when DH and your parents are such different people

[Anonymous]

So different, to the point where I sense they don't even like each other much. It's not that they fight a lot, it's that my parents tend to be drawn to people just like themselves- from the same backgrounds, very ethnic, gregarious, pushy, everything's an emergency, bare-your-soul-to-all sort of people. They come from the same east coast type of neighborhoods where everyone went to the same Catholic school, knew everyone's business, went to the same high schools, married people from around the block. My DH, though, is a more laid-back Pacific coast guy when doesn't share everything about himself upfront and prefers hiking on a Sunday to sitting around with the in-laws griping about politics. Even after knowing him for several years, my mother still says she feels like she doesn't "KNOW" my DH-- as in, he won't call her mom, he doesn't confide in her, and he doesn't sit with my father watching the news or football with him on weekends and complain about work. DH, I think, could really care less if he even sees them. His parents are hands off, also laid back people who mind their own business and could care less what I call them. The reason I have some concern about this situation is because lately whenever we see my parents, he and them end up in a tiff, usually started when my mom gets too nosy and demanding. I tell her to back off but her answer is, you're MY daughter and he's MY son-in-law-- of course I want to know these things, or of course I have something to say because my grandchild is involved in your choices and he's my #1 priority! I've been toying with the idea of visiting them with GC without DH but I just feel like that's a bad pattern to start. Thoughts? I'm not asking him to love them and frankly, one of the things I love about DH is his personality and "take life as it comes, don't look for problems" way of living, but I just don't want to spend every visit waiting for a verbal scuffle to erupt that ends with my mother declaring "but we care about you!!" or some other emotionally-laden statement caused by DH asking her to back off.

[Anonymous]

A few things:

1) If DH is asking her to back off, I hope you back him up. It sounds like you're a bit overdue to have a conversation one on one with your parents in which you tell them that you love your DH, that his sense of a good relationship with parents are is different from theirs, and that they need to back off and respect it. Let them know that continued pushiness is only going to hurt their relationship with him and therefore their relationship with you and their grandchild. Remind them that their way of being in the world is not the only way.

2) Visit a little less overall, and share a little less, especially if you know it's likely an issue to lead to a scuffle.

3) Visit some without DH. If he has things he'd rather be doing, let him! Don't let it come at the expense of family time (nuclear family time), but bring it up and see what he says. If he has to go a lot less, it might be easier to handle--and, as part of this deal, ask him to make the effort to rally a bit more, if the total time he spends with your parents is less.

Obviously, this all needs to be worked out with DH, but I think there are definitely adjustments that can me made to make the situation better.

[Anonymous]

They don't have to like each other if they don't want to, you know, but they do need to be respectful.

My parents hate my DH. My mother has insulted him to his face and said awful things behind his back. Part of it is that they have such different MOs. My parents are methodical and completely uninterested in anything beyond their little word. My DH is disorganized (as in, ADHD-disorganized) and well-informed on many subjects. They don't vote for the same party.

Anyway. All I expect is good manners when they come into contact, and I am ready to tell my mother off if she crosses boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I think your mom is being pushy with him. He clearly has a personality type that doesn't want to open up and share every detail. She should respect that. Kinda sounds like if your mom did give hime that respect and space, there wouldn't be such an issue? She seems a bit like a helicopter and overbearing. She doesn't need to be involved in the details of raising your children if you and your DH are capable and competent of doing that yourselves.
My mom and MIL both have a belief that any information they want to know is something they have every right to know and its appalling and rude and you must be lying about something if you don't share it with them. Just because they want to know something doesn't mean I have an obligation to share it with them.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with the PPs, especially 13:22. I was in a similar position except it was me and my ILs. My DH couldn't understand why I couldn't be 'closer' to them. It wasn't enough that I was respectful and made sure we did all the family things. DH wanted me to call his mother, go shopping or go out for coffee. Totally not my thing! I really don't like chatting on the phone, I don't like shopping (at least in this country - give me a bazaar or suk and I'm totally there) and I'm not a coffee drinker! I like a good cocktail but ILs are teetotalers. We actually had to go to counseling over it because it became such an issue in our relationship.

While things got better over the years, I never felt I could relax around my ILs and never felt I could allow myself to become close. They always felt intrusive. They're both dead now and while I'm really sorry my kids don't have them (they were fabulous grandparents), I don't miss them and the drama at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So different, to the point where I sense they don't even like each other much. It's not that they fight a lot, it's that my parents tend to be drawn to people just like themselves- from the same backgrounds, very ethnic, gregarious, pushy, everything's an emergency, bare-your-soul-to-all sort of people. They come from the same east coast type of neighborhoods where everyone went to the same Catholic school, knew everyone's business, went to the same high schools, married people from around the block. My DH, though, is a more laid-back Pacific coast guy when doesn't share everything about himself upfront and prefers hiking on a Sunday to sitting around with the in-laws griping about politics. Even after knowing him for several years, my mother still says she feels like she doesn't "KNOW" my DH-- as in, he won't call her mom, he doesn't confide in her, and he doesn't sit with my father watching the news or football with him on weekends and complain about work. DH, I think, could really care less if he even sees them. His parents are hands off, also laid back people who mind their own business and could care less what I call them. The reason I have some concern about this situation is because lately whenever we see my parents, he and them end up in a tiff, usually started when my mom gets too nosy and demanding. I tell her to back off but her answer is, you're MY daughter and he's MY son-in-law-- of course I want to know these things, or of course I have something to say because my grandchild is involved in your choices and he's my #1 priority! I've been toying with the idea of visiting them with GC without DH but I just feel like that's a bad pattern to start. Thoughts? I'm not asking him to love them and frankly, one of the things I love about DH is his personality and "take life as it comes, don't look for problems" way of living, but I just don't want to spend every visit waiting for a verbal scuffle to erupt that ends with my mother declaring "but we care about you!!" or some other emotionally-laden statement caused by DH asking her to back off.

This is all such a red flag. Your mother sounds ridiculously possessive AND she's insinuating herself into decisions that she doesn't and shouldn't have a say in. She doesn't get to make decisions about her grandchild, or about you, so her "need to know" level is so much lower than she expects it is.

Back up your husband. He does not need to meet your mothers expectations for closesness or info sharing. And if she doesn't back off, be fair to your husband and see her WAY less. Anyone that is so aggressive with your husband isn't deserving of the "reward" of you and the grandchild.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your parents are in the wrong here. They need to accept that he's more reserved than they are, and that that is not a slight against him.

[Anonymous]

Catholic and very ethnic

Irish?
Italian?

If it's the latter, you're doomed. Trust me; I married a WASP.

Anonymous wrote:So different, to the point where I sense they don't even like each other much. It's not that they fight a lot, it's that my parents tend to be drawn to people just like themselves- from the same backgrounds, very ethnic, gregarious, pushy, everything's an emergency, bare-your-soul-to-all sort of people. They come from the same east coast type of neighborhoods where everyone went to the same Catholic school, knew everyone's business, went to the same high schools, married people from around the block. My DH, though, is a more laid-back Pacific coast guy when doesn't share everything about himself upfront and prefers hiking on a Sunday to sitting around with the in-laws griping about politics. Even after knowing him for several years, my mother still says she feels like she doesn't "KNOW" my DH-- as in, he won't call her mom, he doesn't confide in her, and he doesn't sit with my father watching the news or football with him on weekends and complain about work. DH, I think, could really care less if he even sees them. His parents are hands off, also laid back people who mind their own business and could care less what I call them. The reason I have some concern about this situation is because lately whenever we see my parents, he and them end up in a tiff, usually started when my mom gets too nosy and demanding. I tell her to back off but her answer is, you're MY daughter and he's MY son-in-law-- of course I want to know these things, or of course I have something to say because my grandchild is involved in your choices and he's my #1 priority! I've been toying with the idea of visiting them with GC without DH but I just feel like that's a bad pattern to start. Thoughts? I'm not asking him to love them and frankly, one of the things I love about DH is his personality and "take life as it comes, don't look for problems" way of living, but I just don't want to spend every visit waiting for a verbal scuffle to erupt that ends with my mother declaring "but we care about you!!" or some other emotionally-laden statement caused by DH asking her to back off.

[Anonymous]

Definitely visit without him as often as possible. My MIL lives 45 minutes away. We could see her every weekend if I planned for us to do so. She is a nosy, needy, irresponsible pain in the ass. I simply don't make plans to see her unless it is a holiday and I can't get around it. My husband is welcome to go see her or make plans with her whenever he likes and he rarely does, so that's on him. I am all in favor of the separate visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom is being pushy with him. He clearly has a personality type that doesn't want to open up and share every detail. She should respect that. Kinda sounds like if your mom did give hime that respect and space, there wouldn't be such an issue? She seems a bit like a helicopter and overbearing. She doesn't need to be involved in the details of raising your children if you and your DH are capable and competent of doing that yourselves.
My mom and MIL both have a belief that any information they want to know is something they have every right to know and its appalling and rude and you must be lying about something if you don't share it with them. Just because they want to know something doesn't mean I have an obligation to share it with them.

+1

I am your DH, OP, and my MIL is like your mom. Push push push. After 20 years of this, I am now at a place where I just avoid her for the most part. The alternative is to feel assaulted routinely and I will not accept that.

Back up your DH. Tell your mother to back off.

[Anonymous]

Have a sit down with your parents (ie your mom) and tell her if she wants to continue to be pushy, nosey, etc, she will lose the relationship completely with your DH>

[Anonymous]

so your mother is nosy and wants to get into your business with your husband?

Next time it happens say "guess what mama! Hubby just bought me a great new present, a gigantic 12 inch DILDO! Now we use it all the time and it gives me wonderful anal orgasms!!!"

She'll shut the hell up and never ask anything about your private lives again.