Punishment and potty training

[Anonymous]

I have come to the conclusion that DS simply does not want to be bothered when it comes to potty training. We have been working on this for more than a year. He is four and a half with a dx of dev delays. He is in underwear but he doesn't seem bothered when he soils himself. Candy bribes work a bit but I'm at the point where I feel ready to start punishing because I simply can't deal with it any longer.

With pee, I consider him about 80% trained in that he doesn't have many accidents but we are constantly reminding and forcing him to go. Most of the time you ask him if he has to go he says no even if it has been hours. I can't relax at all--the clock since the last pee is constantly ticking. Only once in a while will he initiate himself.

Poop is the big problem in that he makes absolutely no effort to use the toilet. He is not on a regular schedule and having him sit on the potty after dinner does not work. We keep track of when he's gone last and just try to be proactive. Once in a while we get the timing right, get him to poop in the toilet, reward with praise and candy and everybody's happy but nothing seems to work to convince him to initiate himself. He is not constipated and he can tell when he needs to go and can push. I now think that he is outright lying when he denies having to go (he did this today and then pooped in his pants 15 minutes later).

Everything I've read said you are not supposed to punish but praise isn't working and neither is talk of what big boys do. I'm thinking I'm going to start time-outs for accidents (which really aren't). I would appreciate hearing other strategies if you trained a particularly resistant kid.

[Anonymous]

Why is he not on a regular schedule? Given that fact, why have you concluded that he can't be bothered?

Given his delays, why would you conclude he is ready?

This is all normal for a kid with developmental delays. He's not particularly resistant. There are "normal" kids on the GP board who are not trained at his age. You sound angry and frustrated. Okay. But punishing him? Do you really think that is going to help? C'mon.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but the more I think about this, the more angry I am. At you.

You have a special needs child. This is a special needs board. I have an eight year old in diapers. With no expectation of that changing.

You really need to get a grip. If I find out you are punishing your SN child for failing to toilet train, I will come after you, with every legal tool in the book. SPS, the police, everything. You suck.

[Anonymous]

You need some parenting help, OP. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the disability, if being toilet trained is an appropriate developmental expectation, I might look at consequences rather than punishment. Poop in your pants? Clean it up, clean yourself, change and put dirty clothes on to wash. Wet when we are at the playground? We go home and change, we don't bring a change of clothes to facilitate.

I'm amazed at how well my kid has done with this approach. Bladder of steel sometimes, but minimal accidents.

[Anonymous]

Do ypu homestly think your kid likes soiling himself? Probably not. Either he doesnt recognize the about-to-poop feeling or he has so little impulse control/executive function that he hasnt connected ignoring the urge to pooping his pants. Whichever it is, adding punishment is not going to help.

[Anonymous]

Please don't punish. Put him on a regular schedule--not obsessively either, but at normal times, like after each meal time for no longer than 5 minutes to help stimulate the elimination reflex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but the more I think about this, the more angry I am. At you.

You have a special needs child. This is a special needs board. I have an eight year old in diapers. With no expectation of that changing.

You really need to get a grip. If I find out you are punishing your SN child for failing to toilet train, I will come after you, with every legal tool in the book. SPS, the police, everything. You suck.

[Anonymous]

What does his doctor say? Does the doc think he is ready for potty training?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the disability, if being toilet trained is an appropriate developmental expectation, I might look at consequences rather than punishment. Poop in your pants? Clean it up, clean yourself, change and put dirty clothes on to wash. Wet when we are at the playground? We go home and change, we don't bring a change of clothes to facilitate.

I'm amazed at how well my kid has done with this approach. Bladder of steel sometimes, but minimal accidents.

This seems like a reasonable approach. No punishment, no candy bribes.

Do your pediatrician and other doctors/therapists/etc think that being toilet trained is an appropriate developmental expectation? What do they say?

[Anonymous]

Why isn't he on a regular schedule? Your child has developmental delays and will take longer to train. Having a regular potty schedule is a given. He obviously does not feel when he has to go and isn't soiling himself on purpose.

Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I was taking the "he isn't on a schedule" as he doesn't poop at predictable times. Some people do, and some people don't. When my kid was that age, you could set your watch by his poops. Me, not so much, even as an adult I generally find that I need to poop at very inopportune times. 1/2 way through a movie, in the middle of my commute to work. I don't think you can "put" someone on a pooping schedule. You can put them on a schedule for sitting on the potty or "trying" which is probably a good idea here, but it may not lead to more success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was taking the "he isn't on a schedule" as he doesn't poop at predictable times. Some people do, and some people don't. When my kid was that age, you could set your watch by his poops. Me, not so much, even as an adult I generally find that I need to poop at very inopportune times. 1/2 way through a movie, in the middle of my commute to work. I don't think you can "put" someone on a pooping schedule. You can put them on a schedule for sitting on the potty or "trying" which is probably a good idea here, but it may not lead to more success.

Putting them on a schedule for when to go sit on the potty is the tried and true method for difficult to potty trainers. The FIRST thing every developmental pediatricians, gastro, etc will recommend. If it does not work then other methods can be tried but not putting the kid on a schedule indicates a lazy parent more than anything else.

[Anonymous]

My SN needs son wasn't pee trained until about two weeks before his fourth birthday and he wasn't poop trained until about second grade. What did work was Miralax. I figured out how to use it to regulate his poops so he went at the same time everyday. I put the Miralax in milk so he had no idea he was taking it. It took quite awhile to get it right and when I finally did, his poop time was exactly in the middle of dinner. But, it worked. He was at home. I could tell by his behavior he was ready to go. Because of the Miralax, he could not hold it in when I put him on the toilet.

Maybe this isn't the right thing for you, but my point in telling you this is that there are lots of ways to poop train and maybe the one you're using just isn't right for your son.

[Anonymous]

You have to give it time. My son with developmental delays just independently learned at almost 5 and a half. We would proactively take him and read his body cues for when he had to poop. We took him out of diapers at 3 and just regularly took him. He also went to pep and did not use diapers but went on a schedule. He always could hold it for a long time but honestly believe he just didn't process his own body cues for when he had to go. My best advice to you is please do not punish it will not help!