How do you leave someone who might be violent?
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Anonymous
| I think I have finally decided to leave. He's verbally abusive but he's never hit me. We fight nearly every day, screaming fights in front of the kids. It's gotten to the point where my kid is even telling me he's not a nice guy. The thing is I'm afraid of what he'll do when I tell him. I'm not ready right now anyway financially, I'll need to save some money. But when I do it, what if he hits me? He's a lot bigger and stronger. And how do I get all my stuff out of the house? And, the worst part, what if he hurts our kid? |
Anonymous
| Is he the kid's dad? |
Anonymous
| Just leave ASAP! The kids are more important than your belongings. Good luck! |
Anonymous
|
It sounds really hard. I know someone who went through this. Do try to set aside some money. Do you have a job? Your own accounts? The person I know went into huge cc debt for the divorce because her ex is crazy and it was costing $5k a month.
Do consult with a lawyer ASAP to find out more. Good luck! |
Anonymous
|
You are right to be concerned. There are exit plan descriptions on various websites. If you are in Montgomery County, you can visit the Family justice Center in Rockville. It provides a lot of resources for people in violent relationships.
http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/fjc/ Here is one plan by Dr. Phil. I don't agree with all of it but it might help you think of things you need. http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/543 Access to transportation away and cash are critical. Extra sets of keys. Disposable cell phone. A place to go. Supportive friends or family. Gather passports so he can't leave the country with your kid. Gather all important documents. Licenses, leases, bills, etc. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
OP, the fJC can help with restraining orders, counseling for you or your son, temporary housing and new cell phones, and some guidance on how to keep yourself safe. They may be able to arrange for a sheriff to be present when you take your things for Example. |
Anonymous
| Exit plan is important. Can you borrow money from someone so you can leave now? Do it when he's out / at work and make sure to leave anything behind that he can use to trace you. Fingers crossed that your kid is NOT his kid and you can cut all ties. |
Anonymous
| This is the op. It is his kid, unfortunately. Thank you all for the suggestions. I think I can borrow some money. I'm so scared I want to vomit, but I just can't deal with him anymore. |
Anonymous
| OP erase all your browser history on this stuff OK? |
Anonymous
Better yet, take all your electronic devices with you so he can't go through them. |
Anonymous
| Can you go to your parents or close relative's home? How old is your child? Better to get out now before your child has emotional problems down the road. I'm in a similar situation... Although not everyday. My husband explodes on me in front of the kids about once every 3 months out of the blue and it last for days (verbal abuse then major silent treatment afterwards). Scary and I'm ready to leave also. I loathe him. Good luck and please keep us posted.. |
Anonymous
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Invite a large male (over 6', 250+lbs) to look after you while you remove your belongings. I did this when an ex hit me. It was done less than 24 hours after it happened. My big friend said nothing. His presence was enough to keep the drama away.
I don't know why people are suggesting a restraining order. If he's not threatening you or doesn't have a history of physically abusing, it isn't possible. |
Anonymous
| Make sure you handle your departure so he doesn't have any idea that you're leaving. I went through this a while ago, and absolute secrecy is the key to a successful (non-violent) exit. Keep your new location secret, develop strategies for "what if" you and your child run into him. |
Anonymous
How is that supposed to work with shared custody? OP is still going to have to see him to handle all of that. She can't withhold access to their child because he argues with her everyday. Even if he hit her, they still have to share custody. |
Anonymous
Come on - put your thinking cap on. You can make custody hand offs through the courts or just do it at a neutral location. This is what my girlfriend did who had a violent ex. One of the things my friend did was scan all important documents and kept copies on flash drives. I had one and she kept one. She also started removing small, meaningful things for her and also gave me several sets of clothes for her and her kids as well as extra keys to her house and cars. Her ex never noticed. It took some time but she had an excellent exit strategy as well as an emergency plan in case things got bad and she had to leave sooner than expected. Stuff can be replaced. People can't. |