Tough choice

[Anonymous]

I have always hated being alive. I have tried in the past to find someone willing to kill me but for whatever reason it never happened. I'm scared to kill myself because I'm worried I will humiliate my parents and grandparents. But if I was killed they wouldn't be embarrassed just sad. The only reason I am alive is because I don't want to hurt them or go to hell.

However by being alive I feel like they are embarrassed by me anyway. I'm 30 never married and no children and to them that is failure. I would like to get married to make them happy but it hasn't happened yet as the guys I like they don't and vise versa.

I am trying to decide which is worse their embarrassment over me being single or over me killing myself. The last thing I want to do is hurt them. I just wish I could get what I want without hurting anyone.

[Anonymous]

As a mom, I would much rather my child be single than dead. I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

There is no way to die without hurting them.

Please try to find a way to live for yourself, not for your parents. If they both died tomorrow, what would you want your life to look like? Live for yourself, not them.

[Anonymous]

Please do not kill yourself. Please consider one of these hotlines if you need someone to talk to. http://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/hotlines/

In my culture, I understand that many people consider people a failure if they do not get married and do not have kids. But I do not believe this, and I think people in our generation do not believe this.

You are valuable just as you are, right now in your life.

Many people think marriage and kids will make things better, but the divorce rate and comments on these forums make it pretty clear that marriage and having kids do not solve anyone's problems. In fact, it can often make them worse.

OP, you are good enough, right now, today. You are good enough being single. This is not your parents' life - they had their chance. It's YOUR life now. The most important person to not hurt, is yourself. Put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

If you don't have the guts to off yourself, then that's clearly not what you want. Stop being such a doormat. Do what makes YOU happy.

[Anonymous]

30 is no big deal. I got married at 33. My coworker told me her brother just got engaged for the first time at 53! We can't all get married at 26 and have a baby at 28.

It takes time to figure out what makes you happy and you can't worry about society's preconceived notion of a proper schedule. There are things you are good at and people who care about you.

I hope you get help with your depression. It will not be easy, but you are worth it.

[Anonymous]

I know first-hand how tough it is to live up to parental and cultural (sorry for assuming) expectations. But please do not let others' expectations of you define you.

In 2008 I was right where you are and I got help. I learned to enjoy being single and live my life for ME right where I was. I'm married with a child now (at 40!) and I treasure those single years. It is very hard to only acknowledge the good in your life in hindsight.

Please talk to someone who can address your depression and help set you on course to love yourself and your life. You do NOT have to accept feeling like this and it CAN change.

[Anonymous]

Please don't kill yourself. You are loved! Please call the National Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not kill yourself. Please consider one of these hotlines if you need someone to talk to. http://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/hotlines/

In my culture, I understand that many people consider people a failure if they do not get married and do not have kids. But I do not believe this, and I think people in our generation do not believe this.

You are valuable just as you are, right now in your life.

Many people think marriage and kids will make things better, but the divorce rate and comments on these forums make it pretty clear that marriage and having kids do not solve anyone's problems. In fact, it can often make them worse.

OP, you are good enough, right now, today. You are good enough being single. This is not your parents' life - they had their chance. It's YOUR life now. The most important person to not hurt, is yourself. Put yourself first.

+1 such wise words - please take them to heart, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, the PPs have really good advice.

I will offer something very little, but something that might make a difference.

Dennis Prager has a wonderful radio show called, "The Happiness Hour," which airs on 1260 AM on Fridays between 1-3. I think it's at 1 (I recently moved time zones so I'm a little unsure if it's at 1 or 2) You will know it by the hokey happy music.

Dennis Prager is involved in conservative talk radio but The Happiness Hour is strictly and expressly non-political.

He has done this show about 750 times over the years---because there are lots of ways to become happy, and lots of ways to stay unhappy. So he explores a different topic each week.

Bottom line is he starts with a (defensible) premise that happiness is not just a feeling, but it's actually a moral obligation. This idea in and of itself is fascinating to explore. It means, in part, that seeking happiness is not a selfish pursuit. It also means that it's not all about me, me, me, but about other people. Anyways, the reason I'm bringing it up is it's not just philosophical, but it's also prescriptive--he explores ways to become a happier person.

For me, one lesson stuck with me…it was a just a little saying:

To be happy, you need three things:

1) Someone to love,
2) Something to do, and
3) Something to look forward to

That particular day the subject was how to achieve those three things. Every week is different.

I encourage you to give it a try.

[Anonymous]

OP, do get counseling. You clearly need support. Your thinking is very distorted, so you're not seeing things as they really are.

If you're not able to recognize that your life is worth living, then consider this: only someone with very distorted thinking would try to impose the burden of murder on someone else the way you say you have.

If your family doesn't value you simply because you're single, that's seriously distorted thinking, and it's likely you learned to see things the way you do from them. You need to free yourself of these destructive distortions. Don't waste any more years of your life thinking you're worthless when that's simply not the case. You're still young, and you have your life in front of you.

[Anonymous]

I can think of no worse thing than to lose a child, regardless of how. Please get some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can think of no worse thing than to lose a child, regardless of how. Please get some help.

Op here,
My parents have already lost their first child who was killed. I'm the only child left which makes me feel even worse for them if I do die. They were able to move on but of course are still sad. And for the record I am white. People were talking about it being cultural.

[Anonymous]

My sister did not find love until she was 40. She is childless and very happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, everybody is important and have contributions that are unique. You are a child of God and lovec beyond more than you can possibly imagine. Please, please do nothing to harm yourself and contact some of the hotlines given upthread. You are important and you are loved. Never forget this.