Family visiting during the week

[Anonymous]

We're still new to living out of town from friends and relatives. I'm on maternity leave. IL's want to come visit during the week. DH works, DS is in preschool, and I have a schedule of moms groups with my 2 month old and playgroups with my 3 year old when he's not in school. I get along ok with the ILs, but don't really love their company or want them tagging along with me when dh isn't around. They mean well, but they're the types who aren't helpful during their visits and like to tell me how to do things, and entertaining them on my own is too stressful as we're still adjusting to the 2 kid thing and lack of sleep.

Is it horribly rude of us to insist they come on weekends, rather than during the week? They have asked to come on weekdays, but don't seem to understand that ds isn't around during much of the day and it's important for me to take the limited time I have off from work to do the mom group thing to try to finally make some friends around here. They're the types who want to be entertained, and not stay at home while I go about my day.

Since we're not used to having to arrange family visits, do most people have family visit during the week or on weekends? If it's the norm, then fine, but it seems like it would be rather inconvenient.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's perfectly fine to say the weekdays don't work for you.

In a city full of busy people like DC, you have to jump on opportunities to make friends. Motherhood/maternity leave is a good opportunity.

As long as there is not a legitimate reason why they need to come on a week day, not a weekend, then do what makes you comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could plan something specific that's happening on a weekend and say you want them to be there for that.

[Anonymous]

Are they flying or driving in? My inlaws are a 3 hour flight from us so when they come visit they fly in Thursday night, DH picks them up and the 3 of them have dinner. I entertain them Friday morning, DH only works a half day and then they fly out Sunday afternoon. Our second is 6 weeks old and they just visited last weekend, it went pretty well. No way I could entertain them more than the half day alone.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they mistakenly think you're lonely staying home all alone with your kids while DH works.

In and of itself it's not rude to have visitors just on the weekend. But there is a way to be rude when telling the in-laws this. Make sure DH is the one to tell them. And just say he wants for the family to have the time to really spend time with them when they visit, and during the week you're all running around and are sure they wouldn't have fun being hauled all about the town so a weekend per month would be much better.

[Anonymous]

i stay at home and they have always visited on weekends but they all work so its more convenient for them. they suggested a week mon-fri trip once and we declined. i am like you where their visits are enough when dh is around that i dont want to entertain them on my own. since we had a baby they view it that they are intruding on us because they just want to see the baby - the baby is kind of in need of us, particularly at that age! occassionally they suggest that i travel home without dh to visit them with just me and baby because i am available but i have always declined. they truly view it as they just want baby time and think i am just available to cater to make that happen regardless of anything else. but yes, they only visit when dh is available and it works with our schedules. i wpuld let them know week days are not good for your family. tell them dh wants to spend time with them, ds is in school and you and baby have acheduled events. then give thme some weekend dates to suggest as an alternative.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy. DH did put an end to the idea without me having to tell him to, but they keep pushing the issue. I'm also the one who posted here months ago about inviting them to visit the whole time we've lived here, giving them specific dates, and they chose to come when I was at 37 weeks and indicated we weren't interested in visitors in the last few weeks. So they like to do things on their own time in general. Very frustrating. We don't brush off their visits, just try to schedule them for the most convenient times, and offer plenty of options. They drive, not fly, so it's not a matter of choosing cheaper flights or anything.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand. I'm not a fan of entertaining my ILs either.

It would be nice if DH could take either a Friday or Monday off (or a half day) if their visits are infrequent so they could stay a bit longer or be more involved in prep or clean-up.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you and your husband will have a lot of this ahead of you OP! Stand your ground. Set the rules that work for you (weekdays are not good for visitng so they need to come on weekends, stays are no longer than X number of days, and times of visits will be driven by your household's schedule and what works for you.

Then try to schedule a few specific things to which you can invite them that meet all of your preferred guidelines so you can feel good about the invites you're issuing. Otherwise, stand firm.

GOod luck.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, it sounds like your DH just needs to keep being firm with a "we would love to see you but that week won't work for us, how about the following weekend"

[Anonymous]

We only extend invitations for when we have a long weekend because neither of us wants to use limited vacation time to entertain them during the week and my ILs sound very similar to yours.

So they usually fly in on the Friday of a long weekend and leave the Tuesday after.

Once they came during the week while I was on maternity leave. Never again will I have them around in that sort of situation. They expected me to wait on them and feed them while I was just shortly post-partum, still very much recovering and having a rough go of nursing.