Cross Post: Paper Intervention Before Separation?

[Anonymous]

I met with a divorce lawyer who said it might be possible to do a so-called "paper intervention" by letter that sets out my requirements for staying in the marriage - he gets substance abuse treatment, goes to therapy, stops yelling at the kids, etc. Has anyone ever done anything like this? This would be in lieu of the lawyer's simply sending a letter to say retain counsel so we can work out the separation agreement.

If you have done this, how did it work out? Even if you still divorced, was it helpful in knowing you tried everything you could?

[Anonymous]

Hi there this doesn't sound that great to me. Why not separate and use the 1 year period to see if he starts doing all the stuff you mention. Is he an active user now? Of course, I don't know what his actions have been to date or if he's tried to stop but if he is using drugs and yelling at kids constantly that should be enough reason for anyone to save themselves and their kids.

Of course, communicate that the separation is a time to cool off and see what you want to do. If you threatening to actually leave does nothing to spur him to making better choices, my guess is a letter from an attorney will not help. It might actually make things worse day to day. In VA the PSA is null and void if you resume living together as husband and wife I believe (not an expert here). Just separate and what he does then will give you a good sign of what to do if you want to go through the divorce.

Good luck to you, I know this is hard.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP.

[Anonymous]

As a lawyer who has also gone through a divorce, I'm not sure why you would pay a lawyer to do either of those things (send letters). If you want to work things out, go to joint counseling. And if not, initiate the separation. There's no need to inform your spouse that you have a lawyer, and it may be strategic not to do so.

[Anonymous]

The lawyer recommended sending the letter to initiate the separation. My husband has an explosive temper so the thought was sending the letter to him at his office (he's a lawyer) from counsel might be better than me telling him face to face. At that point, the fact that I have a lawyer is kind of a duh thing anyway, isn't it? If we have to work out the separation agreement, I'm not sure how it would be a surprise that I have counsel. If he wants to run out and get Sandy Ain after he finds out I don't have him, then he can do that.

Regarding the paper intervention letter, the idea was to make it seem more serious, like I would really leave. Maybe that is not a great idea, but it was an option he threw out. I'll discuss it with my therapist.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered mediation to help with the agreement? Maybe ask him if he'd be willing to go?