I just want to be friends

[Anonymous]

He and I have an uneasy sort of friendship. We talk a lot and he's great for advice or just to bounce ideas off of, but I think he's worried that I might come on to him or something like that. I won't, ever. I know he won't either. Unfortunately, that's just about the only subject that seems to be off of the table for discussion, so I can't just say, "hey, I'm safe". How do I let him know, so that the tension can leave the room?

[Anonymous]

Is one or both of you married?

[Anonymous]

I am, he's not. I have tried talking about husband a lot but it doesn't seem to make him more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just say I'm safe? Are you afraid either he will be disappointed, or that he will say he's safe too and you'll be disappointed?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he doesn't want to be friends with some married woman

[Anonymous]

Just bang him and get it over with

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh I'm in the same situation! I wish I knew the answer. Our once good friendship is likely over because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just say I'm safe? Are you afraid either he will be disappointed, or that he will say he's safe too and you'll be disappointed?

My guess is that you are holding out some kind of hope that he wants more, or you are attracted to him in some way.

If not, this would not be an uncomfortable subject to bring up. For guy friends whom I have zero feelings for, I have no problem saying *anything* to them, including "don't worry dude, I have no plans of coming on to you".

[Anonymous]

He does want to be friends. He's the one who initiates most conversations, etc. . .
No, I won't be banging him.
I am attracted to him. He might guess that but I'll never tell him. But whatever he may feel for me, the facts remain the same: mutual or not, we won't do anything about it. I know him well enough to know that he has the capability to keep his hands to himself and his mouth shut on that topic. I can too.
I can't say it because he doesn't acknowledge the awkwardness / tension / whatever. I have other guy friends without this tension and with them I could say it in a joking fashion, though I don't need to. Somehow he's just really strange about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does want to be friends. He's the one who initiates most conversations, etc. . .
No, I won't be banging him.
I am attracted to him. He might guess that but I'll never tell him. But whatever he may feel for me, the facts remain the same: mutual or not, we won't do anything about it. I know him well enough to know that he has the capability to keep his hands to himself and his mouth shut on that topic. I can too.
I can't say it because he doesn't acknowledge the awkwardness / tension / whatever. I have other guy friends without this tension and with them I could say it in a joking fashion, though I don't need to. Somehow he's just really strange about this.

Yes, he has guessed it and that is what leads to the awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could say something about how great it is to have a good guy friend you can bounce stuff off of, and how good male/female friendships can be hard to find and you're lucky to have his. Then move on with other conversation.

My suspicion is that if things are this awkward, your attraction may not be one-sided. But he doesn't want to be "that guy" who hits on married chicks.

[Anonymous]

(11:23 here - is it also possible he's just kind of a socially awkward guy in general? How is he with other people?)

[Anonymous]

No. He's very comfortable with others. And plenty of women have crushes on him. I can't figure out why I would make him so nervous.

[Anonymous]

You know 11:23 that may not be a bad approach, if I can work it in.

[Anonymous]

How does the OP know that the tension isn't stemming from something else?