Dad here - worried for my mom's mental health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom freaked out when she came to visit right when my daughter was born. She accused dh and his parents of trying to wrest control of our kid and dh of sponging off of me. She was terrible.

I came to realize later that she had been anxious her whole life and had been hiding it and that changes like the birth of babies (especially when she is visiting and away from her home) were extremely stressful for her. I suspect, OP, that your mom has always been anxious and angry but has been hiding it from you. I call that the "evil twin" effect. You think everything is fine and then suddenly your mom's "evil twin" shows up and acts crazy.

You probably won't be able to get her to do anything about it but you can figure out how you can set limits with her so that it doesn't make you crazy. And then you have to learn acceptance. Good luck!

I'm sorry to hijack but holy crap, are you my sister?? This is exactly what my mom does. She is happy and energetic and insists on helping with everything, until she reaches a point where she is just done, and then the switch flips and she becomes truly vicious. Usually it happens around dinner time on day 2 of a visit, when she is tired, hungry, and had her fill of toddler drama. I grew up with it so I can tell exactly when she is about to lose it, but it's impossible to switch the course. I have been trying to shift her visits to more of a guest dynamic rather than expecting her help, but this seems to be causing more tension, I think because she thrives on feeling needed. My older kid is almost 4 and adores her grandma, but she has seen my mom explode (not at her, at least not yet) and it is confusing and upsetting for her. I've asked my mom to try to contain it in front of the kids, but when the time comes she literally can't control it. In a perfect world my mom could come over for a few hours and go home, but she lives 4 hours away so that's just not possible. For many reasons, I think my mom's issues stem from severe anxiety, but she hates medication and sees no benefit to therapy. PP, I would love up hear a bit more about how you set boundaries with your mom and her "evil twin." This is really starting to take a toll on my relationship with my mom. She's always been my best friend but at this point I find myself dreading her visits.

[Anonymous]

OP here again.
Someone asked about this, what I wasn't clear on is that My wife is home with the twins during the day. Stopped her preschool teaching at end of last school year and just planned to be out open ended with the little ones. And she has been really into doing as much as she can because she knows (her words) that she won't have an extra person home with her indefinitely. Our older daughter is in 1st grade, so having this helper come in the AM for an hour and a half helps with "crunch time" and then wife is really comfortable managing during the day. She's got their cues and has them on sort of a schedule (for now!....we know how that goes). I feel crazy saying this, but this seems a less stressful time for us personally than when our singleton was born almost 7 years ago.

I hadn't really thought about the diabetes thing too much. She always sounds like "it's fine it's under control". Then she shows up here sometimes having forgotten her test kit. Something may be up there...

I can talk with my dad very well. What I don't know is if he sees the same set of physical and mental concerns, or if he's even wiling to mention if he does

[Anonymous]

Don't tell her you think she has mental health issues. She won't take it well.

Say instead "Mom, I am worried about you. You seemed really exhausted and not feeling well when I saw you. Are you okay? Have you been to the doctor? Can I take you to the doctor?" If you go to the doctor with her, you can tell the doctor that she has seemed exhausted and emotionally fragile.