Are we out of line?

[Anonymous]

Xmas was pretty awful this year with my in-laws, our first year with our newborn. My family is 300 miles away, DH's parents are 10 miles away. We stayed here this year because it is our first Christmas in a new house and we wanted to create some traditions with our baby, plus we just weren't up for traveling to my family.

DH's family does their big Christmas gathering on Xmas Eve at MIL's house, a tiny 2-floor townhouse. BIL, SIL, their spouses, and a 5 year old travel from about 5 hours away each, in opposite directions, and one stays with MIL and the other with FIL, who are amicably divorced and live near each other. fIL is a hoarder; I've never even been in his house. MIL is a chain smoker who thinks we can't smell smoke because if all the perfume, scented lotion, scented candles, and plug-in air fresheners spewing fake fragrance into the polluted air. When DH and I were dating, we would go to MIL's, exchange gifts, eat from her buffet meal, come home and immediately shower and wash our clothes. Id usually have mild asthma symptoms and be sniffly and sneezy for a day. The house is crampEd and oppressive. It's not the house the kids grew up in but MIL has lived there 10 years.

This year, DH said we would not come down for Xmas night because the baby can't be in a smoky house, but that we have a big open kitchen and family room and would be haPPy either to host or to let MIL do her usual buffet and official hosting here. She agreed (grudgingly, stressing over traffic, etc) and I let her take over my kitchen for the day. My family tradition is opening gifts on Xmas morning and then a big formal meal in the afternoon, so I was ok with her doing her buffet the day before and I'd have my dinner for them the next day.

They arrived around 1. Wanted to start opening presents at 4. Wanted to leave by 5. There were not very many presents under the tree, which was weird b/c it's usually insanely overboard with gifts. About an hour before I left, DH realizes that MIL has planned her own 2nd buffet in her own house and intends to open most presents there. They just brought ours and a few others for show here. On top of that she decided to cook her own Christmas dinner the next day so none of them were coming to dinner on our baby's first Christmas. Now, they can't smoke inside here (SIL smokes too) so I can understand them not staying long. I can even understand preferring a familiar, dark, smoky, cramped place to a new location, and can understand MIL wanting her own kitchen. But why waste our time with a fake gift opening and have a secret additional one later? Plus the total diss on Xmas day itself when they don't usually do a formal dinner on that day? The tension while they were here was nuts. I kept escaping to nurse the baby just to get away from them.

I suppose I should be grateful that they were willing to do something different with us at all. I just don't get the subterfuge. And NOzbODY just talks openly about what they want and need, except me (bossy outsider) so it's all this passive aggressive bullshit. I miss my New York Italian family that would fight and say everything out in the open and then make up and enjoy each other! Are we out of line to be pissed? DH is angrier than me.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong to be pissed, but at the same time, don't waste your energy on being pissed. It won't fix anything. They won't change. Either you fall in line and go to the smokey house, or they'll do it without you.

So next year invite your parents and see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed if they said they were coming to your dinner and then announced the day before they weren't. Is that what happened?

The presents thing I would let go, because they clearly have a tradition and at least tried to make an effort for you. I'd have your DH talk to them so you can manage your expectations for the future.

[Anonymous]

You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize with everything except your desire for them to care about baby's first Christmas. Give up on that one. No one cares about your kid as much as you do. It can be a tough lesson to learn.

[Anonymous]

I'd be pissed. I'd try and let that go because you need to think about how you're going to address this in the future. This is just the harbinger of issues to come. Your DC won't be a newborn forever. How will you feel about going to your MIL's for Christmas Eve next year? What if your DC has asthma like you? You definitely aren't going to want her around the smoke/perfume/fresheners. Have you given it any thought?

I know what you mean about hating the passive/unspoken nature of this issue. My family's not Italian but we'd be hashing it all out up front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

Can you not read? OP's MIL's tradition is Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day. Everyone was at OP's houe for Christmas Eve but her MIL instead had a second (eg new tradition) Christmas and dinner at her house on Christmas day.

[Anonymous]

That long ass thesis by the OP was outta line, I tell ya that.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You were out if line. Go spend Xmas eve with them or don't, but don't gave them stop or cancel their celebration. Likely the did Xmas day too bc your presumption screwed up their Xmas eve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't going to her house. She abided by your wishes that she celebrate with your family at your house. But, she didn't want to cancel her own traditional celebration. I am not sure why you thought she should or why you would be upset that she didn't cancel her traditional celebration just because you didn't plan on showing up. I don't think you have any grounds to be pissed about that.

Can you not read? OP's MIL's tradition is Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day. Everyone was at OP's houe for Christmas Eve but her MIL instead had a second (eg new tradition) Christmas and dinner at her house on Christmas day.

Right -- because OP pressured them all come to her house on Christmas Eve, so MIL switched hers to Christmas Day instead.

OP doesn't have to enjoy Christmas at her MIL's, but she & her DH don't get to unilaterally make everyone move it to her house by withholding the new grandbaby.

It seems to me they found a perfectly reasonable workaround to keep having the celebration they enjoy (that you don't), while also celebrating with you. I agree it would've been better if they'd been up-front about it, but some families talk things out and others don't.

[Anonymous]

I just get the feeling that you are often times rude to your MIL OP. You complain about her house being small? C'mon thats bitchy. The smoke is a big downside but ppl need to realize that older adults are terrible ppl because they have a bad habit. I think your MIL tried to do it your way and her way and in my mind that makes her flexible and I don't get why you are pissed??

[Anonymous]

If I had relatives in town, I wouldn't expect them to do all their holiday gift-giving and gift-opening at my house unless they were sleeping over and staying a few days. Really, I'd think you got a sort of gift, not having to do an extending gift-opening time.

And baby's first Christmas? I get that that's a big deal for first-time parents, but it's just not a big deal for the rest of the world, in the grand scheme of things. Christmas with kids gets more fun as they start to participate more. In a few years, the grandparents might be happy to come over to watch your little own open his/her stocking and presents from Santa (that is, if you want them to come!). And one your own child is old enough to fully participate in Christmas festivities, I think you'll be really happy that your own nuclear family doesn't need to also sit through the grandparents' personal gift-opening.

[Anonymous]

Well let's step back and look at this:

--You did not have to spend any time in a smoky, cramped townhouse.
--You were not expected to spend any time in said townhouse.
--At your request, people came to your house to share gifts.
--They figured out a work around that didn't impact you.

You lose me when you write things like "none of them were coming to dinner on our baby's first Christmas." Your baby has no idea what is going on, that it is Christmas and why people might be there. YOU wanted to create your own tradition at your house, but others weren't going for it. Just be happy that you weren't expected to sit in a smoky, cramped room.

Sounds like a lovely Christmas. Stop being pissed. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Xmas was pretty awful this year with my in-laws, our first year with our newborn. My family is 300 miles away, DH's parents are 10 miles away. We stayed here this year because it is our first Christmas in a new house and we wanted to create some traditions with our baby, plus we just weren't up for traveling to my family.

DH's family does their big Christmas gathering on Xmas Eve at MIL's house, a tiny 2-floor townhouse. BIL, SIL, their spouses, and a 5 year old travel from about 5 hours away each, in opposite directions, and one stays with MIL and the other with FIL, who are amicably divorced and live near each other. fIL is a hoarder; I've never even been in his house. MIL is a chain smoker who thinks we can't smell smoke because if all the perfume, scented lotion, scented candles, and plug-in air fresheners spewing fake fragrance into the polluted air. When DH and I were dating, we would go to MIL's, exchange gifts, eat from her buffet meal, come home and immediately shower and wash our clothes. Id usually have mild asthma symptoms and be sniffly and sneezy for a day. The house is crampEd and oppressive. It's not the house the kids grew up in but MIL has lived there 10 years.

This year, DH said we would not come down for Xmas night because the baby can't be in a smoky house, but that we have a big open kitchen and family room and would be haPPy either to host or to let MIL do her usual buffet and official hosting here. She agreed (grudgingly, stressing over traffic, etc) and I let her take over my kitchen for the day. My family tradition is opening gifts on Xmas morning and then a big formal meal in the afternoon, so I was ok with her doing her buffet the day before and I'd have my dinner for them the next day.

They arrived around 1. Wanted to start opening presents at 4. Wanted to leave by 5. There were not very many presents under the tree, which was weird b/c it's usually insanely overboard with gifts. About an hour before I left, DH realizes that MIL has planned her own 2nd buffet in her own house and intends to open most presents there. They just brought ours and a few others for show here. On top of that she decided to cook her own Christmas dinner the next day so none of them were coming to dinner on our baby's first Christmas. Now, they can't smoke inside here (SIL smokes too) so I can understand them not staying long. I can even understand preferring a familiar, dark, smoky, cramped place to a new location, and can understand MIL wanting her own kitchen. But why waste our time with a fake gift opening and have a secret additional one later? Plus the total diss on Xmas day itself when they don't usually do a formal dinner on that day? The tension while they were here was nuts. I kept escaping to nurse the baby just to get away from them.

I suppose I should be grateful that they were willing to do something different with us at all. I just don't get the subterfuge. And NOzbODY just talks openly about what they want and need, except me (bossy outsider) so it's all this passive aggressive bullshit. I miss my New York Italian family that would fight and say everything out in the open and then make up and enjoy each other! Are we out of line to be pissed? DH is angrier than me.

I would be annoyed, too. Unfortunately, it appears that MIL is passive-aggressive about changes. I agree that future holiday plans are probably going to be bumpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well let's step back and look at this:

--You did not have to spend any time in a smoky, cramped townhouse.
--You were not expected to spend any time in said townhouse.
--At your request, people came to your house to share gifts.
--They figured out a work around that didn't impact you.

You lose me when you write things like "none of them were coming to dinner on our baby's first Christmas." Your baby has no idea what is going on, that it is Christmas and why people might be there. YOU wanted to create your own tradition at your house, but others weren't going for it. Just be happy that you weren't expected to sit in a smoky, cramped room.

Sounds like a lovely Christmas. Stop being pissed. Life is too short.

+1

Seems to me they were fairly accommodation.

The problem here is the lack of communication: why doesn't DH talk to his family ahead of time about these things?