Should we live with my mother?

[Anonymous]

My stepfather recently abandoned my 65 year old mother and left her with nothing. She was able to find a low income apartment in Richmond and has been living there since last year. During all this drama my DH and I had a baby who is now 4 months old and goes to daycare 4x per week. My mother dislikes her apartment and has offered to contribute $30K of the lump sum pension she will receive next month towards a down payment in exchange for letting her live with us, ideally in an in-law suite. DH and I were planning to buy a house this year, so at first, this seems win-win situation. She won’t have to live alone and would love to take care of our child while we are at work. However, we are both having real reservations about letting my mother be part of our first time home purchase and daily lives. She’s still young, in good health and having her around would save us a ton of money, but do we want to live with her potentially for the rest of our lives?

Any advice from someone who has gone through something similar?

[Anonymous]

Did she express interest in watching your child? That's a big assumption to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she express interest in watching your child? That's a big assumption to make.

It's an even bigger assumption for you to make that OP would just expect childcare without discussing it. The context of the post makes it pretty clear that OP does have the option of her mom watching the kids.

[Anonymous]

If you can find a place with a self-contained suite, it could work. You'll need your privacy. I think this really depends on how DH would feel about your mom being around and "in your business." Your mom will know when you are fighting and when you are happy. If it was my mom, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If it was DH's mom, I'd rather poke needles in my eyes and die a slow death...

[Anonymous]

I think it would be a great solution - at least temporarily. You would save so much in child care that you could put that monthly amount into a savings account and when your child goes to K you could use the saved money to help you mom rent a place.

[Anonymous]

Can you swing the home purchase without the money from her? If so, you can have her live with you in return for providing child care without quite as much of the unending obligation to live with you that might go along with her having helped purchase the house.

Over time, as she gets over the divorce, rebuilds her life, makes new friends, etc-she may be happier moving out and getting her own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she express interest in watching your child? That's a big assumption to make.

Yes, she would LOVE to watch her everyday. She's been extremely helpful the past 4 months and is very good with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you swing the home purchase without the money from her? If so, you can have her live with you in return for providing child care without quite as much of the unending obligation to live with you that might go along with her having helped purchase the house.

Over time, as she gets over the divorce, rebuilds her life, makes new friends, etc-she may be happier moving out and getting her own place.

We can swing it, but the extra cash would certainly help with the down payment and/or with renovation costs.

[Anonymous]

I think I like the idea of her living with you all, but not with the 30k... What if it all turns sour? What's the backout plan? Will you have the 30k to give her? I would instead charge her rent or something. 30k also isn't much to live on, maybe 2 years rent?

[Anonymous]

Sounds ideal if you get along with her. I would have loved that arrangement myself.

[Anonymous]

We did this -- my divorced mom didn't give us money to buy a house, but she lost her job in another state and came to live with us and help with child care. It's been the best thing that's ever happened to all of us. She is thrilled being here and loves helping us much more than her previous job, we get much-needed help as two working parents and our kids love having her around. We support her financially, gladly. Hiring her kind of help would cost much more. However, my mom is a special person and I think her personality is what makes this work out so well. She is very agreeable and good-humored, doesn't ever criticize our parenting and carries out our wishes, while just being an amazing grandma and modeling patience and loving care that is great for all of us to see.

Also, in our case at least, I think having her help with a baby is one thing, but we sent our kids to full-day day care when they were a year old. I think caring for an active toddler would wear her out quickly. But just having her handle pick ups, drop offs, sick days and being an extra set of hands around the house is invaluable.

Also, I would be a little uncomfortable about having her help buy a house because then the situation would be permanent and we'd all be financially tied. I like to think if any one decides it's not working out any more as the years go by, she could go get an apartment nearby. I don't want to see that happen any time soon, and really expect if it ever did that it would probably be her choice and not ours. But I want her to have that freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did this -- my divorced mom didn't give us money to buy a house, but she lost her job in another state and came to live with us and help with child care. It's been the best thing that's ever happened to all of us. She is thrilled being here and loves helping us much more than her previous job, we get much-needed help as two working parents and our kids love having her around. We support her financially, gladly. Hiring her kind of help would cost much more. However, my mom is a special person and I think her personality is what makes this work out so well. She is very agreeable and good-humored, doesn't ever criticize our parenting and carries out our wishes, while just being an amazing grandma and modeling patience and loving care that is great for all of us to see.

Also, in our case at least, I think having her help with a baby is one thing, but we sent our kids to full-day day care when they were a year old. I think caring for an active toddler would wear her out quickly. But just having her handle pick ups, drop offs, sick days and being an extra set of hands around the house is invaluable.

Also, I would be a little uncomfortable about having her help buy a house because then the situation would be permanent and we'd all be financially tied. I like to think if any one decides it's not working out any more as the years go by, she could go get an apartment nearby. I don't want to see that happen any time soon, and really expect if it ever did that it would probably be her choice and not ours. But I want her to have that freedom.

what a nice story.

[Anonymous]

Do not comingle funds. Charge rent if you feel you must or she insists. If it works out after the first year, and everyone is happy with the arrangement, and you want/or she needs an ownership stake for some reason, talk about doing a refi and bringing her in. But only after a year.

Otherwise, I'd say yes and Im jealous that you have family to help with childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did this -- my divorced mom didn't give us money to buy a house, but she lost her job in another state and came to live with us and help with child care. It's been the best thing that's ever happened to all of us. She is thrilled being here and loves helping us much more than her previous job, we get much-needed help as two working parents and our kids love having her around. We support her financially, gladly. Hiring her kind of help would cost much more. However, my mom is a special person and I think her personality is what makes this work out so well. She is very agreeable and good-humored, doesn't ever criticize our parenting and carries out our wishes, while just being an amazing grandma and modeling patience and loving care that is great for all of us to see.

Also, in our case at least, I think having her help with a baby is one thing, but we sent our kids to full-day day care when they were a year old. I think caring for an active toddler would wear her out quickly. But just having her handle pick ups, drop offs, sick days and being an extra set of hands around the house is invaluable.

Also, I would be a little uncomfortable about having her help buy a house because then the situation would be permanent and we'd all be financially tied. I like to think if any one decides it's not working out any more as the years go by, she could go get an apartment nearby. I don't want to see that happen any time soon, and really expect if it ever did that it would probably be her choice and not ours. But I want her to have that freedom.

Thanks for this insight! You have a very good point about the money. I may just suggest she keep the $30k for herself and that would certainly ease some of the permanence of the situation. Plus she'll have somewhat of a cushion with if/when she decides to move out. Glad it is working so well for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can find a place with a self-contained suite, it could work. You'll need your privacy. I think this really depends on how DH would feel about your mom being around and "in your business." Your mom will know when you are fighting and when you are happy. If it was my mom, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If it was DH's mom, I'd rather poke needles in my eyes and die a slow death...

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