Lack of Baby Gift Etiquette: Should I ask if they received the gift?

[Anonymous]

[Cross-posted with the Expectant Moms Board, too]

Is it just me, or does it seem like there is an ever-increasing lack of etiquette with respect to sending thank-you letters for baby gifts? I have had several friends give birth in the past 5 months, and made sure to send gifts...but I never received a thank you. The frustrating thing is that I don't know whether the packages got there or not, so I want to make sure the gifts were received.

So...here's my question: Is it wrong / inappropriate to email the gift recipient a few months later and ask them whether they received it?

I've noticed the same thing with wedding gifts. When DH and I got married, several people we invited to the wedding (including close friends and family) didn't even send us so much as a card let alone gift. This includes friends who we sent wedding gifts to. We agreed that a gift wasn't necessary, but a card or friendly email would have been nice.

Whenever we are invited to a wedding we ALWAYS send a gift, even if we cannot make it...but half the time we don't even get a thank you note back. What gives?

Again - question re: whether it's appropriate to follow up with these folks and ask about whether they received it?

[Anonymous]

I would cut some slack to the new parents. I always sent thank you notes within a week or so of receiving a baby gift b/c that is what my mother taught me to do. If you haven't heard anything from them within a few weeks, I don't think there is anything wrong w/ a call or email asking if they received it. But don't always count on a thank you note anymore. Sad but not everyone was taught the same as we were.

[Anonymous]

I think it's appropriate because if the gift didn't arrive you'd want to look into claiming it. I'd make sure to let like 2 weeks go by, though, and do it light heartedly. Emphasize that you want to make sure it arrived. Every time we get a gift from my husband's family they send it via the postal service and it takes like 10 days to get to us. When we're not calling them to say thanks after a couple of days, they call to see if we got the gift. It always makes me feel like they're accusing us of not sending a thank you note, and we haven't even got the gift yet.

The other thing is, yes you should thank you notes, but I think new moms should be given some slack. I had so many thank you notes to write and I was so incredibly tired all the time. The sleep deprivation had me feeling like I was in a dream state all the time. I tried to keep a list of gifts received and check off who I sent notes to, but it got confusing in the state of mind I was in. I really hope I did not forget anyone.

As far as wedding gifts, I didn't want my friends to give me gifts or even cards. I told them not to, I just wanted them there. They all signed my guest book with a special note, and that's enough for me.

[Anonymous]

When are you sending the gifts? If you're sending them right when the baby arrives, I think it is understandable if the parents are too overwhelmed to get out thank you notes or even keep track of who sent what gift. If you really want a thank you, or to know that they received the gift, why don't you just send a card and give them the gift when you next see them? Or wait until the baby is 8 weeks old.

[Anonymous]

I understand that this may seem rude but when you have a new baby sending out thank you's in the last thing on your mind. And that is not to be rude. I waited so long to send out thank you's I felt like a fool sending them out at 5 months. I did call people and said thank you when gifts arrived. OP, can you check the UPS/FEDX tracking to see if the gift was delivered?

[Anonymous]

I'll admit it- I am one of those moms. I get about 80% of my thank you notes written - and that 80% takes me about 3 months. Yes, I am embarrassed about it. Yes, I am teaching my children to send them more promptly (but at this point, only one of them is old enough to do her own). But the fact remains that I don't usually get them all done.

I am not offended when people call to follow up on whether the gift was received. Sometimes I am grateful for that- at every birthday party at least one or two cards fall off and I am left wondering which family brought which gift, or my husband will open a baby gift and throw away the card without telling me what it said.

So flame away. I know I should do better, but I'm doing the best I can.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- Just wanted to clarify that I completely understand about a new mom not having a lot of time to write thank you notes ASAP...heck, I can relate. But we're talking about 4-5 months going by and not knowing if a friend received it. I do think that's pretty bad - even an email thank you or a quick phone call or text message is fine by my book...just SOMETHING to know that the gift was received / acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

This is difficult. Here's a little story I have on the wedding gift that provides a different angle: One of my semi-good friends was invited to our wedding. Now, this woman is the queen of etiquette but she didn't come to our wedding (which is totally understandable and fine) AND to my knowledge never sent us a gift. It doesn't bother me that she didn't send a gift, it's more just shocking because I know how she is. So - that begs the question: Did she send a gift and I just never received it for some reason? Is she sitting around wondering why I never sent her a thank you note? Often I've pondered a good way to bring it up with her (this was seven years ago now) but never have because I just can't think of the right way to say, "Hey, did you ever send me a wedding gift?" Meanwhile maybe she's always wanted to say, "Hey, why didn't you ever send me a thank you note or even acknowledge our gift?"
Now, I'm not saying this is always the case, but sometimes it's possible.

[Anonymous]

How about lack of posting etiquette for cross posting something trivial?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is difficult. Here's a little story I have on the wedding gift that provides a different angle: One of my semi-good friends was invited to our wedding. Now, this woman is the queen of etiquette but she didn't come to our wedding (which is totally understandable and fine) AND to my knowledge never sent us a gift. It doesn't bother me that she didn't send a gift, it's more just shocking because I know how she is. So - that begs the question: Did she send a gift and I just never received it for some reason? Is she sitting around wondering why I never sent her a thank you note? Often I've pondered a good way to bring it up with her (this was seven years ago now) but never have because I just can't think of the right way to say, "Hey, did you ever send me a wedding gift?" Meanwhile maybe she's always wanted to say, "Hey, why didn't you ever send me a thank you note or even acknowledge our gift?"
Now, I'm not saying this is always the case, but sometimes it's possible.

No no no! If she didn't attend the wedding, she's under no social obligation to send a gift. She just didn't get you a gift. And it's perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

I am not from the U.S so I am not used at all with thank you cards. Here is my question: Do we have to send them always?

What if the b-presents are open when the child receives them and then she/he goes on to say "thank you" to the guest in person?

What if you call to say "thank you"...

Just wondering.

[Anonymous]

For the OP's original question - I sent thank you's very soon after receiving gifts, but found out that 2 people didn't receive them. They inquired to make sure we had received the gifts and I was pretty embarrassed to find out that they hadn't received the cards. I was glad that they checked in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is difficult. Here's a little story I have on the wedding gift that provides a different angle: One of my semi-good friends was invited to our wedding. Now, this woman is the queen of etiquette but she didn't come to our wedding (which is totally understandable and fine) AND to my knowledge never sent us a gift. It doesn't bother me that she didn't send a gift, it's more just shocking because I know how she is. So - that begs the question: Did she send a gift and I just never received it for some reason? Is she sitting around wondering why I never sent her a thank you note? Often I've pondered a good way to bring it up with her (this was seven years ago now) but never have because I just can't think of the right way to say, "Hey, did you ever send me a wedding gift?" Meanwhile maybe she's always wanted to say, "Hey, why didn't you ever send me a thank you note or even acknowledge our gift?"
Now, I'm not saying this is always the case, but sometimes it's possible.

No no no! If she didn't attend the wedding, she's under no social obligation to send a gift. She just didn't get you a gift. And it's perfectly fine.

Wait a second. Since when it is okay to forgo giving a gift just because you aren't attending an event? The general etiquette rule is that you send a gift regardless if you're attending. If you get an invite, you give a gift. Or at the very least, a card. I'm not Miss Manners or anything but if you're trying to follow traditional rules of etiquette as the OP was referencing, this is what you do. If you don't think it's necessary to send a gift even when you're invited to a wedding, shower, etc, fine. But there will definitely be people who consider that rude. And I don't think there's any excuse for not sending a thank you note in response to a gift. I understand being a new mom and taking time to send an acknowledgement out but to not do it all is the definition of rude. It reminds me of what my grandmother said to my cousin after she had been sending her money for her birthday for years with no acknowledgement... "Marie, if you don't have time to write the thank you note, I don't have time to write the check!" Marie never missed a thank you note after that.

[Anonymous]

Yes. People should write thank you notes. But sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle.

I view baby gifts as a little different - especially after having my DD. Things are so nuts for the first few months that it's pretty easy to sympathize with new parents not doing thank you notes. YES, they should. (And yes, I did all of mine - within a month i think.) But if they don't, can't most people understand why thats the case. I would not call 4 to 5 months later and say "i never got a thank you from you, did you get my gift?". You need to cut new parents a few months slack on the notes, is my view, and after that long tracking teh gift back down if it did get lost would be pretty tough.

Wedding presents are different. There are not earth-shattering, major life-altering changes after a wedding. People should do their thank yous and a follow up to make sure it was received (and to make sure it didn't get mixed up so that they just weren't sure who sent it) would be totally in order about a month after the event if you haven't heard anything by then.

BTW, i totally disagree that you're required to send a gift for any event you're invited to. I think Miss Manners actually gets asked something along these lines on a regular basis and I'm virtually positive the requirement is to send an RSVP and (at least) a card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not from the U.S so I am not used at all with thank you cards. Here is my question: Do we have to send them always?

What if the b-presents are open when the child receives them and then she/he goes on to say "thank you" to the guest in person?

What if you call to say "thank you"...

Just wondering.

Official etiquette states that if you thank the gift giver in person for the gift, you do not have to send a follow-up thank you note.