Very different childhood for child from yours?

[Anonymous]

My childhood was very different from my mothers. And now my kids are growing up in a very different world.
We moved aroung a lot, and lived in a 3rd world country. I remember coming back and starting school and being shocked at how much food the school cafeteria threw away, the times when kids were very rood to teachers and how I could not understand why someone would talk like that to an old person.
I probably was the poorest student in school, but I was not aware of it as I had seen such different poverty. My classmates on the other hand were very aware of it.
Either way, I want my kids to enjoy both cultures. At the moment I feel as if I can blend in completely to both worlds, but do not feel that I entirely own either one. I am OK with this. Sometimes when I think of my childhood friends, I see how much I have missed out on by being so far away, at the same time I also feel I have lived a rich and varied life.

[Anonymous]

OP, may I suggest a few things:

First, try to get your child to understand the wonderful and unique memories of your childhood. There must be many. There are so many advantages that kids growing up in rural America have, that urban kids miss out on. It is always nice to hear those stories from your parents. Also, show him where you came from. It is very important.

Second, keep in mind that most of what is good and precious here in DC, is free. The museums, the historical sites, the libraries, some concerts and so on. Enjoyment of those things should be the same for every socio-economic group.

Third, try not to over do it while teaching him the value of a dollar. Try to be practical and try not to make him feel guilty about privilege.

Fourth, try not to over do it while trying to make him comfortable with others who appear to be from a more affluent background. There will be times that he will feel out of place, but probably for reasons that are different from yours, and that's OK.

Last, be honest. No one will fault you for that. The way you wrote on this thread makes me think that you are a person of character, which is admirable.

Have fun with the little one.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions. I have felt burdened with these thoughts for a while, your support has helped tremendously.

23:41 - I think yours is such a logical, reasonable, balanced approach. 16:29 - thanks for the ideas about your trip to visit where your mom came from. I will definitely be doing that as well. Luckily for me, I have a good deal of recorded family history to lean on, including a book my grandmother wrote.

I understand so much my sister's approach of "give them everything" and the emotions behind it, but have come to see the ill effects and I just don't want that result. I also have to just get over all of the crap people have said to me about being Southern and just own it more, I think. Because I'm sure if he senses that I have an issue with it, he'll have an issue with it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with so much of what has been said above. You sound so thoughtful and self-aware. My bet is your instincts will help you navigate this issue well over the years.

Your son will likely take his cues from you. If you're comfortable with who you are and where you came from, he will be, too. So much of this is about teaching values and creating character -- and again, the number one factor in that is the parents. No matter who your child goes to school with, what he sees around him or what he learns from classmates and the media, the values you all model at home will have so much more influence. If you're comfortable in your own skin, he'll be just fine about it -- other people's silly comments will roll off of him because they roll off of you.

More directly on the money front, both my parents were raised with nothing and they worked very hard to provide a much better life for us. We had so many wonderful opportunities they never had, but they somehow taught us to appreciate it all WITHOUT making us feel guilty. Both parts of that are important, I think. Parents who burden their children with guilt over their good fortune create other problems down the road. Not the same as having a spoiled, entitled child, but bad in it's own way, I think.

Anyway, one thing that seemed to help is that our parents always required us to make choices. That was a key value in our house. We had a lot, but there were always limits. We understood early on that we never could have "it all," and we got to participate in making some of our own choices within the boundaries they set. For example, we had budgets for clothing each year starting as early as we could understand it (7? 8?), and there was a process for buying clothes each season where we could choose to go with A or B, understanding relative price and tradeoffs and limits. We didn't get all the details when we were little, but we always got the idea of choices and tradeoffs. And we never expected to have new clothes randomly just because we asked or because others had something.

Also, my parents were quite open with us about their decision-making process for their purchases and tradeoffs, too. Again, it's all about modeling for your kids. We learned to be smart about money, to delay gratification, and to appreciate the value of what we had because they did.

[Anonymous]

I have friends from Louisiana and Alabama. They enjoy many wonderful aspects of their cultures and share it with their kids. From gumbo to craw fish boils to visits back home, cheering for their university football teams, teaching their kids the fight song.... music, artists, books. They embrace their culture but I don't think they are the kind of people who will hide the painful truths of the past from their kids either, when the kids are old enough.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a very affluent world right outside NYC. I grew up in a world where self importance was the norm. We were better than everyone else. So was everyone else.

In my large family it was ever man for themselves.

We are all grown and each of us has problems. None of us have relationships with each other. My parents have one child they entrust with everthing ( the most narcisstic one).
Some have drug and/or alcohol problems. Everyone is insecure.


I have gotten some great help in my life and hope my children will grow up in a world that is better than mine. We don't have nearly as much money as I did growing up.

[Anonymous]

Sound like you are a casualty of priveledge.

One kid has nothing, pays her own way, has so many obstacles and succeeds, puts up with the people who stand in her way.

Someone else could not be more blessed and has endless trouble.

Other peoples lives are not what it seems, definitely not what they want you to think.

Materialism leaves a lot to be desired

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I can add much to what's been said already -- so many of these posts have been wise and thoughtful and kind -- makes me feel almost warm and fuzzy about the internet's capacity to bring people together. (This is saying a lot for me as I'm basically a Luddite.) But I do want to say that you are not alone in your concern. My husband grew up in a working class family in the Rust Belt. In the '70s, when the factory jobs dried up, his family had to take USDA cheese. On one of our first dates he talked about how it felt to go to college with kids from big suburban public high schools (like the one I attended) and private schools. He thought these kids were so much cooler, and even now, when they've been friends for years, he still sometimes feels that way. (This is despite his having gone to a fancy college and law school and becoming a partner in a big-name firm.)

None of this, however, has ever been an issue with our kids. Our son is 14 and our daughter is 8. They are very privileged kids, whose lives are so different from my husband's childhood. But it doesn't make a bit of difference. They admire his willingness to try new things -- to work your way up from that kind of background, you've got to be able to go outside your comfort zone. And, they love, as I do, his way of treating everyone with dignity and kindness no matter where they come from.

As for the things they'll be exposed to that you weren't, I agree with the poster who advised that you just be honest and admit you don't know much about whatever it is, but are willing to learn. (BTW, my husband startred skiing two years ago and it's been a blast for all of us!)

Like all parents, you're right to think about the lessons you want your child to learn about money and possessions. Again, several of the PPs have given great advice along these lines. Basically, it boils down to teaching your kids to have an attitude of gratitude and to be generous, whether times are fat or lean.

Finally, share your roots with your kids. I'd just slightly tweak the advice others have given in one respect. Teens really want to know who their parents were when we were their age and how we handled all the challenges of growing up. My son has all the attitude and swagger of any 14 y.o. boy, but he loves to hear stories about our teen years, visit with extended family on both sides, and see where we lived and went to school. (We actually had a lot of laughs checking out my h.s. yearbook over our Christmas vist to my folks.)

I'll leave you with the advice a NYC taxi driver gave me when I was 9mos. pregnant with my oldest -- "Hey, is this your first? Knock yourself out!"