I feel like I have never done well at work in any of my jobs

[Anonymous]

I have had 2 different careers since graduating from college (two different graduate degrees). Most recently I went back to grad school in my early 30's, got a master's in a new field I felt was a good match, and have worked at the same job full-time since then until recently when I resigned to be a SAHM to our first child.

Now that I've been a SAHM for 6 months, I've been reflecting a lot on my past work experiences and feeling bad that I never lived up to my potential in any of them. Basically I feel like I've been a complete failure career-wise. I've never really excelled at any of my jobs, and always ended up not liking any of my jobs eventually and dreading going to work. I've resigned from every job I've had within a 2 year period. The longest job I've worked at was 2 years. I feel like I've wasted my graduate degrees and feel sad that I never really found the right match career-wise, despite my best efforts.

I was always a really good student, and excelled in my college and grad school programs, but never performed very well at work. I've always felt like a failure about this, and am trying to figure out why.

So now that I'm reflecting on my work experiences, I feel that I have failed at every job both socially and in terms of the actual work. While I'd like to be a SAHM for awhile (a year or so), I think a lot about returning to work, and how I can be more productive and do better in a job, if that is even possible for me.

I like being productive and having a professional identity, and I feel like my current profession is a good fit and I like giving back to society. However, I have always struggled with feeling overwhelmed working full-time.
More specifically, I almost always feel overwhelmed in each job I've held as I get more and more responsibility. I am good at making to do lists and doing assignments that require the most priority first, but I always feel that I am pulled in too many different directions by different requirements in the job, and I feel kind of scattered. When there is too much on my plate I have a lot of trouble remembering small details. When there is too much on my plate I also struggle with being efficient and having good time management.

I have very low energy in general which I believe contributes greatly to some of these issues (have seen several doctors and specialists about this and had multiple blood tests), and the only thing that was ever found was low Vitamin D, for which I'm on supplements, but I don't feel any increase in my energy. I have always been very low energy, so this isn't a new thing. I feel like energy-wise, I don't have the energy to work full-time and take care of the house, let alone take care of our child, which is why I resigned to be a SAHM for now. I would spend my weekends rushing around trying to do chores and errands, and feel exhausted going into work on Mondays, which wouldn't set a great tone for the week. I would just be dragging through the days and feeling so exhausted when I'd come home that I would eat dinner and take a nap, just to get through the evening. I know that I have unusually low energy levels, but am not sure what else I can do about that, but it definitely contributes to not doing as well at work as I'd like.

And I have never done well socially at work. I have always felt like the one employee who is on the outside, and I feel like I never fit into the workplace socially. I would see other employees stopping by each other's offices to chat, and people never stop by my office to chat, even though I would make a big effort to get to know people and be friendly. I have never been well-liked by either employees or my bosses. Socially I have had a tough time in this area. DH and I moved here from out of state a few years ago and we did not know anyone in the area, so we have had a really hard time creating a social life. Maybe co-workers can sense that I don't really have anyone here (besides DH) and don't want to get involved/include me.

Anyhow, I would really like to figure out why I have not been successful at any of my jobs because I would like to return to work but I want it to be a successful experience. I am open to the idea that perhaps I have adult ADD that has never been diagnosed, that could be one possibility I have been thinking about.

[Anonymous]

I feel like talking to a career counselor will help you.

[Anonymous]

If you want people to stop by your desk, put a bowl of individually wrapped candies (like Hershey Kisses) on your desk. That is how you make friends at work. Also, you go to other people's desks, and ask about their pictures.

Just from reading your post, it is clear from your writing that you are self-absorbed. Socially you will do better if you focus more on the team/department/your coworkers.

[Anonymous]

Fix health first.
See how you can fix low-energy. There are tons of women in your shoes with un-diagnosed issues.

Then fix your depression next.
Exercise, medicate, get help.

Then see a therapist to see what you can change (attitude, expectation etc) to succeed at the work place.

Give yourself 1 year to take control of health and mental health.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP that you need to take care of your health, see a doctor and see why you have low energy. Also, candy bowl doesn't work for everyone. Have worked with people who have done this but still no one stopped by. Also, most of these people were friendly and didn't seem self-absorbed but for whatever reason, they were not office friend magnets. Having said that OP, maybe it is just that you need to find someplace where you fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want people to stop by your desk, put a bowl of individually wrapped candies (like Hershey Kisses) on your desk. That is how you make friends at work. Also, you go to other people's desks, and ask about their pictures.

Just from reading your post, it is clear from your writing that you are self-absorbed. Socially you will do better if you focus more on the team/department/your coworkers.

Candy is a great idea. I don't think OP is self-absorbed. She is describing her problem from her POV so it's got a lot of introspection in it as she tries to describe herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want people to stop by your desk, put a bowl of individually wrapped candies (like Hershey Kisses) on your desk. That is how you make friends at work. Also, you go to other people's desks, and ask about their pictures.

Just from reading your post, it is clear from your writing that you are self-absorbed. Socially you will do better if you focus more on the team/department/your coworkers.

Really? You can tell she is self-absorbed based just on this post? I think she wanted to describe her situation. You are very quick to judge.

[Anonymous]

I think some of the things you are expressing are more common than you think. Feeling overwhelmed and not connected socially at work are not uncommon, they are just not things that are common discussion topics. Also, it doesn't sound like you have had lengthy tenures at your jobs. I know for me, a lot of the apparent ease (I say apparent because sometimes it is a facade) with which I am able to handle my job comes from the fact that I have been doing it for years. So even when new things come up, I have a much better idea of how best to approach the project to it get IT done efficiently. You sound a bit down on yourself - nothing in your post indicates to me that you failed at your jobs. Were there actual complaints about your performance, or was it more a feeling of just knowing you could do better?

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm a consultant and I switch jobs, teams, and clients frequently. Also I am constantly being challenged with new issues and responsibilities. I also have ADD and I have found behavioral and cognitive coping mechanisms. I am rated a high performer in my company and yet on the inside I struggle and feel like I fake it every day. My husband tries to remind me it's not fake of it's real to everyone but you.

It sounds like you have a position based job. Like a accounts payable clerk. Your position is to come in each day and pay vendors. Every day there are more vendors to pay and each day you do the same thing forever.

Perhaps you need a project based job like consulting where you are part of a team addressing an issue (How can we streamline the accounts payable process? How should we design the new accounts payable system?) when that project is done, you move on to the next one.

You talk about being overwhelmed by too many responsibilities at once. Some people handle it better than others - think of a talented receptionist who can answer the door and the phone and sign for packages and type a memo while copying reports. I can't do that! I like project based work because while clients and deadlines can be demanding and there is a lot to be done, it usually needs to be done in an order - so first things first. This appeals to your love of lists. There is a project based equivalent to most position based skill sets.

You could also find a hybrid profession like teaching - some aspects are the same every day, but there is a lot of problem solving and the project/accomplishment aspect of finishing a unit or semester.

Good luck. It takes a year to really "understand" most jobs - the tasks, what is above and beyond, the politics, make friends.
It takes another 6-12 months to feel like you get it and you get the hang of it. Sounds like you just give up before you hit that threshold. Try to hang in there and trust yourself a little more. You need to get practice sticking with something really hard and not giving up when it's not going as well as planned. I imagine parenthood is excellent practice for that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'm a consultant and I switch jobs, teams, and clients frequently. Also I am constantly being challenged with new issues and responsibilities. I also have ADD and I have found behavioral and cognitive coping mechanisms. I am rated a high performer in my company and yet on the inside I struggle and feel like I fake it every day. My husband tries to remind me it's not fake of it's real to everyone but you.

It sounds like you have a position based job. Like a accounts payable clerk. Your position is to come in each day and pay vendors. Every day there are more vendors to pay and each day you do the same thing forever.

Perhaps you need a project based job like consulting where you are part of a team addressing an issue (How can we streamline the accounts payable process? How should we design the new accounts payable system?) when that project is done, you move on to the next one.

You talk about being overwhelmed by too many responsibilities at once. Some people handle it better than others - think of a talented receptionist who can answer the door and the phone and sign for packages and type a memo while copying reports. I can't do that! I like project based work because while clients and deadlines can be demanding and there is a lot to be done, it usually needs to be done in an order - so first things first. This appeals to your love of lists. There is a project based equivalent to most position based skill sets.

You could also find a hybrid profession like teaching - some aspects are the same every day, but there is a lot of problem solving and the project/accomplishment aspect of finishing a unit or semester.

Good luck. It takes a year to really "understand" most jobs - the tasks, what is above and beyond, the politics, make friends.
It takes another 6-12 months to feel like you get it and you get the hang of it. Sounds like you just give up before you hit that threshold. Try to hang in there and trust yourself a little more. You need to get practice sticking with something really hard and not giving up when it's not going as well as planned. I imagine parenthood is excellent practice for that!

I'm not the OP but feel like her and this post was terrific - thank you!

[Anonymous]

Get your thyroid checked right away. Keep checking on the vitamin D deficiency. Exercise? diet? And, yes, you sound liek you may have ADHD or executive functioning issues. If you can afford it, get the testing.

[Anonymous]

OP, many men change jobs every 2 - 2.5 years. That way they can get the jumps in their salary that they want. Why do you think that 2 years is not a long tenure? It is perfectly acceptable length of tenure.

Give yourself a break. You are assuming that most people who are working around you are capable. 20% of people in an organization do 80% of work. Most people are semi-capable only. Dilbert is funny because most people can identify their own offices in them.

You are taking your job too seriously. This is not school. There is no subjective measure (Tests in school, SAT) of grading you here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your thyroid checked right away. Keep checking on the vitamin D deficiency. Exercise? diet? And, yes, you sound liek you may have ADHD or executive functioning issues. If you can afford it, get the testing.

OP here. I have had my thyroid checked multiple times. Have seen an endocrinologist. My Vitamin D defiiciency is being corrected with the supplements--even with supplements it's not super high but I seem to have a problem with vitamin D levels in general.

I never thought I had ADD issues until this last job. I've never had problems concentrating in school or at home, don't lose things, am always punctual, etc. But I do seem to have problems with time management.

My last performance review on the job was not very good, it was a few months before I resigned.

[Anonymous]

hi OP,

1. I don't think you are self-absorbed.

2. As a total aside, I found when I cut my intake of grains (bread/pasta/oatmeal/rice), and of course got more sleep--and went to bed on a regular schedule, it really helped me.

3. I am a SAHM and have some nice unused degrees gathering dust. When I became a SAHM, my stockbroker told me I was wasting my brain and my old boss laughed and said, "what do you DO all day?" Anyways, just saying that it is a real identity shift and an exercise in humility. LOL nobody cares what I think, anymore, comparatively.

4. I've resisted going back into the work force and when I reflect on the reason, it's because I really don't like the type of stress that the type of work I did put on me. My career and my personality really don't match. I am capable of doing brainiac stuff all day but I'm happier doing something with physical and visible results. I'm also happier doing something that can be done as shift work, so when it's over, it's over, and I'm not mulling over complex questions as I try and fall asleep. I used to fantasize about working at Starbucks! I bet those folks don't churn their heads about grande mocha lattes as they go to sleep.

So OP, I think you are on the right track re: reflection. Now just to work on the fit between any potential job and your personality. Remember, people make their own prisons, so for example, as hard as it was to break into my profession, it was just as mentally hard to break out of my profession and not see myself as a loser for doing so. To allow the degrees to gather dust, so to speak. Or to put it another way: to not get sucked in by your sunk cost. (Which btw they won't once your kids get older, your prior experience will really come in handy)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your thyroid checked right away. Keep checking on the vitamin D deficiency. Exercise? diet? And, yes, you sound liek you may have ADHD or executive functioning issues. If you can afford it, get the testing.

OP here. I have had my thyroid checked multiple times. Have seen an endocrinologist. My Vitamin D defiiciency is being corrected with the supplements--even with supplements it's not super high but I seem to have a problem with vitamin D levels in general.

I never thought I had ADD issues until this last job. I've never had problems concentrating in school or at home, don't lose things, am always punctual, etc. But I do seem to have problems with time management.

My last performance review on the job was not very good, it was a few months before I resigned.

VIt D takes a long time to accumulate in some people. I have to take 5000 IU a day to get in the mid-range of normal, and this is after time on Rx strength five years ago. Maybe they should up your dose