Help me respond to DH (think he's overreacting)

[Anonymous]

My DH is hurt that I don't want to go to an event with him (club meeting) - we usually go together as it is a shared hobby, but this time I really just want to skip it because work has been busy and I want to relax at home. In my mind, this is a non-issue. But he is really hurt by my suggestion, he kindof feels like I'm abandoning him and is worried that it means that our marriage isn't very strong. Pretty sure he's reacting like this because his parents didn't have anything in common and he wanted a different type of marriage. (We're friends with others who are going, so this isn't about him not knowing anyone or feeling odd going solo.)

The problem is, I feel like he's really overreacting, and now as he continues to be hurt (quiet, somewhat distant) and wants to keep discussing it, I'm feeling a bit resentful that this is turning into an "issue" that's kindof an emotional timesuck. So how do I think about this in a way that understands where he's coming from, and how can I respond to him in a way that is helpful to both of us? I already have apologized for causing him to feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

Do you guys do anything together other than this meeting? You sound pretty dismissive of how hes feeling, but perhaps you need to really look to see if you guys don't spend that much time together (sans kids) or if you've started to show lack of interest in this event

[Anonymous]

Gosh it sounds like you are completely inexperienced at talking to your husband about his feelings. Which makes me wonder how many other times his feelings get no place to reside in the relationship. Which might explain why this "nothing" is in fact "something".

Why do you need help figuring out how to talk to your husband about something important to him? Im just kind of stunned.

[Anonymous]

And I might add I wish my husband "overreacting" would take the form of being quiet, a bit distant yet wanting to talk about it. Sounds like a sweetheart.

[Anonymous]

How about you go because its important to him? Are we talking about a few hours?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, we do plenty of things together - we share a lot of common interests and like to spend a lot of time together. I don't generally back out of doing something with him, so in my mind he should be an "adult" and understand that I just really need to do that this time.

That's part of why I'm having a hard time here. Sure, I could just go with him because its important to him - that's easy to do. But that won't fix the difficulty I'm having understanding him and not being dismissive of his feelings.

[Anonymous]

So talk to him in a non dismissive tone and face to face. Reassure him and find out why hes upset (again in a non judgemental, non accusatory, no eye rolling way) and get to the bottom of it. You know,actually talk and listen to your husband rather than just say hes overreacting

[Anonymous]

Yes, I just do not understand the use of the term "overreacting". I think he is reacting. Why is it a problem that he has feelings? You dont even know what they are yet. So how do you know its "over" what it should be?

[Anonymous]

You need to validate his feelings as a first step. It doesn't sound like that's happened yet.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry, I don't think I realizes how important this was to you. I love you, I will absolutely go to support you. I have been feeling really stressed and overwhelmed lately, can we make sure there is some scheduled down time this weekend when I can recharge?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm sorry, I don't think I realizes how important this was to you. I love you, I will absolutely go to support you. I have been feeling really stressed and overwhelmed lately, can we make sure there is some scheduled down time this weekend when I can recharge?"

+1 to this, but if your assessment is correct and you actually do a lot together on a regular basis, then unless this is your swingers club and he'll be an unadmittable solo male without you, DH is being a wuss and is not considering what's been going on in your life.

[Anonymous]

"So talk to him in a non dismissive tone and face to face. Reassure him and find out why hes upset (again in a non judgemental, non accusatory, no eye rolling way) and get to the bottom of it. You know,actually talk and listen to your husband rather than just say hes overreacting"

We've already talked about this twice, and I have listened and tried to understand, but I still don't. That's part of the problem.

(Its not my style to roll my eyes or speak in a judgmental and accusatory tone, so please don't assume that is going on.)

[Anonymous]

Would it help to go to the meeting but do something very relaxing the next day, or beforehand? Just get some coffee and talk/do nothing? A date for you. A date for him.

[Anonymous]

He is telling you - it isn't' so much about this one event, he is worried about what it says about the relationship. I would ask him what other things possibly are contributing to his concerns about the marriage. He is telling you it isn't just about you going or not going.

Open the lines of communication about the marriage over all. What are his worries?

[Anonymous]

Well, did you ever think that your DH is getting the impression that you do not want to do something WITH HIM? Maybe he looked forward to spending the time and doing something with you. It is clear that he has personalized the issue. You are "resentful" because your spouse thinks something is a big deal and you don't? Think about this way, is this the hill that you really want to fight over?

And you know what? I think my DH is "overracting" every time he gets upset with me. But as a loving supporting partner, I do not have to "understand" his feelings in order to respect them. My advice would be to go to the event in exchange for some quiet time later or earlier.