how does it work?

[Anonymous]

If a single parent is living in the "in-law" suite, how does it work? Do they eat dinner with you every night? How much family time can you really get without the parent being there, too? My FIL may move in with us, and it seems such a drastic change to have him around all the time. I care about him, so I would feel weird and bad ever having dinner upstairs, for example, while he eats by himself in the basement. He's social, so he would like to eat with us. Or I'd feel weird having a dinner party while he was in the basement, but I don't really want to have to include him when I have friends or acquaintances over for a social occasion like a dinner party.

Just generally interested in hearing about how to balance desire for space and desire to make a parent feel welcome and included (just not ALWAYS included!). What works, what doesn't. TIA.

[Anonymous]

My mom lives with us -- not in an in-law suite, but in a bedroom on a separate floor and has her own bath. She eats dinner with us every night, unless she has something she's off doing like shopping or whatever. We always welcome her on any entertaining that we do, but she often takes a pass because frankly sitting around with all our friends probably wouldn't be that fun for her. But she's a part of our family as much as our children are and so she's welcome to part of anything we do at the house. If we want private time with friends, we usually go out. But we are happy to include her and the kids in our at-home entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us -- not in an in-law suite, but in a bedroom on a separate floor and has her own bath. She eats dinner with us every night, unless she has something she's off doing like shopping or whatever. We always welcome her on any entertaining that we do, but she often takes a pass because frankly sitting around with all our friends probably wouldn't be that fun for her. But she's a part of our family as much as our children are and so she's welcome to part of anything we do at the house. If we want private time with friends, we usually go out. But we are happy to include her and the kids in our at-home entertaining.

You're a good kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us -- not in an in-law suite, but in a bedroom on a separate floor and has her own bath. She eats dinner with us every night, unless she has something she's off doing like shopping or whatever. We always welcome her on any entertaining that we do, but she often takes a pass because frankly sitting around with all our friends probably wouldn't be that fun for her. But she's a part of our family as much as our children are and so she's welcome to part of anything we do at the house. If we want private time with friends, we usually go out. But we are happy to include her and the kids in our at-home entertaining.

My grandma lived with us growing up in a very similar set up. I recall it working much the same way. If we were having a sit down family dinner, then she ate with us (and was often the cook!). If we were all going different directions for soccer/gymnastics/after work happy hour/what have you, then it was everyone for themselves, including her.

[Anonymous]

Im not in this situation (yet), but I do think it's important you include him. Even if it's annoying and it alters your family dynamic. It's important because he is family, and he needs you. Plus consider what you are modeling for your kids. You will be old and needy someday, and wouldn't you want to be welcome at their table?

[Anonymous]

If dinner is your only concern then it seems so superficial to essentially uninvite family to dinner. And, of course, not wanting him to move in for that reason alone.

What do you do with your kids if you are "entertaining" guests?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I'm just trying to envision what life will be like. It's quite a change to have FIL around all the time. If DH and I go for a drive with DC, now FIL will be there. If we go to run errands, FIL will be there. If we go for a walk, FIL will be there. That's a big change for me.

PP, when we have more formal dinner parties, we have a babysitter. When we host friends with kids, the kids entertain themselves and eat at the kids table. When FIL has visited in the past and we've had friends over, he stakes out a big chunk of conversational turf and occasionally will sulk if he's not getting enough attention or the right kind of attention. I'm not sure how much to expect my adult friends to want to hang out with my FIL when they hang out at our house. But I guess having him here would give me and DH a chance to go out more than we do now, which is almost never.

DH is from a country where all generations hang out together and spend most of their time together in family groups. I grew up here in a family that was pretty private and spread out in a big old house, seeing relatives a few times a year. Up to now, FIL has visited for weeks at a time, and I sometimes find my patience growing thin. (I won't get into the personality differences; I do care about him and think he's a nice person.). I'm trying to envision a permanent situation. I'm sure it'll be hard for him, too, and I want him to felt welcome, but there's a part of me that would prefer he wasn't moving in. I guess that's selfish, and yes I feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to include him on everything you do, just things that are happening at the house. So if you want to go for a walk as a family and you are all getting your shoes on right in front of him, I might say, "We're going for a walk for about 30 minutes. You're welcome to join us if you wish." But if he is in his room watching tv, I would just call up, "We'll be out for about half and hour !"

If you are running errands, I would phrase it as. " Do you need anything from X, Y, or Z?" I don't think that requires an invite. If he can't drive, though you need to plan on you or DH taking him on any errands FIL has once a week or so.

As for family meals, assuming he is capable of fixing himself leftovers or something, them I would say that if you are sitting down together for a meal, you should make extra and invite him, but if it's one of those nights when you feed the kid, DH grabs something from the drive thru and you eat after you get DC to bed, then just let FIL know, "Hey, dinner is catch-as-catch-can tonight, so you're on your own. There's leftover X if you want it."

At dinner parties, I agree that it would be rude to exclude him, but that doesn't entitle him to be rude to your guests. So don't feel compelled to spoon-feed him attention. If he sulks in a corner, that is his choice. At some point it may require a conversation (outside of party mode) about the fact that he is not an honored guest, just a regular member of the family now, which means that you will be more concerned with making sure your guests feel heard and attended to, but that you love him and would be happy to listen to his views on X at a family dinner some night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. I'm just trying to envision what life will be like. It's quite a change to have FIL around all the time. If DH and I go for a drive with DC, now FIL will be there. If we go to run errands, FIL will be there. If we go for a walk, FIL will be there. That's a big change for me.

PP, when we have more formal dinner parties, we have a babysitter. When we host friends with kids, the kids entertain themselves and eat at the kids table. When FIL has visited in the past and we've had friends over, he stakes out a big chunk of conversational turf and occasionally will sulk if he's not getting enough attention or the right kind of attention. I'm not sure how much to expect my adult friends to want to hang out with my FIL when they hang out at our house. But I guess having him here would give me and DH a chance to go out more than we do now, which is almost never.

DH is from a country where all generations hang out together and spend most of their time together in family groups. I grew up here in a family that was pretty private and spread out in a big old house, seeing relatives a few times a year. Up to now, FIL has visited for weeks at a time, and I sometimes find my patience growing thin. (I won't get into the personality differences; I do care about him and think he's a nice person.). I'm trying to envision a permanent situation. I'm sure it'll be hard for him, too, and I want him to felt welcome, but there's a part of me that would prefer he wasn't moving in. I guess that's selfish, and yes I feel guilty.

The difference now is that FIL is not a guest. You don't have to host him or entertain him. You don't have to bring him on errands or a drive. You say, "Hey we're going to Target, be back in an hour. Need anything?" Or you could ask him to go to Target for you. You're only looking at the negatives.

[Anonymous]

Miserably, but in our case it's a sibling. BIL in in-law suite causes incredible tension in the marriage and now is causing tension between DH and BIL too. Never do this.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws live with us. They do their own breakfast and lunch and join us for dinner. They are on their own when DH travels, because I use that as my vacation from domesticities time. So, basically, when my DH is with us for dinner, they are invited. It works out well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us -- not in an in-law suite, but in a bedroom on a separate floor and has her own bath. She eats dinner with us every night, unless she has something she's off doing like shopping or whatever. We always welcome her on any entertaining that we do, but she often takes a pass because frankly sitting around with all our friends probably wouldn't be that fun for her. But she's a part of our family as much as our children are and so she's welcome to part of anything we do at the house. If we want private time with friends, we usually go out. But we are happy to include her and the kids in our at-home entertaining.

Same situation here. With some friends my mom will join the dinner party, with others she'll skip. If we're making an actual meal she'll eat with us. If we're doing leftovers or fending for ourselves after the kids are in bed, she usually eats hers in the basement. We nearly always invite her on family outings, but she typically declines. She's very respectful about our space, though.

As respectful as she is, it isn't always easy. Not necessarily for entertaining, but more for the fact that you're far less likely to ever have the house to yourself or have time for just you and DH. Still, I think the benefits outweigh the downsides. Our children have become very close with her.