Dad here - worried for my mom's mental health

[Anonymous]

A Dad here writing this.... how do gently bring up the topic to my mom that I think she needs to seek some mental health care? Those words are kind of a door-closer.

She had a terrible, uncharacteristic outburst last week. She's always been so "up" and happy and content and outgoing. Lately I've seen more anxiety, and exhaustion that I know she hides. Or at least found out from a friend of hers that she had said "for weeks" that she feels "exhausted" but never told me. She's tired a lot, bad sleep habits, diabetes, weight issues. It was pure anger from her, no tears even. The day before, all was well with the world (on the surface). She also, I notice, has minor tremor in at least one hand. My own dad's hearing is getting worse at home, and she thinks he might be "drinking again" (how does one hide the smell of that, I wonder? what does she mean "thinks".)

She had been visiting about 2-3 days per week to help us with new twins that came in September, and really seemed to enjoy her time with us -- she said so! We were always thanking her and appreciative.

Suddenly "my wife has always hated her, her dreams of what being a grandparent are have been shattered, and she doesnt want to see my family for quite a long time." All precipitated when my wife adjusted one of our infants who was getting fussy while my mom hovered over her with a toy in her face. It was an over-the-top nuclear response I had never seen from her in my life.

I'm worried for her health, I'm not not even "angry" at her...how can I be? I feel like she is sick and needs help....

How do I even have that first conversation with her?

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

OP here again - one more thing occured to me...could my mom just have suppressed 10 years of not liking my wife and putting on a great act, and finally it burst and she is projecting all of this? If so she must be the best actor ever...

My first concern is for her mental health. And of course I know my first duty is to my own family and our own well being.

[Anonymous]

No. Your mom likes your wife just fine. It was just an outlet.

You approach it from "Mom, your outburst was very out of character for you. Also, it seems like you're super tired lately. Kate and I love you and are worried. What's going on with you? I know you've been helping us with the twins, but that doesn't mean you're a robot who doesn't sometimes need help too. Talk to me."

Don't bring up therapy. Let HER bring up her issues.

[Anonymous]

Has your mom had a recent physical or other visit to the doctor? If not, that's where I would start, since changes in behavior can be the sign of dementia and other physical problems. Point out the changes in behavior that you've noticed, stress that they are uncharacteristic of the loving mother you know, and ask if she's feeling okay. Suggest a visit with her regular doctor.

[Anonymous]

Be pragmatic here.

Telling your mother she needs mental help with probably only make the situation a hell of a lot worse.

You said your mom has been helping. Why not change that to just visiting? It sounds like she is exhausted. Tell her you are finally feeling stabilized and things have gotten easier and you want her to come over every week just to visit, have dinner, relax, play with the kids, but not to work.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to stop having your mom over 2-3 days a week to help with the babies. That's a lot of help for a long time. She might just be exhausted from it and not sure how to tell you that she's ready to be done.

I agree with the PP who suggested that you approach it from a place of concern for her well-being, that the outburst just wasn't like her, and could she tell you what's up?

With the various chronic health issues you mentioned, she very well could be having some kind of problem that manifested itself in that outburst of anger.

[Anonymous]

My mom freaked out when she came to visit right when my daughter was born. She accused dh and his parents of trying to wrest control of our kid and dh of sponging off of me. She was terrible.

I came to realize later that she had been anxious her whole life and had been hiding it and that changes like the birth of babies (especially when she is visiting and away from her home) were extremely stressful for her. I suspect, OP, that your mom has always been anxious and angry but has been hiding it from you. I call that the "evil twin" effect. You think everything is fine and then suddenly your mom's "evil twin" shows up and acts crazy.

You probably won't be able to get her to do anything about it but you can figure out how you can set limits with her so that it doesn't make you crazy. And then you have to learn acceptance. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Get her to the doctor ASAP. This could be poorly controlled diabetes. Lots of mental issues when blood sugar is chronically elevated, not to mention fatigue, and dehydration.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Appreciate the replies. Very good thoughts

I am willing to accept not managing expectations properly and extending her help too long. The confounding thing is, she was always saying "you don't let me do enough" and we were like "making dinner and keeping bottles full and occasionally being extra hands when needed is plenty...I know this is like 1/3 of a job but we really appreciate your help". At the same time as saying she wasn't doing enough, she was telling friends for weeks she was "exhausted". And last weekend after the storm we had, I drove her back home and cleared their drive so my dad could keep heart -healthy. She was saying how it takes 2 days to recover her strength after visits. I said "take a few weeks off. It'll be ok". But back here she was the next week, and....boom.

I had always said our plan was to transition to having a morning sitter help once the new girls were sleeping all night and things settled. Ironically they started sleeping 8 hours just 2 nights ago, and I was able to find that AM sitter the day she snapped. Week late I guess...

[Anonymous]

Even something as simple and fixable as iron deficiency anemia can cause a person to feel more and more exhausted and overwhelming exhaustion can make a person feel grumpy. I hope everything is OK and things get back to normal with grandma just being grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her to the doctor ASAP. This could be poorly controlled diabetes. Lots of mental issues when blood sugar is chronically elevated, not to mention fatigue, and dehydration.

Or the reverse. Maybe she had a low blood sugar and just acted bizarre. This happens with my DH when his BS gets low and with stress it can hit you out of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Clearly she needs a medical checkup and a very thorough one. Honestly I don't even think you need to bring up mental health. I think this is probably a physical health issue. Like a mini stroke or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Appreciate the replies. Very good thoughts

I am willing to accept not managing expectations properly and extending her help too long. The confounding thing is, she was always saying "you don't let me do enough" and we were like "making dinner and keeping bottles full and occasionally being extra hands when needed is plenty...I know this is like 1/3 of a job but we really appreciate your help". At the same time as saying she wasn't doing enough, she was telling friends for weeks she was "exhausted". And last weekend after the storm we had, I drove her back home and cleared their drive so my dad could keep heart -healthy. She was saying how it takes 2 days to recover her strength after visits. I said "take a few weeks off. It'll be ok". But back here she was the next week, and....boom.

I had always said our plan was to transition to having a morning sitter help once the new girls were sleeping all night and things settled. Ironically they started sleeping 8 hours just 2 nights ago, and I was able to find that AM sitter the day she snapped. Week late I guess...

I agree with the medical check up and all of that - for sure you should be assessing for signs of dementia or other mental health issues. But I will throw another idea out there - it sounds like she has been very good helper (and is also perhaps very identified w/ the role of being a "good helper"), showing up, containing her anxieties for the most part - which can take energy, let's be honest. So a small trigger like this incident . It almost seems like her outburst was akin to that of a parent - there are times you just freak out and crumble a bit because you are so exhausted, and/or under deadline at work, and/or your spouse is yelling at you while you're putting the kids to bed, and/or your kid just hit you, etc etc. And with twins, she almost might be like a third parent and any twin family I've known has had some help - either from family or paid help, and they have still been under a fair amount of stress.

We all have moments like that when we're not at our best. So there is probably a way that your mom is concerned that she is being a good grandparent in the way that most of us are concerned about being good parents. And even if you guys are giving her all the right cues, she may still be stressed out about meeting expectations, in addition to being tired and possibly overwhelmed. I think when she says stuff like it is taking her two days to recover her strength after visits, you absolutely need to dial it back for her and hold her to it - perhaps this will be easier now that you have a sitter. I'm not clear about who is caring for the twins in the afternoon - maybe one of you is home w/ them - but if it's your mom, I would reconsider. Or make it one afternoon a week, don't have her make dinner. I also have a "helper" MIL and she just about drove herself nuts cooking up a storm. I had to repeatedly set boundaries and basically kick her out of the house because she absolutely would have stayed up all night to help us - and at her age (early seventies, though still very healthy and active), it just was not sustainable - heck, it was barely sustainable for me at 33!

[Anonymous]

Are you close with your Dad? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Please take her to the doctor. My mother had anxiety plus poorly controlled diabetes and started talking the way your mom does. She had a breakdown so bad the police had to forcibly take her to the emergency room. She just stopped listening to us entirely. Now she's on anti anxiety meds and has her diabetes under control, and is better than ever.