Taking the High Road Is Tiring - Give Me Encouragement!

[Anonymous]

I was out with the kids this morning at an appointment. DH calls but doesn't leave a message on my cell. In the meantime, we are texting about something else.

We get home. He stomps out of thehouse while saying that I said I would call so he had been waiting for me for an hour and no longer wanted to go to the store together as a family and that he would go by himself.

I sent him a text saying Next time please text me. I thought you were calling about the problem we were texting about so I didn't call you back because we resolved that.

So he e-mails me, saying you said you would call, I guess I should not have relied on that.

I e-mailed back that as far as I recall I said I would text.

He e-mailed back Nope.

So I e-mailed:

I guess I don't understand why we have to be limited to one form of communication. As this exchange points out, we have texting e-mails, etc. You did not leave a voicemail for me, either. So I am not sure why, when I did not return the call, you would not have called again, left a vm, texted or e-mailed rather than fuming. I think my assumption that you were calling about the thing we texted about was reasonable in the absence of a voicemail.

We can keep fighting about it or just move on and try to learn to communicate in ways that make us connect. Obviously we missed each other on this one, but I don't think anybody meant anything bad by it.

He has not replied.

Part of my just wants to yell, "Oh grow up!" But I am trying hard to be respectful and not engage or let him drag me down into his snit. He has anger issues and I am trying to learn to set boundaries while still taking the high road and not engaging. I may be doing a sucky job at it for all I know, but I'm reading a bunch of books and trying.

Any words of advice or encouragement? Any secrets for keeping your zen in this situation?

[Anonymous]

No advice but you all have communication issues if you resort to emailing your spouse as a form of daily communication.

[Anonymous]

You can remind yourself that you are setting a good example for your kids by not engaging in nonsense.

Remind yourself that when you allow yourself to get drawn into his tantrums, then you're down on the ground too.

And it doesn't sound like it's fun to be him. Why would you want to step into that? Just go about your business. You are the only person you can control, change and be. Choose to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice but you all have communication issues if you resort to emailing your spouse as a form of daily communication.

+1. you are both right and you are both wrong. find a way to actually TALK to each other because this episode is just the symptom of something deeper in your marriage that clearly is not working well.

[Anonymous]

Have since received three nasty texts/e-mails. Ommmmm.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but it's not the high road that you're on but the river of denial.

how can you not see that there is something more serious here?

and just because you're reading books doesn't mean you are any closer to resolving this - in fact without engaging together, your efforts may be even more detrimental as a false sense of "I'm the only trying" is created. The two of you have to communicate in order to figure out what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but it's not the high road that you're on but the river of denial.

how can you not see that there is something more serious here?

and just because you're reading books doesn't mean you are any closer to resolving this - in fact without engaging together, your efforts may be even more detrimental as a false sense of "I'm the only trying" is created. The two of you have to communicate in order to figure out what's going on.

I know that there is something more serious going on here. As I said in my first post, he has anger/rage issues. Every weekend and holiday turns into a big drama, with the kids reduced to tears because he yells, yells, yells. I am trying to disengage. I am trying not to let his attempts to cause me to react (by stomping out and sending me nasty e-mails and texts) to affect me. I am trying to let go and go about my business and protect the kids. I asked for advice and encouragement from those who have been through this. This is NOT a healthy relationship. "Just talk to him already" does not work when you are dealing with someone with anger and substance abuse issues.

People who are likely to be familiar with the disengagement process are people who have been in abusive relationships or people who have been in a relationship with someone with an addiction. I am asking those people (and others who know about this) for encouragement and advice on disengaging and staying above the fray.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to stay married to him?

Is he willing to go to counseling with you?


I think a lot depends on the answers to those questions.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. I am looking for advice on staying above the fray while I sort out the answers to those very questions.

[Anonymous]

So you want to know how you disengage in this example. When your husband stomped out of the house to shop alone, you let him go. Don't text him or call. Let him live the consequences and probably he wanted to go with you. Sounds like knows how to make you dance around to make him happy with his tantrums and pouts and how to be sure you will pay for not going by his rules.

And I agree on the email stuff. Talk is king here. You should consider going to therapy. You need to better understand why you are reasoning with someone unreasonable. You will never win.

[Anonymous]

Also, you may want to ask him, compassionately, what is troubling him. Perhaps he will tell you.
Be prepared to hear that you are contributing to this in some way of which you are not aware. However, this would only be the first step. Changing both of your behaviors would be necessary and as the PP said, counseling is probably something to consider at this point.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. While you are texting him, you are supposed to call him too?

He is playing games. This is about something else.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you handled it perfectly to me. In my own experience, I react the way your husband did when I am in a pissy mood and need time to myself. At that point, my spouse could do ANYTHING, and it would be the wrong thing. Just give him a little space and time to regroup. I predict he apologizes to you tomorrow after he has a good night's sleep. I wouldn't bring it up again until he does. Good luck. You sound like a normal, reasonable and nice person -- so what are you doing on DCUM??

[Anonymous]

Your poor kids, are they able to "disengage" from the emotionally abusive asshole while you decide if you are strong enough to leave, be a real woman and stand up for your kids. Do you have a job? is that why you stay? Im always astounded by these posts. It's one thing to be a doormat but I always like to think that once a woman has kids she finds inner strength she never knew she had. I know I did.

[Anonymous]

You know all the silly code words except this

DIVORCE HIS ASS.

Why any woman today puts up with an angry, juvenile dope head that treats you like shit in front of his own kids is beyond me. I can't give any advice because I never had to deal with an asshole like your husband. Maybe GET RID OF HIM.