Divorced Parents, how do you answer your kids' question about your marriage/spouse?

[Anonymous]

Ex and I are on good terms, I know he speaks very highly of me to her and I speak highly of him. We also speak kindly of our past and present relationship. Our child seems very at ease with this. My friends in less amicable situations avoid the topic of the ex or talk poorly. It's good to be honest but maybe neutrality is best?

[Anonymous]

I don't know, it sounds like you guys are probably going to end up with kids who aren't as afraid of commitment, marriage, etc. I have two friends who grew up with divorced parents in as you say "less amicable situations" and both have huge issues with commitment.

[Anonymous]

I would never, ever say negative things about my ex to our daughter. Even if I thought negative things, which I don't, I wouldn't voice them to DD. I want her to have a positive relationship with him. If I have negative things to say, I talk to a close friend or bring the concerns to him directly.

That said, she hasn't asked any questions, because she is 4. Sometimes I ask her questions like "Do you remember when we lived at X house?" and she will say "Yes, with you and Daddy?" and I will agree and then reaffirm that now I live at my house and he lives at his house and she gets to live at both houses.

[Anonymous]

I am going through an awful divorce. DH has done some despicable things, but I try to keep it all neutral or positive in front of my son. What good could come from him hating his dad or blaming him for everything. In the long run, it would hurt my son. I also don't really want my son to know all that happened because I don't want him to think that any of that behavior is acceptable or normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through an awful divorce. DH has done some despicable things, but I try to keep it all neutral or positive in front of my son. What good could come from him hating his dad or blaming him for everything. In the long run, it would hurt my son. I also don't really want my son to know all that happened because I don't want him to think that any of that behavior is acceptable or normal.

My ex, when we were going through our divorce, said some really nasty things to our DD. I did too, admittedly. But when the divorced finalized and some time passed, we both changed our ways and are positive in what we say. The change has been very good for EVERYONE. I started with the kind words first. I think it touched my Ex. He followed suit. Big hug and good luck... be the change you want to see (in the world!) and your ex! I hope it gets better for you, it did for me and ours was terrible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through an awful divorce. DH has done some despicable things, but I try to keep it all neutral or positive in front of my son. What good could come from him hating his dad or blaming him for everything. In the long run, it would hurt my son. I also don't really want my son to know all that happened because I don't want him to think that any of that behavior is acceptable or normal.

Your young child is also not an appropriate place for you to vent your frustration with adult problems.

Your child does not need to know the nitty gritty of why you got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through an awful divorce. DH has done some despicable things, but I try to keep it all neutral or positive in front of my son. What good could come from him hating his dad or blaming him for everything. In the long run, it would hurt my son. I also don't really want my son to know all that happened because I don't want him to think that any of that behavior is acceptable or normal.

My ex, when we were going through our divorce, said some really nasty things to our DD. I did too, admittedly. But when the divorced finalized and some time passed, we both changed our ways and are positive in what we say. The change has been very good for EVERYONE. I started with the kind words first. I think it touched my Ex. He followed suit. Big hug and good luck... be the change you want to see (in the world!) and your ex! I hope it gets better for you, it did for me and ours was terrible!

Thanks!! I do get tired of being the bigger person -- but when I keep my son first and foremost in my thoughts, it is much easier. I do think that it will get easier after the divorce and settlement are finalized. No matter how you start off, divorce is an acrimonious process.

[Anonymous]

Civility is spot-on, and there's a lot of good feedback above.

Although my ex and I are on good terms, I admit, I've slipped on occasion over the years. And when I do, I apologize to my DC. If you can't say anything nice, neutrality is definitely the way to go.

My kid is now twelve, and understands that people and relationships are multifaceted. E.g., I respect and like (no, really) his dad, but we did not belong in a marriage together.

[Anonymous]

Be truthful but vague. "We had trouble getting along" and "it's not healthy to be in a marriage or be a child in a marriage where people are arguing all the time". "Marriage is very hard". Tell the child as little as possible that is negative. Read the Sandcastles Book on Divorce for more tips.

[Anonymous]

My child witnessed my ex assaulting me, so when the topic comes up I gently talk about that day. I know that it is not as easy to pin point for other people. There should be an age appropriate way of sharing that the separation was best for the parents.