My mom's behavior when we visit
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Anonymous
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My mother lives in a very remote, back country location with just her long time boyfriend. She is over 65.
She resents it when we don't visit often enough. She resents the time we do spend visiting my dad. And yet when I DO take my kids to visit her, it's very apparent that it stresses her out and apparently makes her unhappy. While visiting her, I was trying to strap a young kid into the car one day and having a hard time with the seat belt. Admittedly, there was a lot going on with the kids, loading up, etc. I asked my mom to start the car because it was 20 degrees out and at least the car could be warming up while I do the strapping. She screamed at me, I forget exactly what she said, something about me interrupting her or her train of thought. I just pursed my lips, raised my eyebrows, and gave her my best, withering, disapproving mom look. It stopped her cold. I don't know on what planet it's OK to scream at someone like that. I'm quite sure she would never use that tone of voice with anyone whose good opinion she cares about. She doesn't like to come to my place because she get's stressed and anxious when she travels. So I use my limited vacation and budget (single WOHM) to take the kids to visit her because she wants us to, and then she can't handle it. I guess a hotel would be a possible solution but it would be very far from her remote location, and an additional expense of renting a car and getting a hotel room. On top of all this when we visit my dad he and his wife are so welcoming, always encourage us to come, to stay as long as possible, will pick us up anywhere, any time, and we have a blast. It's really bumming me out. I love my mom but I don't enjoy being around her. I don't know how to resolve the conflicting complaints - the spoken one of not seeing us enough of the unspoken one of it stressing her out to have "a lot of activity" as she calls it, around. |
Anonymous
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Go as often as you can stand to go with a willing heart.
It sounds like your mom will complain no matter what you do, so set your limit and go from there. |
Anonymous
| You can't resolve the conflicting complaints. You visit your mom as often as you can do so while remaining cheerful. When she complains, you remind her that you have limited vacation time and other obligations. When she treats you poorly, you call her out on it in an appropriate way. You cannot solve her problem for her. |
Anonymous
| How often do you see her? Sounds like a once a year visit would suffice |
Anonymous
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My mom is a little like this. She spends weeks prepping for a family visit -- decorating, getting rooms ready, cleaning, etc. -- and then she complains the entire time about how exhausted she is. I appreciate the effort she puts in, but half of it is undone in the first 20 minutes.
She also thinks we can go out every night to a leisurely dinner at 7:30 or 8, and won't let anyone "ruin their appetite" (or mess up her kitchen) by eating anything after lunch. Yeah, that works with an 8 year old. |
Anonymous
| My mom gets stressed and irritable when we visit too |
Anonymous
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Just some perspective, my parents are hoarders. My kids have never even been to their house, they are 7 and 5. It makes me super sad.
My FIL is like Ops mom. I would limit visits to 48-72 hours tops. And if you can have your own car to do your own thing for a few hours a day, it really cuts down on the tension. |
Anonymous
| Why the need to shoot your mom a dirty look? You can't get your point across kindly? Sounds like you both have issues. |
Anonymous
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Limit your visits, OP. When she complains, just be honest: say that she doesn't exactly make the visit pleasant, and that she appears to be stressed and anxious.
My mother is like this too. She really looks forward to our visits, but after24-48 hours can't handle us and keeps complaining and downright insulting. We always to our best to respect her space and keep HER routine as normal as possible (forget the kids' routine!). Hard to plan a lightning visit as she lives overseas. This is why I haven't seen my mother in a year. |
Anonymous
| my mom does something similar. we live out of state and she pouts that we dont visit but when we do she doesnt make any plans to spend time with us. she does her entire usual routine without carving out anytime to spend with us. she doesnt even plan mealsnwith us we just wnd up doing our own thing. when she visits us we do everything for her and take her everywhere and she is demanding. i think she wants the idea of a super close family with kids that visit all of the time but doesnt like what is actually involved in making that happen. |
Anonymous
Really? someone screams at you and you react kindly? Bullshit. You didn't even react kindly here by giving her usefull advice, I doubt you're better in real life. |
Anonymous
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OP, was she like this when you were younger? My mother had lots of patience with my sisters' kids 20 years ago, but she has undergone age-related mental changes since then, so that her relationship with my kids is not great. She expects them to act like adults and has said some harsh things to my loving son when he has made too much noise in the house, etc. We now stay in a hotel every time we visit so that we aren't in her face all day every day. She cries when we leave, wants us to visit more often, etc., and I do my best to let her disapproval of my kids slide, but I have the tough choice between allowing more time together and limiting it so that my kids don't start disliking her. She was so loving and sweet when I grew up and it's heartbreaking to know that my kids don't know her as she was.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
Oh shut up. There's a difference between "I was asking you to start the car because it's very cold" and "I just pursed my lips, raised my eyebrows, and gave her my best, withering, disapproving mom look. It stopped her cold." OP is an uppity bitch. not my problem. |
Anonymous
Wow. Can't get your point across kindly, huh? Sounds like you have issues. |
Anonymous
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Why all the drama over getting into a car?
OP sounds like the Church Lady, with the pursed lips and withering mom looks. Her mom is just her in a few years. |