Dreading family dinner
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Anonymous
| I am dreading my Christmas dinner. I am recently divorced ( no kids) bringing my new boyfriend to meet my family ( parents and 2 sisters). My mother and sisters are gorgeous, and I look like my dad. I have had weight issues my entire life. My mom and sister like to make a huge issue out of it, they make jokes, and embarrass me. I have spoken to them many times nothing changes. For example last year i drove somewhere with my mom and she found some papers from my annual physicial in the car and she learned my weight. That same day my sisters emailed me diet tips etc. I am maybe 15 lbs overweight. When I brought my ex husband over for the first time my mom said something like maybe he can motivate me to be " healthy" code word for "skinny" . They kept telling me that my ex is so handsome, i need to lose the weight so he does not cheat on me. At my wedding my older sister said something like she did not think i would marry someone so cute During her toast! my marriage broke up over some complex issues not related to infidelity. My mom and sisters constantly make comments about what I wear and how certain things will be more flattering for my body type. Nothing I wear ever pleases them I think they would prefer me in a burka. I have to go because I want the new guy to meet my dad. I am day's favorite, I think he was trying to compensate for their torment and we became very close. He is 20 years older than my mom so he will not be around much longer, that's why I want him to meet my boyfriend. I guess I am just dreading being embarassed in front of the new boyfriend who I like very much. Just tired of being the fat sister who failed at her marriage. Rant over. |
Anonymous
| So skip dinner and invite dad out for a beer to meet the new guy. |
Anonymous
|
i suggest stirring things up a bit when they ask how you met say somethign like I met him while i was volunteering at the local jail or when they ask what he does sya somethign liek he is a clwn for kids borhtdays nad makes great ballon animlas.
show them what they are doing doesn't bother you. you are ahppy with him and enjoy life without them just take the higher road. They are doing this because they are insecure about things |
Anonymous
This is funny. I guess I need to Lear how to distract them away from me. |
Anonymous
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So be the awesome sister who isn't shallow and is above petty shit from her mom and sibling. Be the awesome sister who managed to get out of a marriage that didn't work AND land a boyfriend you really like. Be the awesome sister who doesn't give a damn about her insecure mother and sister.
And definitely take PP's suggestion to meet dad for a beer with boyfriend. Awesome sister doesn't engage with nonsense or allow herself to be a victim. |
Anonymous
|
Sorry, there's no way I'm bringing the new guy around that kind of negativity. Skip it, invite Dad out for a beer and have fun.
Life's too short for these bitches to drag you down OP. They sound horrible. Don't let their negativity rub off on you - you snagged one good guy (I assume the ex was a decent person) and now you have another one. Good on you. |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry, OP. Family can be one's biggest torment. My mother is like this, thankfully I have no siblings to tease me. Maybe you have no funds for this right now, but I strongly suggest discussing this with a therapist, or at least reading some books about self-esteem in families who continually criticize. The long-term goal for you is to process these jabs differently so that they do not hurt you, allowing you to interact constructively with your family. In the short-term however, limit contact. Allow yourself to skip this dinner and invite Dad on your own. If they ask why, no need for diplomacy: just say that years of bullying about your appearance have made family gatherings really obnoxious for you. Feel free to ignore voice mails, texts and emails as well. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
I totally agree! You ARE the awesome sister! Clearly your ex-DH and this boyfriend could see beyond what your shallow mother and sister see. I bet those two men aren't the only ones! You are AWESOME! |
Anonymous
Thank you DCUM. I considered skipping the dinner, but boyfriends family is on the West Coast and he wanted to meet my parents. I was embarassed to tell him about how they are and so now it's happening. I am going to have to man up and tell him that there are going to be some jokes at my expense. My ex was always uncomfortable with my mom's conduct and would always shut her down. Not sure how this guy is going to handle it. I do need to start seeing a therapist to resolve some of these issues. Unless I resolve them now I don't see how I will continue a relationship with my mom and sisters once my dad passes. |
Anonymous
+1. Explain to your boyfriend what kind of people your mother/sisters are. I'm sure he'll understand why you don't want to go. |
Anonymous
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What's the point of being gogrgeous outside when they are ugly inside - make comments that's hurtful to you on purpose.
If the man wants to meet your parents, that's a good sign. The bf will only be curious about just how awful are these family members-and does he want to be part of that kind of family. If you are true to yourself, you will be fine. Just let him know how they make you feel. Let's see how that plays out. Maybe he'll stand up and defend you. If you hear comments you don't like, just let them know. Because they've been doing it for so long, they think it's normal. Have you told them you just don't like it? If not, just tell them so: Can't you guys just say something nice and not criticize me. If it repeats, just say, that's the 3rd time, you have to bring my weight into this issue. Strike 3, you are leaving and you don't care if it ruins their dinner, then, just say, dad, i will call you and meet up with you later. |
Anonymous
| If you do decide to go (I think you should skip it) talk to your boyfriend in advance about the issues to have and how you would like to deal with it and how he can be helpful in that. Don't just wait and see what he does--you'll be on tenterhooks anyway waiting for them to say something offensive and hurtful. The two of you can be proactive about it and practice working as a team. |
Anonymous
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Prep the boyfriend because he will be shocked to hear some comments and you will undoubtably have some hurt reactions. Then prepare yourself with some lines to respond to their hurtful comments. Even basics like, "I can't believe you said that," "wow, that was rude," "who says things like that?!" and, turning to your boyfriend, "I told you what they are like, didn't I?" Embarrass them for their rude behavior.
And when you get home, start thinking about why you continue to allow this. I made a break from my family when I realized they are kinder to a CVS checkout person than me. |
Anonymous
| How about actually sitting them both down and telling them how hurtful they have been to you? Tell them how you feel about their behavior. It may take a while for them to stop, but every time they say something please call them on it. |