Would a geriatric social worker be the right professional for this? Need geriatric ombudsman
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Would like to hire someone to check up on my mother's well-being and to join me whenever I have to discuss important matters with her like getting the roof fixed or getting her tax stuff together. The dynamics with my mother have deteriorated as she has aged, had a good relationship prior. While taking a xanex might help me stay calm when she blames me/yells/brings up things from the past that I never knew upset her, I have my own family and do not have the emotional energy or time for dramas. I just want to make sure she is handling independent living and make sure things get done. If I cannot handle going to another doctor's appointment with her I could pay the social worker to accompany her.
My brother makes things worse/stirs the pot and manipulates. He is difficult by nature and has had trouble getting along his whole life, but he has become mom's golden child in the past few years. He does not live in the area and he only comes into town once or twice a year so I just need someone to call him and keep in informed and he can just unload and curse to this person who is paid to deal. Not looking for therapy. I understand and accept the situation is what it is, but I need a way to bypass the drama and make sure my mother is functioning. She is well behaved for strangers. I also need an outsider to tell me when she can no longer handle independent living because if it comes from me all hell will break loose. Suggestions? Where do I call to find this magical geriatric ombudsman? |
Anonymous
|
OP again-just wanted to give an example of the type of convos we have.
Me: "The roof is leaking. I will get estimates from these top companies for you and then you can decide who to use. I can choose if you prefer and then set up the appointment for repairs" Mom:"It's fine. You are exaggerating like you always do. You think you know more about these things than I do?" Me:"There is water in the kitchen. If a bad storm comes there will likely be further damage and you could get mold. This is not something to ignore." Mom: "Enough. I am old. You are going to make me ill with all this talk. I cannot take you talking to me like this. I am not a child. How dare you be so disrespectful. Stop upsetting me! Your brother doesn't give me this grief." Storm comes and damage is worse Mom: Why didn't you do something? Me: I told you there was an issue and you refused to allow me to do anything to help you. Mom: You didn't understand me. You always misinterpret things and you don't communicate well. I never said I didn't want to fix the roof. You are making things up." Me: tearing.hair.out while keeping a calm facade |
Anonymous
|
Oh wow! I wish I could offer advice but can only offer sympathy. i was expecting something else when I clicked on your post.
My parents are aging but have not reached the point yet where they are fighting me - it sounds a little like dementia. I think talking with a geriatric social worker is a good first start. They should be able to point you in the right direction. I guess it would be similar to what happens to an elderly person if they didn't have family to help them - who steps in? Do they go into an assisted living community or can you actually designate someone to manage her affairs - like a trustee. good luck. |
Anonymous
|
I don't have any recommendations, but I'd think you might be able to find a neutral third-party who could help. However your mother might be predisposed to resent any such person if it's someone she doesn't know and someone whom you picked... still, I'd start with your local or state council on the elderly and see if they can give you some ideas of how to proceed.
Fwiw, my relationship with an elderly parent never deteriorated like this but we initially struggled with our father over whether he should move out of his house or not, and over driving. He was very defensive. As his capabilities deteriorated, he actually became easier to deal with - because he started to realize that he did need help. In the end, it was a huge process, but he is so much happier now. I never would have believed it a few years ago. Hope you can find a positive way forward. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. Thanks for the responses. It gives me hope that one day she might be more compliant.
I think another reason I need a witness is I'm getting paranoid that I'm the one losing it (said half jokingly). I start to doubt myself. Maybe I didn't remember things right. Maybe I said this the wrong way. In my heart I know this is what she does, but I joked with my husband I need to bring a tape recorder and/or video recorder. It's amazing how she tries and tries to find a button that will work. The "I'm old. You are upsetting me and I'm going to get sick from you stressing me." really gets to me. Dammed if you do, dammed if don't. |
Anonymous
Ok, you are pretty patronizing here so I totally get that she would be annoyed. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is why I need an outside party. I can change the way I say things or use different words, but the dynamic doesn't change and my goal is simply to help while not neglecting my own family or my job. There are things that need to be done to keep her living independently and she adamantly refuses any other option except staying in her own home. I would chose a social worker who has plenty of experience and who would connect well with her. My goal is not to offend her, but if I tip toe around or say nothing there will be bigger problems. Taxes have to be done. The roof needs to be fixed. I could go on and on with issues that if I ignore they will get worse. |
Anonymous
|
How old is your mother? You might try calling Adult Protective Services and see what they recommend. The senior guide available at libraries may have ads for concierge services, and I am familiar with one-
www.tournesolservices.com |
Anonymous
|
APS won't assist. It is not self-neglect. She is just making her own choices, even if they are not the choices you would make. Yes, though you will probably have to get a private care manager or social worker. Check with Jewish services. They have excellent social workers in general and may lead you in the right direction even if you don't use them.
|
Anonymous
Thank you. This is helpful! Will look into it. She's in her late 70s. |
Anonymous
OP again. Just saw this. Helpful! I had no idea there were "private care managers." Will call Jewish social services. |
Anonymous
| OP, do some research on "aging in place." It seems to be on the rise. You might find some groups that offer services that could help your mother. Also for you, I've heard good things about Aging Network Services in Bethesda. http://www.agingnetworkservices.com |
Anonymous
Second this - great people! |
Anonymous
OP here-this looks like exactly what I need. Thank you. How fitting that they even have a book about coping with your difficult elderly parent. I clicked to find out more about the book and the first question is "Do you have a parent who blames you for everything that goes wrong?" Uh yes!!!...critical....yep!...negative? check. |
Anonymous
|
Geriatric care manager may be the more common term. No recs though, sorry.
Do you have POA? |