Career Priority Battles with Husband?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm surprised that at least the first batch of responses weren't more supportive. You have every right to resent the situation; the question is how to make it better. FWIW, I've come to think of parenting and careers as a sort of bargain between spouses; any arrangement can work OK so long as both partners are satisfied with their end of the bargain. For some people that means SAHMs; for others it means 2 careers and all kinds of different patterns of splitting sick days and handling general childcare.

In my case, the bargain has evolved every couple of years to take advantage of opportunities available to both of us - first I stayed home; then I went back to work in a job that had very inflexible hours and little vacation, so my husband picked up a ton of slack; then we both found our way to jobs that had reasonable flexibility; and now I'm expecting to have to handle a lot more of the burden as he may be taking a new job with much more intense hours/demands just as #2 arrives. I definitely do more than my share of sick days and such (as well as way more than my share around the house) but I also travel more, and in general I feel very lucky that we have found a balance that works for both of us. I'm dreading shifting from a 2-parent-1-kid dynamic every AM and PM to something that might look like 1-parent-2-kids a lot of the time.... but I know he would do (and to a lesser extent, did do) the same for me -- so I'm ready and willing to do it.

All I can suggest is that you really need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband, after figuring out first exactly what you need to enable your career to progress at a pace that feels right for you, and what the various options your family has for making that happen (e.g., husband does more; more hired help; lean more on local family; whatever.) Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Interesting discussion. I married someone much older and made way less money at first. After baby, I went back to work at my firm that was a total sweatshop and gutted out a number of more years because I was purportedly on a partnership track. During this time, we split child related stuff pretty equally. He stayed home while I was in court and then I would come home so he could go in. Then when I realized I had been on the partnership track for WAY too long with no movement no response to my inquiries I quit. I started my own firm and now work about a third less and make more money. Now that I have my own firm, I do FAR more of the dropping off, picking up, sick days, doctor appts etc. I also find that I really don't mind since I am the one who is in control of my own schedule now.

And in response to the PPs bemoaning their mates' research apathy. I am so with you. However, I make it work for me. I pick the schools, vacations, major purchases b/c I am the one who does the research. If he asks about "our choices" for any particular decision, I show him the research for my top 1 or 2 picks. If he was that concerned he would look into things himself. And with regard to the parenting specific research, we had a pretty big argument about differing approaches. I flat out told him that I had read x number of books, talked to scores of other parents, and had come to my conclusions. I asked him how he had come to his conclusions about his parenting approaches. Silence. At which point I told him that he would now be following my approach unless or until he had a solid rationale for acting the way he was acting. When he told me that this was the way that his father had parented, I told him that I would then be changing my parenting approach to parent the way my mother had. (Poorly) Silence. I told him pretty candidly that I had no problem being the bookworm, but if I did the research, we were following the advice that I think is best and that if he wanted to follow a different approach, he could take over the reading and research.

Now, when we hit something difficult, he asks me if I have read anything that might help immediately. He also talks a lot to the older women in his office about parenting stuff and actually came up with a remedy for a health problem our daughter was having that was NOWHERE in any of my research. It saved my daughter an expensive and unpleasant diagnostic test as a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oooooh I'm just so steamed. Is there anybody else out there who feels like they are constantly struggling with their DH over whose career to prioritize? Before children, we both had hot careers and put in a lot of odd hours, and got a lot of emotional (and financial) reward.

After 2 kids, my career has stalled, and his shot off. Of course, I had to take 2 maternity leaves (DH took 3 mos with DD, but timed it to be in between jobs), and be visibly pregnant to my boss twice, including all those doctors appts. And now, since his job pays significantly more, when schools out, or a kid is sick, guess who bears the brunt?

Yes, it is best for our family if he succeeds at his job, but I am sick of coming in second. I did, once upon a time, have professional dreams too. I married a feminist man who promised me equality (and for 10 years pre kids he delivered), and now I feel like I live in the 1950's.

Has anyone overcome this dilemma????

OP, I understand your frustration. However, be careful what you wish for.

I was in the exact situation, only my career was hotter. But we had a child with physical problems, so I quit to take care of DC, and ended up working only part time on a much lower-level career track. My DH is a feminist, and very supportive, but because he was the principal breadwinner, his career took precedence.

After a short time, DH started to take a complete disinterest in anything to do with the household and kids, other than playing with them and having fun. Like other PPs, I did all the research for schools, camps, treatments for our ill child, all household purchases, large and small, pretty much everything. DH had only to come home, do a little cooking (and isn't that the only fun household job?), play with the kids, and put them and himself to bed. He put zero thought into what they ate, wore, slept in or on, whether they had toothbrushes, or dentist appointments, anything. Never took off a single day for a sick child (I had a part-time job, so I had flexibility, but I could have used the emotional support).

Finally, I put my foot down and said he had to participate, had to cut back his hours, else I would walk. And I meant it, so he did change, started (grudgingly) doing research, scanning a few books, at least making an effort), working more hours at home, and cutting back at work. The agreement was that I would then be able to find a better, more demanding job.

Guess what? His boss noticed, and he got a so-so performance review and no bonus this year, despite exceeding all his metrics. Yes, his company is getting shaky, and now DH is worried about getting laid off. So he's back to his old work hours, and we never see him anymore.

My point is that balance is difficult to find. Were DH (and I) in a less challenging career (teaching, maybe?), he'd make less money, but he'd be home a lot more.

We are trying to figure out how to find that balance, as I'm sick and tired of being in a go-nowhere job, underpaid, underemployed. The upside of this is that now DH wants to work fewer hours (he found he likes being with our kids, duh) and is thinking about a career change. But if he lost his job, we'd be in a cold water flat on my paycheck, so we realize he has to put in all those hours at the office until he finds a less demanding job.

Not sure if this helps at all, but I do understand what it feels like to have your career take a back seat simply because you are the one with a uterus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another perspective....I am a single mom - no suport from STBXH...financial or in the way of pick-ups, drop-offs, doc appts., etc. It would be great to have someone to lean on financially or time wise. AND I was always the bread winner & still make double what he does. Just saying...there are worse things than having your husband be the breadwinner.

I am also a single parent and was just going to write something similar.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one here who prefers and chooses to do the sick and doctor visits? When my child is sick, I like to be the one that waits on him, rubs his back, and makes him chicken soup. Work melts away....I know one day he won't want his mamma at his side anymore and I will have all the time in the world at the office.

I always feel like there is this clock looming over my head that is ticking the time with my son away. Sure, I like my job and could not be a SAHM (I'd go completly dull and nuts) however, I do enjoy doing conducting the day to day operations of child rearing. Work has no bearing on that, as they take a back seat, every since I became a mom, I viewed work as a hobby, I just don't ever let it get to me. Life is too short-really. Kids just aren't young for long enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think once kids enter the mix, your personal goals (and hubby's for that matter), take a back seat to what is best for the "family". If its best for the family that he succeed at his job, then don't hold it against him for doing so. You're not "coming in second". Either you planned to do it this way, or despite your best efforts it happened anyway. I don't think that's your fault. But I don't think its his fault either. it sounds like you're blaming him for suffering the standard repurcussions that occur in this world when you are a working mother. Life ain't fair honey... but its not his fault.

I'm all for people dividing the work of raising a family whatever way works best for them but personally I don't think having one person all consumed in a career outside the home and one person all consumed with family matters is good for children. Kids need both their parents more than they need some of the extras that the one hard-charging high-paid spouse can pay for. (And I know, not everyone is a high-paid careerist but a fair number of the folks on these boards are in those kinds of marriages.)

I know that the US economic system is not organized to accommodate and/or reward parents who share household duties but that doesn't mean that it is best for our families that we all change to suit the economy. The economy is not like the weather -- it doesn't occur naturally and we just have to cope with it as best we can. (Then again with global warming I guess the weather doesn't occur "naturally" either, but I digress.)

I know people will disagree but I think it's better for the kids to have both parents engaged in running the family and if that means neither one gets to have the ultimate career, so be it.

[Anonymous]

I understand the arguement that it is best if both parents are equally parenting (AKA day to day operations) however, only personally, I grew up with a bread winner father who left all of the heavy lifting up to my mom. He was a 7to7 guy and never shared in the domestic duties. Not because he refused, but his job was to earn the bacon and he worked really hard to provide (mom did work, but part -time as a nurse). I have a wonderful relationship with my dad and have great memories of playing games with him, him reading me stories, and coaching our sports teams. However, I do not remember him folding laundry or driving us here and there.

I think this issue is a husband and wife problem, and I don't think the children's mental health is at steak, unless the dad is emotionally unavailable to them. That's another topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the arguement that it is best if both parents are equally parenting (AKA day to day operations) however, only personally, I grew up with a bread winner father who left all of the heavy lifting up to my mom. He was a 7to7 guy and never shared in the domestic duties. Not because he refused, but his job was to earn the bacon and he worked really hard to provide (mom did work, but part -time as a nurse). I have a wonderful relationship with my dad and have great memories of playing games with him, him reading me stories, and coaching our sports teams. However, I do not remember him folding laundry or driving us here and there.

I think this issue is a husband and wife problem, and I don't think the children's mental health is at steak, unless the dad is emotionally unavailable to them. That's another topic.

11:20 here -- I hear ya, pp, but you've made my point. Your mom worked part-time. She wasn't a full-time SAHM and your dad did childcare and was involved with your sports teams. That may not be a 50-50 split but it's more egalitarian than what some people describe on DCUM.

Also, I'm not suggesting that an egalitarian split of household and family work is the key to the perfect family. I imagine that there are families where it's split equally and where nevertheless relationships are quite dysfunctional and vice-versa. I just think that in general it's better to have both parents involved in the family. And, who knows, maybe your relationship with your parents would have been even better if it had been split 50-50.

Or not. My parents were from a generation and a class background where it would have been quite out of the ordinary for women even to work part-time but I doubt my relationship with them would have been better if mom had worked outside the home because the overall dysfunctionality was so high. We would have been screwed up regardless.

At any rate, my point was that I think it's good on the whole that these things are shared -- not that people can't have perfectly good lives if they are not.

[Anonymous]

PP I do get your point, but I think this is more of a marriage question. How does OP get the marriage she wants, where her uterus and the full-time plus economy don't conspire to force her into the backseat while DH looks on.

I think another PP hit it on the head when she said the economy is not like the weather. We are all building this unjust work-life balance situation.

I know it may sound doe-eyed, but I hope all of us who have professional power, or who are married to folks with professional power, will change the workplace so all dads (or moms) can at least sometimes take the sick day or leave early to get to the game without fear of losing the job or bonus.

I know at my law firm it made a big difference to some when men got offered equal parental leave to women. But most of the men still don't take it (and all of the women do).