"I never really loved you" - BS or not?

[Anonymous]

I was going to post this as a response to another post, but thought it was interesting enough to warrant its own headline.

H and I are in therapy and I'm feeling we may split, but I've been worried I'm no longer a reliable narrator of our story (how we met, if we fell in love, etc). This article says, basically, people looking to get out of relationships often rewrite history to make it seem that they never loved their partner to begin with. Duh. I feel like a dummy for not realizing this on my own, but oh well. I do wonder how much "truth" or accuracy really matter when telling the story of a relationship, though. If one is feeling bad enough about it in the present moment to reshape the story to make it seem flawed to begin with, doesn't that count for something? What do you think?

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/i-was-never-in-love-with-you-hesaid/

[Anonymous]

Rewriting marital history is how cheaters justify their bad actions. I don't know about people just in regular dysfunctional relationships, however. I never loved you is a very strong and very hurtful statement, and seems to me intended to inflict as much pain as possible on the spouse.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. I agree that some couples forget or block out the feelings of love they once had. Others, especially for short marriages, may never gotten past a lust stage.

[Anonymous]

Rewriting marital history is just part of how we distort thinking to match feelings or to rationalize choices. Cognitive distortions are very common - and when you think in a distorted way for long enough, it becomes 'true' as you remember those thoughts as being valid.

[Anonymous]

Your brain wants you to be happy. If the past is inconsistent with something you want right now and that inconsistency is making you unhappy; your brain will tend to revise the past to suit your present desires. That's why the current spouse's behavior seems worse and your past relationship seems worse when you are in the fog of an extramarital affair.

[Anonymous]

OK, but what does one do with this then? I'm trying to be thoughtful about everything, but it's hard when I can't even rely on my own brain. Therapist is asking us about our past but apparently my version is wrong. I'm so confused. This is a huge decision and I want to be as kind and thorough as possible.

(And neither of us is in an extramarital affair or has ever cheated.)

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the circumstances. My dad pulled the "I never loved you" card in divorcing my mom, and I believe him. He felt obligated to marry her for a number of reasons, but they are fundamentally incompatible. For people that married because they both wanted to do so, I tend to think it is rationalization. If you want to save it and find love again, you probably can. If you have so convinced yourself that there never was and never will be love, love certainly won't appear out of the air.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of spouses have never loved the other. There are many reasons why people just go along with it and get married.

1. In too deep (we've been together so long, moved in together, etc. that breaking up would be too devastating or I am just plain afraid to do it)

2. He/she is perfect on paper and fulfills MY needs/insecurities, I can grow to love them.

3. The clock is ticking and that person is the best that I have found so far.

These are just a couple of things that I see a lot. All in all I think that many people in relationships know that someone may not 100% be the one, but for various reasons just won't end it and start from scratch.

[Anonymous]

Although it is possible they really never did love you (and there are some examples offered here) I think in most cases it's someone rewriting history - altering their own memories to match better (and guilt-free!) with their current feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of spouses have never loved the other. There are many reasons why people just go along with it and get married.

1. In too deep (we've been together so long, moved in together, etc. that breaking up would be too devastating or I am just plain afraid to do it)

2. He/she is perfect on paper and fulfills MY needs/insecurities, I can grow to love them.

3. The clock is ticking and that person is the best that I have found so far.

These are just a couple of things that I see a lot. All in all I think that many people in relationships know that someone may not 100% be the one, but for various reasons just won't end it and start from scratch.

Agree with this.

Also, I think many people realize they weren't "in love" with the person but they do love them - it's just not in the romantic feeling type of way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of spouses have never loved the other. There are many reasons why people just go along with it and get married.

1. In too deep (we've been together so long, moved in together, etc. that breaking up would be too devastating or I am just plain afraid to do it)

2. He/she is perfect on paper and fulfills MY needs/insecurities, I can grow to love them.

3. The clock is ticking and that person is the best that I have found so far.

These are just a couple of things that I see a lot. All in all I think that many people in relationships know that someone may not 100% be the one, but for various reasons just won't end it and start from scratch.

Agree with this.

Also, I think many people realize they weren't "in love" with the person but they do love them - it's just not in the romantic feeling type of way.

In that case, I think the person who isn't "in love" needs to pay really close attention and be very honest to themselves about what triggers sexual desire in them. And then tell their spouse all about it so that the spouse has a fighting chance of triggering that sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of spouses have never loved the other. There are many reasons why people just go along with it and get married.

1. In too deep (we've been together so long, moved in together, etc. that breaking up would be too devastating or I am just plain afraid to do it)

2. He/she is perfect on paper and fulfills MY needs/insecurities, I can grow to love them.

3. The clock is ticking and that person is the best that I have found so far.

These are just a couple of things that I see a lot. All in all I think that many people in relationships know that someone may not 100% be the one, but for various reasons just won't end it and start from scratch.

Agree with this.

Also, I think many people realize they weren't "in love" with the person but they do love them - it's just not in the romantic feeling type of way.

In that case, I think the person who isn't "in love" needs to pay really close attention and be very honest to themselves about what triggers sexual desire in them. And then tell their spouse all about it so that the spouse has a fighting chance of triggering that sexuality.

I don't think that's possible. You're either attracted to someone or you're not.
It can be rekindled if it ever existed, but it can't be created.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that's possible. You're either attracted to someone or you're not.
It can be rekindled if it ever existed, but it can't be created.

Disagree. There's definitely a spectrum, and some people can fake it or suffer through bad or mediocre sex to save relationship. Women are also wired a bit differently for attraction than men. If I have trouble respecting DH, am disappointed in him or don't completely trust him at the time, I CANNOT get turned on by him. He can usually get aroused regardless, unless he's really angry at me at the time.