Help me with a reality check

[Anonymous]

So my SIL just had her first early this morning. We are fairly close (as are she and my DH). We had been emailing frequently the previous few days (as we often do) with me showing clear anticipation and excitement over becoming an aunt and wanting to be involved as much as possible from afar (she lives in another state). She called my DH yesterday morning to say her water had broke and then updated him later with a message that she was headed to the hospital. After that, we didn't hear anything until a call this morning from my MIL saying she had been tired of waiting for news all night (MIL lives an hour away from her but wasn't allowed to come to the hospital) and called to check in with SIL's DH right when SIL was being wheeled out of surgergy (she ended up with a c-section). My MIL didn't even know the name when she called to update us. So, DH and I were hopeful for a call from SIL herself (or her DH) at some point today when she was feeling up to it with the good news (and a name!) No call. Finally we get a group email - including to extended family - with the name and more details from MIL (who had subsequently had a conversation with SIL). Then a while ago, SIL sends out a mass email to us, other family, and extended friends announcing the birth with the first pics - but still no personal call to us.

I too had a c-section a couple of years ago so I'm not totally oblivious on how all this goes, but I can't help but feel that DH and I have been slighted and I'm a little bummed out about it. Would you feel this way at all or do I just need to shut up because this woman just gave birth and I need to be thinking of her and not myself? Of course now I'm wondering if we should try and call her ourselves or just wait until she decides to call. I know we didn't like feeling inundated with calls in the hospital after DS was born and I was recovering from surgery - but we also personally called all of our immediate family while I was in recovery and said SIL was actually there in person with us at the hospital (she had flown to DC to be there).

[Anonymous]

She may have wanted to tell everyone at once to avoid this very thing- ie, "you told her before me?!" drama.

Given the close relationship and the fact she was there for you, I'd put aside the hurt feelings for now and call to congratulate them.

If its still eating at you later you can playfully comment on it and see if you get a reason- ie, "and how's my favorite sil doing, even though i only found out about my niece/nephew by mass email?" (sorry, doing too much to think of something good- but you get the gist.)

Really, I'm sure it was not a slight, but just the way the cookie crumbled.

Who knows, maybe she''s upset you didn't call her to find out more updates knowing she was in labor?

[Anonymous]

I understand feeling like you'd love to talk and that you're missing out a bit - but, yes, I think you should definitely cut her a break and not in any way hold this against her. Everyone's different re: how they feel after a c-section, whether they want to talk to anyone at all. Call if you want to talk, but understand if you catch her at a bad time. You'll have lots of chances to get to know the baby and spend more time with your SIL - don't let this taint the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. She is not trying to slight you, this is not about you at all. She is probably overwhelmed and just wants to take time to herself for now. Everyone is different. I called everyone I knew and talked all day when I had DS. But I have close friends who were the opposite and I just got a generic text from and then talked to them later in the week when they were ready. I didn't care...I was just so happy for them! Just like you should be for your SIL!

[Anonymous]

I don't think I would feel slighted. She is probably exhausted, hormonal, and overwhelmed. Now if she had called others but not, you, maybe, but otherwise, let it go. And try and give her a call and see if she's up to talking. She may appreciate you taking the lead.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. I know I need to get over it. I'm just surprised that beyond it being about me, that her brother was not on her call list for today (we know she called her parents). DH and I both hate the phone but we definitely called our immediate family ASAP as we knew they were all waiting on news (just as we have been) and she certainly would have been one of our first family calls if she had not been there in person. After immediate family, we too weren't really interested in talking with anyone else for a while. Anyway - thanks for the advice!

[Anonymous]

Reality check, since you asked for it: She had major surgery. She has a new baby. You should feel glad for her and concerned for her, not personally slighted. Let it go, and quickly.

[Anonymous]

If I were the brother, I'd be pissed, especially since they are close. I have 3 siblings and this is not how our family rolls. Certainly a mass email goes out, but LONG after the immediate family gets calls.

Personally, bought my address book to the hospital and even though I was still loopy after surgery and a bit drugged, I called all close friends and family.

You have a right to your feelings of hurt, but all in all, you have to let it slide. I think you already know that. I know guys are different, but your husband is really the one who should have a beef.

[Anonymous]

I just had a c-section 6 weeks ago. If I had to predict how I would have acted I would have thought I would have called everyone right after the birth. Instead I felt too overwhelmed to even get on the phone. The phone was ringing off the hook and I had messages piling up...I was dealing with recovering and a preemie. We called our parents, but other than that I didn't speak to my brother and sister (who I am close to) until later in the week. I wouldn't take it personally..just wait for her to get adjusted.

[Anonymous]

I had a c-section and w/ being doped-up, in a lot of pain and unable to reach the phone on my own, no calls got made for awhile. Not to mention the hormones! I also tried to sleep and nurse and deal w/ visitors and have some private time w/ DH and new DC to get to know DC and just experience our new family. Please give them a break, they may feel overwhelmed on many fronts. She may feel that b/c you ARE close and have had a C-sect. that you will understand and cut her some slack while she deals w/ everyone else! Try hard to roll with it so this special time isn't overshadowed by unnecessary family strife.

[Anonymous]

I'd be pissed.

[Anonymous]

I had a long, exhausting labor and ended up with a rather traumatic c-section. I hadn't slept in 36 hours, I was drugged to the eyeballs, and I still called the three or four people (in addition to my parents and brother) who had been the most involved and interested. It was almost midnight, I woke a few people up, and I have no idea what I said to them. But it seemed obvious to me that before passing out, I HAD to make those calls. It seemed like the least I could do for all the support I'd gotten.

[Anonymous]

I think everyones responses go to show that everyone handles this situation differently and you probably can't expect someone to handle it in the same way that you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL just had her first early this morning. We are fairly close (as are she and my DH). We had been emailing frequently the previous few days (as we often do) with me showing clear anticipation and excitement over becoming an aunt and wanting to be involved as much as possible from afar (she lives in another state). She called my DH yesterday morning to say her water had broke and then updated him later with a message that she was headed to the hospital. After that, we didn't hear anything until a call this morning from my MIL saying she had been tired of waiting for news all night (MIL lives an hour away from her but wasn't allowed to come to the hospital) and called to check in with SIL's DH right when SIL was being wheeled out of surgergy (she ended up with a c-section). My MIL didn't even know the name when she called to update us. So, DH and I were hopeful for a call from SIL herself (or her DH) at some point today when she was feeling up to it with the good news (and a name!) No call. Finally we get a group email - including to extended family - with the name and more details from MIL (who had subsequently had a conversation with SIL). Then a while ago, SIL sends out a mass email to us, other family, and extended friends announcing the birth with the first pics - but still no personal call to us.

I too had a c-section a couple of years ago so I'm not totally oblivious on how all this goes, but I can't help but feel that DH and I have been slighted and I'm a little bummed out about it. Would you feel this way at all or do I just need to shut up because this woman just gave birth and I need to be thinking of her and not myself? Of course now I'm wondering if we should try and call her ourselves or just wait until she decides to call. I know we didn't like feeling inundated with calls in the hospital after DS was born and I was recovering from surgery - but we also personally called all of our immediate family while I was in recovery and said SIL was actually there in person with us at the hospital (she had flown to DC to be there).

Glad you came here to get a reality check. I would not give it a second thought. Some people need the time. There's the big surgery, medication, hormones, new frontier, breastfeeding, so many big things . . . she is not slighting you. Be happy when you next see them and the baby!

[Anonymous]

After I gave birth, I was exhausted and overwhelmed and didn't call anyone. I would call her if I were you and not let her know that you were upset b/c I would bet it would make her sad to know that.