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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She has turned down numerous invites to come visit. It's only when brother and I have something set up that she wants to get involved. She has also attempted to stop it from happening, like setting up an appointment she needs him to drive her to. It's petty.

So it's just my mom that does this? It's not a "thing" in families? [/quote]

Go back and re-read 6:06. Please, OP, stop telling mom when you and bro are going to be getting together. If bro is telling her, talk to him about not doing so any more. When you want an all-family get together, make that happen, but why are you and/or he telling mom in advance when you plan to meet? As 6:06 posted -- you can control what you tell her. Stop telling her. She might fuss about it when she finds out later but just smile a big smile and say, "Gee, mom, Bro and I are adults here and just found a good time for him to come over. The kids need to know their uncle, after all. I know you'll be glad that your kids get along as adults." And drop it.

Yes, this happens in other families. Not in mine but I've seen it in others -- the parent (can be a dad too) who just has to be in on everything and assumes that all interactions between his or her adult children should include the parent. Some of it is indeed jealousy over a sibling who gets to see the grandkids at a time when grandma/pa doesn't, and some of it is being unable to understand that adult siblings CAN have a relationship that is outside their relationship to the parent.

You sound very self-aware and you have done a good job of seeing through mom and dissecting what she's up to here. But you can now take the next step and just stop informing her. Is it possible that you and/or bro tell mom about your get-togethers in some hope that she will be happy the two of you are trying to build a relationship? Maybe you hope on some level that telling her you're seeing each other is going to be positive and fulfilling for her as your parent? Clearly that's not how she is thinking or reacting, so let go of any desire to show mom that "Look, we get along, your kids are OK together" and only tell her after the fact -- if at all.

When she is gone you and your brother will have each other so it is very good that you are building a relationship now; keep doing it. My bro and I were always cordial but never close, and still are very different people with very different priorities and interests, but we have maintained a good relationship, geographical distance permitting, since my mom died (and before--she did not do what your mom is doing). I am glad to know he's around now that our parents and even aunts and uncles are all gone. Keep it up, OP.[/quote]

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