Big difference in finances.

[Anonymous]

There is a big difference between my siblings finances and my husband and my finances. We are currently really struggling. Husband just lost his job so paying the bills is tough. Siblings, especially sisters family, are uber wealthy. They love to talk about their exotic vacations, their second homes, their extensive wine cellar, their presents to each other etc. They appear to have the perfect life. It's always a little hard not to be jealous but right now it's very hard. I know I should be grateful for what I have and you never know what struggles other people are going through but it's hard to hear about the upcoming trip to vail or the new beach house or the trip to Tuscany when I'm worrying about how to pay the heating bill.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. Is your family aware of your situation now? If so and your sister continues to talk about her money in such a frivolous way, I would just try to be honest and tell her how it makes you feel. She s either clueless or herself insecure, coming from some childhood sibling rivalry. You can't change her behavior, but just do the best you can and be honest with her.

[Anonymous]

Are they blind? Or are you guys trying to hide your situation and pretend you are just as well off? If this is your sister (not DHs) then I'm not sure how she could be so insensitive. I've been on both sides (unemployed for 6 months earlier in the year, now making great money) and it ought to be obvious to her that you are struggling. So she either LIKES rubbing your face in it, or she needs to be told point blank that you are in dire straits. If you were my sister, I'd be using my huge income to make sure you were ok and didn't have your heat turned off in the middle of winter...

[Anonymous]

You never know...they might be in debt up to their eyeballs.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the understanding thoughts. I think all these high income activities are just such a part of their life that they are clueless. I also think they are surrounded by people in the same situation so it's their "normal." They may not be aware how tough things are for us. It's a little hard to change the conversation and not talk about a vacation and other things with other family members just because of our new situation. It just makes me want to not have much to do with them, which is kind of a shame. I know everyone has challenges so I have to remember that money doesn't shield you from problems.

[Anonymous]

Coming from the other side my family is pretty obviously jealous of how much my husband and I make and it makes me sad. I can't talk about something I bought at auction because I feel the jealously or even my own fears about the future because they brush off my concerns that our careers aren't 100%. It just puts you in a position where you don't want to talk about trips or anything other than mundane topics. Also I've been asked to bail out an irresponsible family member. In your case have you even told your sister that you're having problems?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you, but how about this... why don't you try -- and I mean try, because I know it will be hard -- to enjoy it all vicariously through them? We have family friends in this situation and that is what I try to do. "Oh you're going to Tuscany? I've heard it's beautiful. Tell me about it! What was the food like?" Be sincere and interested... "I would love to ski one day. Is it hard to learn how?" etc etc. In other words, if this is their world and all they know, try to join in on the level that you can. I have actually found that it changes my envious attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming from the other side my family is pretty obviously jealous of how much my husband and I make and it makes me sad. I can't talk about something I bought at auction because I feel the jealously or even my own fears about the future because they brush off my concerns that our careers aren't 100%. It just puts you in a position where you don't want to talk about trips or anything other than mundane topics. Also I've been asked to bail out an irresponsible family member. In your case have you even told your sister that you're having problems?

Yes, our family knows DH lost his job. I'm sure it can be awkward at times for you to feel like you have to temper what you say but is it so important to you to talk about what you spend money on? There are so many other things to talk about... Current events, politics, children, ask how other people are... If I'm around someone I know who doesn't have a lot of money I don't talk about my spending or my money.

[Anonymous]

It isn't my family but I have drifted apart from my best friend because of this. I am so paranoid that she may think I am bragging. I feel I cannot talk about anything that is related to money. I know she is struggling financially. She isn't working and her DH doesn't earn much. They have no kids.

I love to travel so I may talk about our past and upcoming vacations. I have even offered to take my friend on a girlfriend vacation and she declined. She actually seemed insulted and blew me off that I missed traveling with her. I have not called her since. I sent her a holiday card and she hasn't commented that she received it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming from the other side my family is pretty obviously jealous of how much my husband and I make and it makes me sad. I can't talk about something I bought at auction because I feel the jealously or even my own fears about the future because they brush off my concerns that our careers aren't 100%. It just puts you in a position where you don't want to talk about trips or anything other than mundane topics. Also I've been asked to bail out an irresponsible family member. In your case have you even told your sister that you're having problems?

Your trips are mundane to someone who wasn't on them. Your purchases at auction are unbelievably mundane to someone else. There are so many things to talk about, but you think money is exciting?? What a strange person you sound like. I don't think it's jealously you're getting from them; it's boredom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming from the other side my family is pretty obviously jealous of how much my husband and I make and it makes me sad. I can't talk about something I bought at auction because I feel the jealously or even my own fears about the future because they brush off my concerns that our careers aren't 100%. It just puts you in a position where you don't want to talk about trips or anything other than mundane topics. Also I've been asked to bail out an irresponsible family member. In your case have you even told your sister that you're having problems?

I don't think it's jealously. I don't really care about someone's purchases at auction, and if someone tried to have a conversation about it with me, I'd be bored to tears.

And if you're talking about things you're buying at auction and then big trips you go on, can you blame them for not taking seriously your "fears about the future"? If someone told me how much they were spending on stuff and travel and then expressed anxiety about the future, I'd tell them, "Well, if you really have legitimate fears about the future, you wouldn't be spending so much money. You'd be saving it." You sound sort of insufferable.

I'd also like to add that I think a purchase at an auction *is* a mundane topic.

And my parents have always been asked to bail out irresponsible family members, and they actually don't make a lot. They just happen to be the most responsible of all of the family members. So even people who don't make a lot have that problem -- being asked to help irresponsible relatives. I think that happens in poor families, rich families and everything in between. There are always people who make bad choices and they usually if they make a lot of bad choices, family members are the only people who still care about them, so that's who they ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coming from the other side my family is pretty obviously jealous of how much my husband and I make and it makes me sad. I can't talk about something I bought at auction because I feel the jealously or even my own fears about the future because they brush off my concerns that our careers aren't 100%. It just puts you in a position where you don't want to talk about trips or anything other than mundane topics. Also I've been asked to bail out an irresponsible family member. In your case have you even told your sister that you're having problems?

Your trips are mundane to someone who wasn't on them. Your purchases at auction are unbelievably mundane to someone else. There are so many things to talk about, but you think money is exciting?? What a strange person you sound like. I don't think it's jealously you're getting from them; it's boredom.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

OP here: So should I just avoid them because they make me feel bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: So should I just avoid them because they make me feel bad?

I'm not suggesting you cut them out of your life forever but why not avoid/spend a little less time with them for right now since you're going through a lot. When your DH has landed a new position, then you can see how you feel about hanging out with them. It may go back to "normal" -- as in talking about their trips to Vail may spark some jealousy but you largely won't care; as opposed to right now where it may be hurtful to hear about those things as you're thinking about next week's grocery bill. Hang in there. Wishing you a much better 2014.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coming from the other side my family is pretty obviously jealous of how much my husband and I make and it makes me sad. I can't talk about something I bought at auction because I feel the jealously or even my own fears about the future because they brush off my concerns that our careers aren't 100%. It just puts you in a position where you don't want to talk about trips or anything other than mundane topics. Also I've been asked to bail out an irresponsible family member. In your case have you even told your sister that you're having problems?

Your trips are mundane to someone who wasn't on them. Your purchases at auction are unbelievably mundane to someone else. There are so many things to talk about, but you think money is exciting?? What a strange person you sound like. I don't think it's jealously you're getting from them; it's boredom.

+1000
My thoughts exactly. Is there a more mundane topic than an auction or a trip?