Christmas Inequalities

[Anonymous]

We have a big family (5 siblings). There is a spread of incomes across the 5 siblings however 4 are generally financially fine and one sibling has a much lower income. He and his wife have 2 young kids and are just making ends meet (with lots of family support - family provides childcare, lots of meals etc). So they are the ones most in need at Christmas time yet they are the least able to reciprocate and give. I know they often feel a bit beaten down by always being 'takers' and not givers. It is also hard to not have their gifts seem 'inferior' than most of the gifts as their budget is so much smaller. They are very appreciated of the gifts given and we are very appreciative of what they give but it is always an awkward underlying tension. They don't feel like they can ever 'give back'.

How do others deal with income disparities and gifts / support inequalities?

[Anonymous]

The rest of my family has tons more money than I do. But hey, they don't have what I do. We all need each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The rest of my family has tons more money than I do. But hey, they don't have what I do. We all need each other.

What do you have that they don't? I think that is where my brother and family are struggling as it seems we all have what they have and more. I think if there was an area where they felt they could really meet our needs, it would be great. They are just needier all around though at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rest of my family has tons more money than I do. But hey, they don't have what I do. We all need each other.

What do you have that they don't? I think that is where my brother and family are struggling as it seems we all have what they have and more. I think if there was an area where they felt they could really meet our needs, it would be great. They are just needier all around though at this point.

I think your ego is too big. Be thankful that you have an opportunity to give.

[Anonymous]

"they" feel this and "they" feel that. The problem is you are speculating. You are making it the elephant in the room. Start by deflecting this notion that their efforts/gestures are less.

[Anonymous]

Money is only one thing, not everything.

[Anonymous]

We all spend about the same on the nieces and nephews. There was never any discussion of this, but when asked for gift suggestions, I purposefully gave ideas that were no greater than $10/kid. My kids are young and are just as happy with a small figuring, stuffed animal, new thermos, etc. than they are with a giant toy. Even as my DD is getting older, there are plenty of $5 gifts (beanie boos) that she absolutely loves. We buy small gifts as well. When we had more disposable income, if there was something that I knew my SIL needed, I might send it as a "saw this and thought of you," but at holiday times, we keep everything equal.

Lately, what is interesting is that my SIL is asking for expensive presents for her three young children, and this really bothers me. They definitely aren't needy, but think we can afford it and seem to expect us to spend at Christmas. That isn't right to me. In your case, it sounds like your family members are super grateful and appreciative, but that isn't the case in our end.

Everything comes in waves. We used to be the ones with lots of disposable income, but we chosen to spend the extra that we had on private school, and I'm thankful for a small gift exchange.

[Anonymous]

You could draw names for the adults and put a spending limit on gifts for the kids to make everything more fair. If you want to do more expensive gifts then wait for birthday. When it is your birthday you can suggest something that is not expensive but say how much you want it. You could also suggest that they pay for dinner and choose a non expensive place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rest of my family has tons more money than I do. But hey, they don't have what I do. We all need each other.

What do you have that they don't? I think that is where my brother and family are struggling as it seems we all have what they have and more. I think if there was an area where they felt they could really meet our needs, it would be great. They are just needier all around though at this point.

Not everything that is worth anything is materialistic. My poorest friend is the best listener of all my friends, for example. That's priceless.

[Anonymous]

My extended family doesn't exchange gifts. Everyone is much happier not to have the stress of running around buying things. Instead, we spend our money on traveling to be with each other and on contributing to a big meal. That's what the holidays are really about. You should propose it -- you'd probably be surprised how excited everyone would be by the idea, and not just for financial reasons. You can help out your brother and his family in other ways year round not connected to Christmas gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could draw names for the adults and put a spending limit on gifts for the kids to make everything more fair. If you want to do more expensive gifts then wait for birthday. When it is your birthday you can suggest something that is not expensive but say how much you want it. You could also suggest that they pay for dinner and choose a non expensive place.

This. Except I would put everyone, kids and adults, in the a hat and draw names. My large family has several members who are struggling and this strategy has worked for nearly 40 years. We put a $20 limit on the gift. Grandparents buy an additional gift for all the kids, so each kid receives 2 gifts and each adult 1. Kids are just as happy as if they received 10 gifts and nobody feels bad about the gifts they gave or received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could draw names for the adults and put a spending limit on gifts for the kids to make everything more fair. If you want to do more expensive gifts then wait for birthday. When it is your birthday you can suggest something that is not expensive but say how much you want it. You could also suggest that they pay for dinner and choose a non expensive place.

I was going to say just about the sale thing. Great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could draw names for the adults and put a spending limit on gifts for the kids to make everything more fair. If you want to do more expensive gifts then wait for birthday. When it is your birthday you can suggest something that is not expensive but say how much you want it. You could also suggest that they pay for dinner and choose a non expensive place.

I was going to say just about the sale thing. Great idea.

I agree, and I have tried to suggest this for years, and I keep getting pushback because everyone else allegedly "loves buying for all of the grandkids." It drives me crazy, b/c my kids don't need seven more presents, and I think it would help out those that are struggling.

[Anonymous]

OP - this sounds like your problem not theirs. What do you want them to do to not be such "takers"? Should they clean your house or make you homemade meals - you know with all the free time they have since they don't have demanding and lucrative jobs like the other 4 siblings.

Perhaps someone should quietly tell the struggling parents not to buy gifts for the other 4 families. Kids don't keep score and as they get a little older and notice these things, it's good to learn that some families don't have everything they need let alone want. It's a good lesson for your kids to learn that sometimes people struggle and family is there to help you when you need them and someday when you're doing better you return the favor.

Someday the "taker" sibling family might be the ones driving you to chemo or visiting your parents in a nursing home daily to feed them since the staff always rushes them. These people might give you the clothes off their back when you have a house fire or let you use a car when yours is in an accident.

Life has amazing ways of humbling us all. Be thanksful you can give to this family and trust that your family would do the same for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could draw names for the adults and put a spending limit on gifts for the kids to make everything more fair. If you want to do more expensive gifts then wait for birthday. When it is your birthday you can suggest something that is not expensive but say how much you want it. You could also suggest that they pay for dinner and choose a non expensive place.

I was going to say just about the sale thing. Great idea.

I agree, and I have tried to suggest this for years, and I keep getting pushback because everyone else allegedly "loves buying for all of the grandkids." It drives me crazy, b/c my kids don't need seven more presents, and I think it would help out those that are struggling.

Well there method does help out those who are stuggling. It lets them buy them more gifts without it appearing to be charity because they also buy the kids who are not struggling the same number/type of gifts.