Christmas Inequalities

[Anonymous]

Funny, my brother and his wife make $24,000 per year and have 2 kids. Our HHI is around $500K. My kids always want to open their uncle's presents first---this year he got them slinky's, play doh, marbles, and a book. Of all the gifts, these have been the most played with. We're jewish, so these toys have been around for a month now. In short, he knows my kids and buys them things that they will really enjoy instead of the easy things like the latest electronics.

Now--what does he have that I don't have--a whole lot of patience, a sympathetic ear, and experience raising children. He is the first to call me on my crap..."your kids don't need to attend a summer camp that costs XYZ--save your money, they won't appreciate it yet". He's the first person I call when my SN son is having a new issue. He never passes judgement and he always has time to listen to me. He has the patience to take my kids for 2 weeks during the summer. Where he lives, kids can still be kids and they still live by the "don't come home until dark" rule. My kids get a great summer camp experience. Their cousins teach them how to ride bikes in the forest, swim in the creek, make a fire, drink from the hose, knock on the doors of your friends to come out and play. These are all things that I can't give my kids in DC.

In return, his son wants to go on a school trip to Paris next spring. He is holding a bake sale every weekend to try and raise the money. He's 12. He's been shoveling snow, racking leaves, and cutting grass. But in the end, I'm pretty sure he's going to come up short. So I'll write the check. That's how our family works. I may have the money but he has the kindness. We both need each other and we were taught to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny, my brother and his wife make $24,000 per year and have 2 kids. Our HHI is around $500K. My kids always want to open their uncle's presents first---this year he got them slinky's, play doh, marbles, and a book. Of all the gifts, these have been the most played with. We're jewish, so these toys have been around for a month now. In short, he knows my kids and buys them things that they will really enjoy instead of the easy things like the latest electronics.

Now--what does he have that I don't have--a whole lot of patience, a sympathetic ear, and experience raising children. He is the first to call me on my crap..."your kids don't need to attend a summer camp that costs XYZ--save your money, they won't appreciate it yet". He's the first person I call when my SN son is having a new issue. He never passes judgement and he always has time to listen to me. He has the patience to take my kids for 2 weeks during the summer. Where he lives, kids can still be kids and they still live by the "don't come home until dark" rule. My kids get a great summer camp experience. Their cousins teach them how to ride bikes in the forest, swim in the creek, make a fire, drink from the hose, knock on the doors of your friends to come out and play. These are all things that I can't give my kids in DC.

In return, his son wants to go on a school trip to Paris next spring. He is holding a bake sale every weekend to try and raise the money. He's 12. He's been shoveling snow, racking leaves, and cutting grass. But in the end, I'm pretty sure he's going to come up short. So I'll write the check. That's how our family works. I may have the money but he has the kindness. We both need each other and we were taught to share.

You and your family sound awesome!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny, my brother and his wife make $24,000 per year and have 2 kids. Our HHI is around $500K. My kids always want to open their uncle's presents first---this year he got them slinky's, play doh, marbles, and a book. Of all the gifts, these have been the most played with. We're jewish, so these toys have been around for a month now. In short, he knows my kids and buys them things that they will really enjoy instead of the easy things like the latest electronics.

Now--what does he have that I don't have--a whole lot of patience, a sympathetic ear, and experience raising children. He is the first to call me on my crap..."your kids don't need to attend a summer camp that costs XYZ--save your money, they won't appreciate it yet". He's the first person I call when my SN son is having a new issue. He never passes judgement and he always has time to listen to me. He has the patience to take my kids for 2 weeks during the summer. Where he lives, kids can still be kids and they still live by the "don't come home until dark" rule. My kids get a great summer camp experience. Their cousins teach them how to ride bikes in the forest, swim in the creek, make a fire, drink from the hose, knock on the doors of your friends to come out and play. These are all things that I can't give my kids in DC.

In return, his son wants to go on a school trip to Paris next spring. He is holding a bake sale every weekend to try and raise the money. He's 12. He's been shoveling snow, racking leaves, and cutting grass. But in the end, I'm pretty sure he's going to come up short. So I'll write the check. That's how our family works. I may have the money but he has the kindness. We both need each other and we were taught to share.

You and your family sound awesome!!!

This brought tears to my eyes.

[Anonymous]

OP, no gifts for adults and spending limit on gifts for the children.

This is what we do. We are the "poor" ones in the family and I CANNOT keep on taking and giving nothing. Unlike the wonderful post above mine, there is nothing I have that my family has wanted yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a big family (5 siblings). There is a spread of incomes across the 5 siblings however 4 are generally financially fine and one sibling has a much lower income. He and his wife have 2 young kids and are just making ends meet (with lots of family support - family provides childcare, lots of meals etc). So they are the ones most in need at Christmas time yet they are the least able to reciprocate and give. I know they often feel a bit beaten down by always being 'takers' and not givers. It is also hard to not have their gifts seem 'inferior' than most of the gifts as their budget is so much smaller. They are very appreciated of the gifts given and we are very appreciative of what they give but it is always an awkward underlying tension. They don't feel like they can ever 'give back'.

How do others deal with income disparities and gifts / support inequalities?

How the heck is one gift "inferior" to another? Please don't teach such thoughts to your kids. If they were both given with love, that's all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, no gifts for adults and spending limit on gifts for the children.

This is what we do. We are the "poor" ones in the family and I CANNOT keep on taking and giving nothing. Unlike the wonderful post above mine, there is nothing I have that my family has wanted yet.

We do this also. The adults do not need to receive presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, no gifts for adults and spending limit on gifts for the children.

This is what we do. We are the "poor" ones in the family and I CANNOT keep on taking and giving nothing. Unlike the wonderful post above mine, there is nothing I have that my family has wanted yet.

We do this also. The adults do not need to receive presents.

Eh, tho if there are a lot of grandkids and any childless aunts or uncles, i think it is kind of rude not to give anything to the aunt or unlce with no kids after theyve spent lots of time and money picking out gifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, no gifts for adults and spending limit on gifts for the children.

This is what we do. We are the "poor" ones in the family and I CANNOT keep on taking and giving nothing. Unlike the wonderful post above mine, there is nothing I have that my family has wanted yet.

We do this also. The adults do not need to receive presents.

Eh, tho if there are a lot of grandkids and any childless aunts or uncles, i think it is kind of rude not to give anything to the aunt or unlce with no kids after theyve spent lots of time and money picking out gifts

Do they have any pets? The childless aunts and uncles get pet gifts.

[Anonymous]

What happened growing up that makes you all focus on the cost of gifts?

[Anonymous]

Why is this even an issue? Where does this stress or tension come from? If this is "the elephant in the room" it's only because you create that dynamic - there's just no need for that. You seem to put too much value on material things and so whatever your brother is "taking" is being tallied up and monitored. There's no evidence in your post that they are being selfish or unreasonable or greedy in any way. Just let it go.