Very different childhood for child from yours?

[Anonymous]

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and was just reading the "money" threads on this forum today. And it got me to thinking about some things.

I was raised in the rural south, with somewhat poor parents in a poor community. I was one of 10 kids in my high school to go to college. We had 220 freshmen and graduated 100 in the end - lots of dropouts and pregnancy. I know what it is like to go to bed without food, and to not know if you'll have a place to live next month. I grew up in a very unstable home and put off having kids for awhile until I knew I wouldn't repeat that situation.

With a LOT of luck, motivation and work ethic, I now am a consultant at a well known firm and make a nice living, especially when you pair it with what my husband makes. However, I have a really hard time spending any money, even though I'm in my thirties and have left that lifestyle behind.

I am now thinking about raising a child in the DC area and how so many things he'll be exposed to will be foreign to me -- not that I don't think those opportunities are great, I do, I just wonder if I will be able to relate at all. I am worried there will be things I just don't even know about -- this has happened to me before and by now I can fake it but wouldn't want to do that with my child.

This is probably just last minute cold feet, but wanted to see if anyone had any experiences to share. So in the end, this isn't just about money, I guess - more about opportunity. I feel like I'll be super excited about any opportunity he can get, whereas to him it might just be a normal experience...anyway, hope this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I think I hear where you are coming from. It is a sad truth that greatness often skips a generation, and I think for the reasons you mention. The adversity you dealt with as a child has forged you into a stronger person. Those of us who are raised in the lap of luxury often do not have the core of steel that our parents did.

I don't know the cure. You can't deprive your child in an effort to "toughen" him or her up. Just try not to spoil them I guess.

[Anonymous]

It makes a ton of sense to me. I, too grew up in the rural south. Eventhough, I do not have kids yet, I already worry about some of these things. I am a nanny about to get married next month.

I am hitting the mid 30s mark and know kids are right around the corner for us. I question daily if we should move to get away from some of the DC issues.

I don't have any advice but did want you to know you are not alone at all. Also, someone understands.

[Anonymous]

I think if you share with your child your excitement about his opportunities he won't take them for granted. I would make sure to share your life story so he realizes how lucky he is to be raised in a different way. You will form such a close bond with your child that you can just enjoy his excitement over these opportunities -- I'm sure you will be able to relate to some degree. Having a child is like a free pass to experience life from the beginning and to enjoy all the wonders of discovery for a second time. In your case that may be even more true, since you won't have the anxiety about having enough food or money.

When I was little my dad was a professor and my mom a SAHM so I wore clothes from Goodwill and was always the least fashionable kid in school. But my parents sacrificed to send me to private high school and an Ivy League college so I feel that I can hold my own in any status competition. I definitely feel comfortable in my own skin and the choices I make to avoid excess but still enjoy the benefits of a typical upper-middle-class life.

Not sure if this is coming out right, but I would just say that you sound like an amazing person who has overcome a lot and you are in a great position to raise a grounded kid even in this materialistic world (and city). Just be yourself.

[Anonymous]

Good for you! You sound like you worked hard and really appreciate everything you have. The best thing you can do is not give your child unlimited things so that he will cherish each thing he gets or she, etc and every experience they have. I didn't understand what you meant about how there will be things you don't know about that you can fake now? I mean everyone that lives here doesn't know everything? You will learn what there is to offer as you go-

I think so much is different now than it was when I was young-mostly the opposite of what you said. I had a mom who stayed home-we went on vacations every year, I went to whatever college I wanted to go to, etc. Now we struggle financially and in a way I am even more appreciative of anything we do or anything we have since it is so hard now. Most families need two incomes where on the block where I grew up every single mom was home. I love working so I don't wish every woman didn't work now but it is a different different world!

[Anonymous]

What you give your child is an appreciation of where they came from. In my case, they hear about my husband's famous grandfather, but they also hear about my grandmother - the seamstress from rural Alabama who married at 15, had my mother at home on the farm at 16, and didn't learn to read until she was in her 70s. They hear about what a huge influence she was on me.

You teach them not everybody gets a new car when they want it (even if you do). Not everybody has two houses (even if you do). You teach them things cost money, and they can't always have everything they want. And you teach them how to be happy and good people.

You also teach them there will always be people with more, and less, than you have. So they shouldn't get caught up in it. And, when they are older, you tell them that they have to choose for themselves the kind of life they want to lead and what is most important to them.

You take them to church, if that's important to you. You let them be themselves as best you can but also know when and how to set limits.

And you don't worry about not knowing the secret handshakes in life that others may know. As long as they know all about Momma's kisses, that is what they need to know most. I spent too many years in therapy worrying about the secret handshakes I didn't know because nobody raised me to make as much money as I do or to move in the circles I move in (not "elite" as defined by the private school forum - - but pretty rarified nonetheless). Be who you are and love them. That's the very best thing you can do for your kids.

Oh, and make sure you teach them about grits and collard greens! That is definitely worth knowing.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks - wasn't expecting any compliments.

What I meant by not understanding things - I mean basic things that people who grew up in "normal" places understand, but things that I literally had never heard of even by the time I was 20 ... I'm struggling right now for an example - but things like ethnic food or any type of travel (we never left the state) or snow skiing even...haha. Stuff that coworkers and friends talk about like it is commonplace.

I totally agree on the not spoiling - have to work harder to get my hubby on board with that. You should see him with the dog even!

My sister has spoiled her kids soooo much b/c "I never had anything so they should have everything" and those kids can be so unbearable.

I have also thought that at some point, when he is older - I would take him to my hometown (my parents moved away) and show him things like my high school or my middle school - the playground of which is next door to a smoke stack of a paper mill. I wonder if this will help him understand me and get some "family history".

Anyways, thanks for the ideas. I am just feeling a bit of last minute panic I think!!

[Anonymous]

I wonder if this will help him understand me and get some "family history".

I should also add too - that I wonder if he'll be embarrassed. I really hope he won't but I've been ridiculed enough about being Southern to worry about it.

[Anonymous]

I think it can be fine to have a hard time spending money on your self--better than having too easy a time of it! Remember that just because there are many opportunities for your child, you don't have to put each of them in his lap. Don't be afraid to be frugal (if that's your preference). Most important, surround yourself with people whose values you share.

I found "The Millionaire Next Door" to be inspiring reading, and it had good ideas about how to deal with having wealth and kids.

[Anonymous]

That is a great idea-I loved going to see where my Mom grew up. I mentioned having my Mom home with me but forgot to say that when she was growing up she had NOTHING! She was soo poor and worked hard to have everything and at times I think she gets mad because my Dad spoiled us to a point and in a way she is right that you do come to expect things if you are given whatever you want and she didn't have that growing up and either did my Dad. Now that I am in a situation where I have to watch every penny-I have learned the value of a dollar like never before. I appreciate every meal out even if it is just at the diner! My DH and I seem to be on the same page about not spoiling our DS. I see friends of mine with kids who are never happy with what they have-always wanting something and whining about it. My friend buys them stuff even if there is no money because she hates to see them without. I think it is crazy but I also have a child too young to ask for anything yet!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I can relate somewhat...being a foreigner living here with two very small kids...I also cannot sometimes quite "understand" everything that US has to offer, good or bad. I just lack the "social fluency" of completely understanding everything, how it goes, what you do, etc etc. With your kids, you just dont fake it...just tell them and be proud of it. That is the thing...say, well, i have never been skiing but lets try and see how we like it, type of thing. You will do great! You sound like a great person. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wonder if this will help him understand me and get some "family history".

I should also add too - that I wonder if he'll be embarrassed. I really hope he won't but I've been ridiculed enough about being Southern to worry about it.

I'm the poster with the grandmother above. I was raised outside of a large northeastern city, so I am a "Yankee" (my husband, who is Southern, refers to me as a half-breed because of my mother/grandmother). Yet, I can tell you I never "got" my mother or her family or where she comes from more than I did when we took a road trip together after I graduated from grad school. We stood in a little cemetery out in the country and she knew or was related to half the people there. I never felt grounded or connected to anything before that moment, probably because we had always lived away from our extended family. It was really cool.

I sincerely doubt, if you do this at an age appropriate time, that he will be embarrassed. All people like to know where they come from, I think. I think the pre-teen and teen years might not be the right time to take him because you never know what you are going to get in those years for reactions to things.

Obviously, I married a Southerner, so I can't imagine why you would give a second thought to being ridiculed about it! There are things about the South that more of us Yankees could use - like the emphasis on family, for instance. If that happened to you in DC I am surprised because DC prides itself, when it wants to, on being a Southern city.

[Anonymous]

OP here- people always tell me DC is Southern and it makes me laugh. I think of it as no man's land, in all honesty.

Let's see - I had people ask me "Do you need me to speak slower?" all drawn out and sarcastic. I had someone ask me where my tiara was. I had someone assume that my dad owns lots of guns - which was very offensive to me personally, b/c he loathes them, and I didn't like them talking about my daddy!

I've also had the "all Southerners are racist" remark thrown at me about 100 times - and I am in an interracial marriage. I also had someone, when they found out I wasn't from a city, remark that I was from the "redneck" part of the state.

I will say I too was surprised, I thought that people would be more open minded, but they don't seem to see that their stereotypes are just as bad as what they are falsely accusing me of - it is actually kind of interesting.

16:49 - glad to know that your trip with your mom made such an impression. What age do you think would be a good one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:49 - glad to know that your trip with your mom made such an impression. What age do you think would be a good one?

Based on my own experiences only, I would say before 10 and after 20. Others may have different views.

[Anonymous]

I grew up fairly well-to-do and knew many people of similar means. It is definitely possible to raise children with backbone and the sense of the value of a dollar without deprivation. My brother and I never had a lot of money in our pockets, and didn't have the ability to buy expensive things without asking. We drove crappy (but safe) cars, and had responsibilities at home. My point is, it can be done.

Think hard about what money really means - it isn't the baubles, but the security and the freedom. I was really lucky to have these things and I never missed the baubles.