Anyone have a good relationship with their ex-ILs?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are separting and one of the things that is troubling me is how to maintain a good relationship with my in-laws, who I love dearly and are wonderful grandparents, aunts and uncles to my children. They don't know yet my husband is about to move out, and I figure it's his right to let them know. I know they will be very sad. My thought is to reach out to all of them (his parents and siblings) in individual phone calls after he breaks the news. I want to tell them that I appreciate all they have done to support us through the tough times that we've had lately and that I'm sorry it's come to this. I want them to know that I hope to maintain a good relationship with my husband as a co-parent, and I also want to make sure they are always promient in our children's lives and that they are always welcome in our home. But I'm having some trouble envisioning exactly how that works. They live out of state. Do I invite them to come for visits, especially for special occassions, holidays and birthday parties, like they come for now? Do I continue to send them pictures, school updates and cute little stories of things the kids said over e-mail and text, like I do now? Or does that put them in an awkward position? Do I still send cards and gifts for their birthdays? I suppose that would be ok, especially if they are "from" my children. I know they are going to fully support their son and that we can't have the same relationship that we do now. But I'd like it to be the best it can be under the circumstances. For anyone who has been successful at this, I'd appreciate advice about how to start off on the right foot in this hard new chapter and how you manage the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I have not experienced this so I have no advice, but wouldn't their time with their grandchildren be spent when the children are with their father? The same way your time with your parents will be spent when you have the children?

I think its thoughtful to reach out to keep a relationship open with them. How does your soon to be ex-DH feel about that?

[LisaCampbell]

yes i do

[Anonymous]

See how the react to the divorce first.

And then see how custody is split.

[Anonymous]

My brother has a good relationship with his ex in-laws. His ex-MIL does a good bit of childcare when his ex has custody so he sees her at classes and sports and such. I don't know why you'd send them gifts from your children. Wouldn't your husband do that? And/or wouldn't it be his responsibility to do that? At most I'd send a card at the holidays. I think it's fine to reach out at first, but why would you invite them to your home? When they come to visit wouldn't they stay at your husband's new place not "our place" whatever that means? I can see wanting to have good relationships, but it doesn't seem like you've factored in the divorce at all.

[Anonymous]

My aunt (uncle's ex-wife) still comes and spends the occassional weekend with my grandmother, they call and email. My aunt and uncle have been divorced for more than 30 years and he has been remarried for about 25 years.
My aunt never remarried.

[Anonymous]

I am separated for my young dd's dad with full legal an physical custody. She s only grand kid. I invited them to a major holiday and they stayed with us. They are incredibly appreciative. My stbex does not have a good relationship with his parents so I have always been the one to instigate visits anyways.

[Anonymous]

You're being unrealistic and putting them in a difficult position. They're not going up be friends with you, they're going to side with their son/brother. They doesn't mean they stop seeing the kids.

[Anonymous]

Have you two decided anything about custody? This will make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're being unrealistic and putting them in a difficult position. They're not going up be friends with you, they're going to side with their son/brother. They doesn't mean they stop seeing the kids.

What are you talking about...people have done it...remained friendLY, if not friends.
Just because it did not work for you, doesn't mean it cannot work for someone else.
Bag it Blanche!

[Anonymous]

Yes, me and it is possible.

[Anonymous]

I have a GREAT relationship with my ex-ILs, two years after exH moved out. I felt as you do, OP and have made a point to always keep communication open.

After the split I had one awkward, brief conversation of the type you propose. I said my plan going forward would be to treat them no differently than I had over the past 15 years. They are local and I occasionally send DCs to their place for dinner etc on "my days" because it's what DCs want at the time and it benefits DCs so much.

A caveat - their son, my ex, hasn't remarried or begun to bring around any love interests. I can imagine that when he does, I'll need to be more "formal" about contacting them and not just calling them up on the spur of the moment no suggesting they come by and see the kids' lemonade stand that afternoon. What if 'she' is there when I call, having brunch with exH and his parents? And so on.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I have advice either. I have a friendly but guarded relationship with the ex-ILs. But in my case, XH was abusive and dropped out of DC's life pretty quickly. My DC is very young still, he has no memory of living with his father and we moved away from the ex-ILs when DC was 2, so there wasn't really an established relationship that was disrupted by the divorce.

The ex-ILs reached out to me about 2yrs after the divorce (which was very nasty) because they had no contact with DC through XH and XH eventually burned his bridges with them. We are not friends, but we are friendly. XH is not a topic we discuss and I tend to shut down any personal questions (about career, finances, dating, my family, any upcoming court actions, etc) pretty quickly. The few times I've loosened those boundaries ended in drama, so I just keep it totally focused on DC now.

I know they love DC and they come visit 2-3x/yr for 4-5 days. They stay in a hotel, I have them over for dinner one night, meet them for dinner at a restaurant one night and the rest of the time they spend with DC one-on-one doing kid-grandparent stuff like visiting museums, etc.

They send packages every other month or so, I send them pictures and drawings that DC does, and I think after their next visit, we're going to discuss Skyping.

I think the key is to keep it child-focused. Try and keep up the same relationship your kids have now with their grandparents, but let go of any expectations with your relationship with them. I made a deliberate effort to speak of and think of them not as MY ex-ILs or XH's family, but as DC's grandparents. That shift in thinking helps.

You don't know how they're going to react to the divorce, I had a great, very friendly relationship with them and less than 24 hours after filing, they refused any contact with me (that lasted 6mo) and immediately bought all the crap that XH fed them. They even tried to convince the lawyers that I was an unfit mother. Take it slow, keep the focus on your kids and accept that it will never be the same.

[Anonymous]

How convenient. Did you get what you were fishing for before you deleted? BTW, your mother was right re: good child/bad child, even with what your brother did. You are not fooling anybody by "winning over" your cruel, equally mean-spirited "ex-IL."

[Anonymous]

I am fortunate to have a good relationship with my ex-inlaws, though contact is dictated (rightfully, I think) through my ex. In part it's because my ex and I are civil, but I'm also the mother of their grandchild.

My ex MIL passed away recently, and I was very torn up about it. I attended the funeral. She still had a picture of me in her bedroom. I miss her dearly.