Mom getting in the way of sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

My sibling and I are not particularly close, yet my mom has a relationship with each of us individually. I am noticing that anytime we attempt to become closer and make arrangements to get together our mom gets jelous and wants to crash. Not that I'm going to allow it, but as an observation, her being around constantly prevents us from ever having 1-on-1 time and getting a chance to build a relationship of our own. Same goes for trying to get just my kids to know and have a closeness with my brother. When mom is around she tends to take over and the vibe completely changes. She's in on (and dominates) every conversation, activity etc.

I feel like she has kept us from each other our whole lives as a control thing (kind of like Marie on ELR) she likes to be the one who knows everyone's secrets - good and bad. It's just gross to me that instead of wanting us to be close, she would be jelous that for instance, brother gets to see her grandchildren this one time, instead of it being her. This is an example of something she has expressed as a passing comment while also talking about plans to come visit at the same time as brother.

I want to know if this is a common theme in families or just unique to mine?!

[Anonymous]

It could be control, it could be loneliness.

Make your plans and let her know ahead of time that this is your "bonding time." Emphasize ahead of time the next time she will be included and the time you will be contacting her to let her know how it went. Does she know how you feel about rebuilding the bond? Are you open with her about how important that is to you?

[Anonymous]

How about not sharing your plans to get together with sibling? Just do it and then tell mom about the lovely time you had with brother after the fact.

Stop sharing everything. You can control that.

[Anonymous]

She has turned down numerous invites to come visit. It's only when brother and I have something set up that she wants to get involved. She has also attempted to stop it from happening, like setting up an appointment she needs him to drive her to. It's petty.

So it's just my mom that does this? It's not a "thing" in families?

[Anonymous]

Common theme in families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has turned down numerous invites to come visit. It's only when brother and I have something set up that she wants to get involved. She has also attempted to stop it from happening, like setting up an appointment she needs him to drive her to. It's petty.

So it's just my mom that does this? It's not a "thing" in families?

Go back and re-read 6:06. Please, OP, stop telling mom when you and bro are going to be getting together. If bro is telling her, talk to him about not doing so any more. When you want an all-family get together, make that happen, but why are you and/or he telling mom in advance when you plan to meet? As 6:06 posted -- you can control what you tell her. Stop telling her. She might fuss about it when she finds out later but just smile a big smile and say, "Gee, mom, Bro and I are adults here and just found a good time for him to come over. The kids need to know their uncle, after all. I know you'll be glad that your kids get along as adults." And drop it.

Yes, this happens in other families. Not in mine but I've seen it in others -- the parent (can be a dad too) who just has to be in on everything and assumes that all interactions between his or her adult children should include the parent. Some of it is indeed jealousy over a sibling who gets to see the grandkids at a time when grandma/pa doesn't, and some of it is being unable to understand that adult siblings CAN have a relationship that is outside their relationship to the parent.

You sound very self-aware and you have done a good job of seeing through mom and dissecting what she's up to here. But you can now take the next step and just stop informing her. Is it possible that you and/or bro tell mom about your get-togethers in some hope that she will be happy the two of you are trying to build a relationship? Maybe you hope on some level that telling her you're seeing each other is going to be positive and fulfilling for her as your parent? Clearly that's not how she is thinking or reacting, so let go of any desire to show mom that "Look, we get along, your kids are OK together" and only tell her after the fact -- if at all.

When she is gone you and your brother will have each other so it is very good that you are building a relationship now; keep doing it. My bro and I were always cordial but never close, and still are very different people with very different priorities and interests, but we have maintained a good relationship, geographical distance permitting, since my mom died (and before--she did not do what your mom is doing). I am glad to know he's around now that our parents and even aunts and uncles are all gone. Keep it up, OP.

[Anonymous]

I look back with regret that my mom was not able/didn't want to foster a relationship between with my brother & me. It always seemed she was worried that I'd like him more than her. He is my half-brother but we were raised together, he is about 5 years older. I do realize we didn't have a lot in common, but she would pit us against each other. "Contests" to see who could do something better or faster, like clean our rooms. She would compare us to each other in front of each other, he is so much funnier, he is so popular, she always behaves. I don't ever remember going to any of my brother's sports events; he played all through middle & high school. She would complain to me all the time about him, stuff she should have been saying to my dad or a friend. My brother & I are working on getting closer, it just feels so unnatural. The way my sibling relationship was handled is the main reason I only wanted and have one child.

My point being, parents are people, too. They are susceptible to bad choices and being led by their emotions. Best thing, learn from it and handle it differently for your own children.

[Anonymous]

I'd say call her out on it gently. "Mom is seems you have a hard time with Brother and I spending time together without you here, why is that?" She'll probably deny it, but at least you will have let her know you caught on. In fact, I'd even broach this with your brother. "Have you noticed mom seems to get a little jealous when we hang out without her?".

[Anonymous]

Stop telling her in advance. Honestly, you don't even have to tell her after the fact.

I find it strange and it's certainly not a thing in my family, extended or in-law.

[Anonymous]

She is triangulating. This is a common practice among people who feel insecure, or have other psychological problems. Don't share your plans with her. She asked for it.

[Anonymous]

I guess it is possible she is triangulating etc., but is it also possible she just wants to be included because she likes being around you guys? Her perspective could be that you're excluding her. What's the harm in having her around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess it is possible she is triangulating etc., but is it also possible she just wants to be included because she likes being around you guys? Her perspective could be that you're excluding her. What's the harm in having her around?

Although OP noted that she only injects herself when it is BOTH her and brother, mom's not interested in spending time with OP alone...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Common theme in families.

+1

Both my Mom and MIL do this ALL THE TIME. And I can't get BIL to stop telling her everything. I think he just likes stirring the pot..prick