Aging parents-do they loose their ability to empathize? Nastier to the kids they see the most?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone noticed this? My mother was not that empathetic person in her 20s and 30s, but by mid 40s she became quite empathetic and pleasant and that lasted for decades. Now I notice gradual cognitive changes as she ages, especially now that she is in her 70s. She's more forgetful and I'm also noticing empathy is decreasing. Part of it is she is losing her filter and she says hurtful things, but in the past she would feel bad and apologize and now she doesn't. It is what it is and I am still going to be there for her as she ages. It just makes the experience less pleasant. She is more careful with my brother and sister who don't live in the area and she seems to still apologize to them when she slips. They rarely visit, and they have valid reasons which I'm not going into. This is not about being a martyr and complaining my siblings don't do enough. They have enough going on in their lives. I try to just laugh at how ridiculous it is and I feel good about the fact I can give back since other areas of my life are manageable. Anyone else relate?


Again, not into starting a family feud. My brother and sister are not to blame in any way. Not looking to confront my mother because she's more easily addled these days. Just venting.

[Anonymous]

I think they become more outspoken, less tolerant of what they see as foolishness. Not sure if this is lack of empathy or just "not suffering fools."

[Anonymous]

This is my mom. She is coming to visit for 6 weeks. I smile dreading it. On top of it, my mom is a martyr and religious freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they become more outspoken, less tolerant of what they see as foolishness. Not sure if this is lack of empathy or just "not suffering fools."

Yes, but my MIL has always been the foolish one. What is her excuse?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's aging: not suffering fools (others) gladly, being too tired to process and filter everything, not caring anymore!

My parents are the same way and I expect we will more or less all end up like this. In that spirit, I try to let the comments roll off my back as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

You should get her checked by a doctor. It could be the beginnings of dementia. If so, you need to get your and her legal affairs in order while she still has some brain left.

[Anonymous]

My take: older people become more narcissistic, in part because their own world is shrinking. They are not working in most cases, and so their own 'stuff' becomes way more important than anyone else's feelings or needs. Also there may be memory issues, or physical issues (my dad literally grimaces when my two big, active boys hug him - he can barely hold his balance anyway. So instead of welcoming the love, he looks like he wants to smack them.)

[Anonymous]

Opposite with our parents. They were hard assed people and now that they're older, they are gentler and more understanding.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is my mother exactly except she had an excellent filter until near 80, and until then was always very sweet, empathetic and loving. It makes me sad that we have to stay in a hotel when we visit her in order to limit the harsh things she says to/about my 8 year old son. After visiting her over the holidays my daughter said to me "(brother) said he doesn't like Grandma." It breaks my heart that they won't know the sweet, generous, loving woman that she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take: older people become more narcissistic, in part because their own world is shrinking. They are not working in most cases, and so their own 'stuff' becomes way more important than anyone else's feelings or needs. Also there may be memory issues, or physical issues (my dad literally grimaces when my two big, active boys hug him - he can barely hold his balance anyway. So instead of welcoming the love, he looks like he wants to smack them.)

You need to talk to your boys about hugging him gently or just smiling as a greeting

[Anonymous]

My 85 yr old mother seems to enjoy any hardship my teenage children experience, and is never interested in the good stuff. I usually just laugh it off, but it hurts. I limit their exposure so they have good memories of her, even if I don't. My father died at 90, exact opposite approach.

[Anonymous]

My mother is like Tony Soprano's mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom sees you the most so her filter towards you is worn out. Nothing personal in that, and it's not surprising. You sound like a good person, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take: older people become more narcissistic, in part because their own world is shrinking. They are not working in most cases, and so their own 'stuff' becomes way more important than anyone else's feelings or needs. Also there may be memory issues, or physical issues (my dad literally grimaces when my two big, active boys hug him - he can barely hold his balance anyway. So instead of welcoming the love, he looks like he wants to smack them.)

Never occurred to you to ask you big hulking kids to hug a bit more gently?

[Anonymous]

OP, what a lovely approach you have and I'm sorry you're going through it. It sounds a lot like what happened to my mom and her mother as my grandma went through increasingly apparent stages of dementia. My mom, as the most capable sibling, was the one to take care of a lot of things and to visit her often. My mom was always very kind and patient with grandma, but as time went on, grandma would be very angry and rude with my mom until she got to the stage where she didn't really understand much of anything anymore. My take on it was that for as hurtful as it was, that behavior was also only ever with the person around whom she felt the safest.

All best wishes to you, and I hope that you are able to find good respite help if you need it.