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Career Priority Battles with Husband?
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Anonymous
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Oooooh I'm just so steamed. Is there anybody else out there who feels like they are constantly struggling with their DH over whose career to prioritize? Before children, we both had hot careers and put in a lot of odd hours, and got a lot of emotional (and financial) reward.
After 2 kids, my career has stalled, and his shot off. Of course, I had to take 2 maternity leaves (DH took 3 mos with DD, but timed it to be in between jobs), and be visibly pregnant to my boss twice, including all those doctors appts. And now, since his job pays significantly more, when schools out, or a kid is sick, guess who bears the brunt? Yes, it is best for our family if he succeeds at his job, but I am sick of coming in second. I did, once upon a time, have professional dreams too. I married a feminist man who promised me equality (and for 10 years pre kids he delivered), and now I feel like I live in the 1950's. Has anyone overcome this dilemma???? |
Anonymous
Stand up for yourself and your desires/goals in life. You didn't made them alone To the best interest of your family is having both parents standing in equal foot in the relationship, specially if you have daughters, to set the example.
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Anonymous
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We all make sacrifices for our families - yours comes in the form of "coming in second place" while his sacrifice is working at his job all day (don't you think he would much rather be at home with you and the kids???).
Don't look at it from being in "second place". Look at it from the stand point of being a quality mom - still hardworking in her own sense. The paycheck may not show it, but your hard work and long hours at motherhood will pay off. |
Anonymous
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OP's problem is quite common in my circle of professionally accomplished women.
I think part of the problem is that among highly successful men, having working wives is less common. Maybe DH needs a mentor in his company with a working wife? My dh who struggles with this too gave me a mug once with a woman jumping up and down with the saying "never give up!"--- good advice, I think. |
Anonymous
Huh? I doubt it. |
Anonymous
Actually, the person you quoted makes a good point. My DH has also taken the "lead" of being the breadwinner (similar to OP's situation). Sure, his paycheck is good and his career is going great, but if he could he would give it up in a heartbeat to be at home and not at his desk and dealing with work issues (and problematic projects). |
Anonymous
| This is a tough one. I wouldn't say either my husband or my career were ones with lots of overtime and travel etc. but I did feel in the beginning that I got the brunt of the sick days, drop off and pickup etc. especially because the daycare was at my job (even though DH worked 15 minutes away) and the kicker was at the time I made slightly more money! I remember asking him "doesn't anyone you work with have kids and wives that work?" Surely they would understand the need to take off for a sick child. I don't know if you want to have showdown but I basically had a showdown with my husband and said I needed to be a stay at home mom but since I didn't really want to stay at home full-time, I would need to work part-time, even if it just covered childcare. I was basically in tears - very upset because I felt my employer paid me to be at my job just like his employer paid him to be at his job and that if I had to be on call and take off at a moment's notice for sick children and their doctor appts etc. and basically put his career first, then it wasn't fair to my employer or to me to work full-time. That needed to be my job AND since I didn't want to stay at home with no help all the time I would at least need to do something so I could get a break. I mean I was pretty much ready to quit a six figure job to get a part-time job to make minimum wage to cover someone to come to the house and watch the children a few hours a week to be a mostly SAHM. Financially I don't think it made a lot of sense, nor did my husband really want to lose the dual income - it made a lot more sense for him to step it up. Since that breakdown a few years ago - it has been more of a partnership. We try to work sick days around our meetings and when we both can't afford to take a day off, we will split the day and each work half day. For the person that said the DH would prefer to stay home with the kids full-time rather than go into the office - don't be to sure about that. There was a possibility my DH could have gone to grad school full-time with his employer paying for it and him getting a salary and could have used that time to stay at home with the kids during the day and take classes in the evening for some of that time - and he pretty much admitted he didn't want to stay at home full-time with the kids. He loves the children but he also likes his job and would probably go crazy if he had to be in the house all day every day. Anyway, my DH is an incredible dad and husband. He took on more of the prep work with all the bottles and getting things ready for the kids for daycare as something he could do in the evening since I had to get the girls out in the morning. During the weekend when I was pregnant with my second daughter, he would take our oldest grocery shopping with him so I could have some time to myself. If I really have to work late to meet a deadline, he will take the girls to the mall and they go to McDonald's so it becomes their special tradition. Anyway, hopefully you and your husband can work out some sort of compromise maybe if you have to make up time from taking off for a sick day, he can do something on his own with the the kids if you have to work an evening or weekend. Or maybe there is more he can be doing during the evening and weekends to make things easier for you. With the vacation and sick time - maybe looking into camps for the vacation days and there are services where you can get someone to watch the kids in-home (both may cost some money) if there is absolutely no way he can help with his job. The other option is to make some sort of compromise where at a certain point he is willing to let you go after the career you want and/or he finds a career more family friendly. I am not sure how demanding your husband's job is but one of the things to talk about is how does he picture his family life fitting in with his job? When I got my MBA, to really use my degree I would have been looking at working at a consulting company and lots of travel. The other career I really wanted to try (pre-market slump) was real estate. When discussing either of those possibilities my DH was concerned because lots of travel wasn't kid friendly and real estate hours would not have worked well with his work schedule and being around evening and weekends with the kids. I respected his input and since it wasn't something we had to do to make ends meet, I was fine not having a hard charging career. Having him also being willing to make sacrifices for our family life made it an easier decision because I felt we were both working together to have a good work/life balance with kids. |
Anonymous
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dear PP
You have good stuff to say. Can you put in some paragraph breaks to help some of use read it?
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Anonymous
| Just another perspective....I am a single mom - no suport from STBXH...financial or in the way of pick-ups, drop-offs, doc appts., etc. It would be great to have someone to lean on financially or time wise. AND I was always the bread winner & still make double what he does. Just saying...there are worse things than having your husband be the breadwinner. |
Anonymous
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I think once kids enter the mix, your personal goals (and hubby's for that matter), take a back seat to what is best for the "family". If its best for the family that he succeed at his job, then don't hold it against him for doing so. You're not "coming in second". Either you planned to do it this way, or despite your best efforts it happened anyway. I don't think that's your fault. But I don't think its his fault either. it sounds like you're blaming him for suffering the standard repurcussions that occur in this world when you are a working mother. Life ain't fair honey... but its not his fault.
So his career has shot-off? Good for him. And good for your family. Its not his fault that he can't get pregnant and didn't have to take two maternity leaves-- that is both the blessing and the curse of being a woman. Ask yourself: Do you REALLY want him to sacrifice his career so that he can do "equal time" with the kids at their doctor's appointments? Does that really make financial sense for your family? Would you WANT him to quit his job and be a full-time stay at home Dad while you became the sole bread-winner? If what you really feel sad/angry about is your own lack of progression, and its that important to you, then consider hiring a nanny that will pick up the extra issues with the kids so you can focus on your career. That's not to say he should never have to go to a doctor's appointment. Hopefully there is some give and take here, but if he's having a slow day at work, he should do his job with the kids too. sorry you are so frustrated. |
Anonymous
I think that the answer to this question is not a simple yes, but rather an acknowledgement from OPs DH that her career is just as important as his, and that he needs to stop thinking about her work as less valuable than hers, and needs to work something out so that he can support her in reaching her career goals. OP - you need to talk this out with your DH. I think that husbands of professional wives don't really fully understand how they are falling into the traditional gender roles. Read the Feminine Mistake -- it's a fantastic book. |
Anonymous
Oh I understand. We had a blowup last year. We make the same money, are on pretty equal levels in terms of position (he had a career change, I stayed at home for about 3 yrs, so we both have our off track time). Now we split the days. He does the dentist, I do yearly physical. I stayed home day 1, he stayed home day 2 of ear infection, etc... Just right down the middle. He can't argue. Sick days are there for a reason. I also made it clear that he can choose his job over us, but we'll be gone. I'm not dealing with that bs. And with 2 daughters, I don't want them to see that women are the only ones who are supposed to take care of the family. Now if only I could get him to actually read pareting books instead of waiting for me to make suggestions on methods to use/ways to help through difficult stages with our dds. And if only I could get him to research schools and vacations and actually finding those great drs and doing all the shopping for holidays. Ugh |
Anonymous
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So many of these posts could be written by me!! (Especially that last one about parenting books, vacation research, school research.......I am currently trying to force by husband to do some of that and it is like pulling teeth. Actually alot harder than pulling teeth.)
Happy to see I am not alone. I have been struggling with this too. Recently, I feel like I have been getting ok with it because I made an important realization -- I don't want his life. I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. I don't want to work long hours. Even though sometimes it hurts my pride that I left a high paying fancy law firm job to be a lowly government lawyer, I know that the time I get with my kids as a result is worth it. My husband stuck it out at a law firm and will now make partner in a year or so. And I will still be a lowly government lawyer -- no promotions for me, cause I only work 4 days a week and I am constantly leaving early/coming late -- although they still like me, I don't think I will be promoted any time soon. Sometimes, I'm jealous of him, and I think -- hey wait -- what about my career? And about once a month I stand up for myself and insist that he take a sick day to do a dr appt, etc. To get him to do it I usually have to threaten to quit my job.
I recently read an article about a couple that both went to part time schedules and divide the child care 50-50. They both took big pay cuts, and acknowledge that neither will now get promoted in the near future. And I thought....hmmm....should we have done that? But it just doesn't seem to make sense financially -- isn't it better if one person still has lots of earning potential? And if one person has to stick it out at the big law firm, I guess, in the end, I'd rather it be him than me. |
Anonymous
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My dear and wonderful husband tended to "imagine" that his "world" should take precedence. I wanted to keep my job after child, choosing to part-time, 30 hrs. a week, because I like what I do and knew I'd be very unhappy being at home all day. Then my husband was laid off from his job buy thankfully he always planned for a rainy day. We've come to depend on my income, respecting my schedule and work committments, while he's beginning a new career path. He's a little more aware of what I do, for work and around the house, so it was a good thing that he had a wake up call.
It's all give and take-I'm at the office today and our son is playing next to me because he's studying. Our son had been sick before xmas and he was the one taking him to the dr. appts., so I didn't have to take time from work, and he knows my boss is very flexible with me. If you're bringing home some "bacon", then you have rights too 
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Anonymous
| PP here-I have many friends whose husbands don't spend enough time with their children, it's mostly the moms who spend quality time with the children, because the dads work all the time and long hours. Children need both their mothers and fathers. |