I don't know what to do with my second pregnancy...Do I really want this?

[Anonymous]

DH and I got married when we are in early 20s and our DS was born 3 years later. He is a perfect child. Throughout the pregnancy, everything was perfect. No morning sickness, one hour pain-less natural labor, always slept through the night, and ate everything we fed him....I mean, he is an angel. He is now 7 years old and is a perfectly healthy, straight A student and a great athlete. Can't wish for anything more as parents. DH and I are in early 30s now and we both have great stable jobs, a cozy house in a friendly neighborhood and everything seems to be working out great. Now that our DS is getting older, I was even thinking about going to a grad school. DH is in his career prime and has just began traveling a lot for his job. And then, three weeks ago, we found out that we are pregnant. DH and I have started our life together much younger than our friends, who are just getting married and having babies now. So, both of us have talked about having another baby, but then, we realized, no, everything is going great right now, so we don't want to change a thing. But then now, we are pregnant. DH seems to be happy and excited, but I'm not so happy. DH tells me the decision is up to me because I would be the one carrying a baby. He says he'll support with whatever I decide....The thing is, DH will continue traveling for his job a lot, so that means, I will be left to deal with everything (pregnancy, baby care, daycare, etc) alone, with a great help from DS. But it's been so long since I did all the baby stuff, I don't know if I want to do it again....or if I could enjoy it as much as I did with our DS. And at the same time, I hear how siblings can have completely opposite personalities/attitudes. If our DS is so perfect, then, what this second one will be like? Opposite? I haven't told the pregnancy news to anyone yet since I'm only 9-weeks, but we've got a huge decision to make very quickly.....Has anyone come across with feeling like mine? What do you all think?

[Anonymous]

I think the question for you is whether you want a second child, not whether you want a baby. All the issues you raise concern the first year or so of your child's life, but, as you know from having a 7 year old, that is just a small period of time in your and your child's life. So, if you really want a second child, I think that makes it easier to get through the first year and see the light at the end of the tunnel - that once you get through it, you'll find companionship and all the other things in the second child that you love in your first child.

[Anonymous]

Later on when you feel more ready to have a second child, you might not be able to get pregnant and then you will regret not having had that child you are pregnant with now. It's not that easy to get pregnant when you want to. A child is such a blessing and there are so many women who desperately want to get pregnant and are not able to...
Also, I don't know why you think your second child would not be as perfect as the first one, he probably will be and also he might get along really well with your DS, you just don't know, why assume the worst? If you don't want to care for your baby, why not hire a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Later on when you feel more ready to have a second child, you might not be able to get pregnant and then you will regret not having had that child you are pregnant with now. It's not that easy to get pregnant when you want to. A child is such a blessing and there are so many women who desperately want to get pregnant and are not able to...

Comments like this are so predictable and not helpful at all. Yeah, lots of people who want kids have a difficult time getting pregnant, but that has nothing to do with the OP's situation. She shouldn't make her decision based on crap like this.

I agree with the other PP that the question is whether you want another child. The baby stage isn't always fun, but it does go by quickly. And I know lots of people who have had 2 easy kids. Children in the same family can be completely opposite, but it's not something you can predict or base your decision on.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for helpful thoughts. Babies don't stay babies forever....they do grow to become great children. It's nice to know that DS would have a sibling to talk to/related to when they are older, even though they will have almost 8-year gap in the age....DH and I need to talk more...

[Anonymous]

My brother and I are 8 years apart. There was absolutely no sibling rivalry (something that my 2 and 4 year olds have buckets of). I got a lot of one one one time (I was the younger child) from my parents and that was nice. They weren't paying for two college tuitions at the same time, etc. There are tons of benefits to having the kids spread out.

[Anonymous]

I think these are all valid questions to be asking yourself although I'm sure you are going to get a lot of judgmental comments here (not to mention the Troll :roll. I think it's perfectly normal to question your ability to parent two children, particularly when everything is organized so perfectly in your life right now and a baby is going to upset that apple cart. I'm pregnant with my first and tried forever to get pregnant, then went through a period of self-doubt during the first trimester "what have i done, am i ready for this, etc etc"

I think, though, that you've already made your decision to keep this baby since it's been 3 weeks since you found out and you still haven't ended your pregnancy. I hope you do keep it. You seem like you're a great mom and will be a great mom to this new baby.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand where you are coming from, and can empathize with your situation. I agree with the PP who stated that you need to figure out whether you wanted a second child, period. The timing may not be ideal, but if you had even remote plans for a second, then perhaps this is fate!

I also agree that you need to focus on the fact that the pregnancy / baby years are very short, and before you know it baby #2 will be off at school along with #1! Then, you could easily go back to school full-time. Or start part time grad school (I did law school part time in the evenings). The good news is that you started young, so you still have PLENTY of time to do things for your own self, too. I firmly believe that a mom can wear many hats, and have many friends who went to law school, and even medical school with a toddler (and during pregnancy). Was it easy? No. But it can be done with the support and wherewithall. It's also a bonus that your first child is a little older, and can help out a bit, rather than another young toddler who is completely dependent on you. I also think you need to discuss travel schedule / commitments with your DH to see if he can cut back a bit, so you can also focus on your career and educational goals. With a baby #2 things need to be more of a 2-way street. My DH travels A LOT for work, also...sometimes for weeks at a time. We have an arrangement that he is responsible for getting additional help for me while he is away, since I also work full-time and am on full-time baby duty while he traveling. It's hard, but I know that it's part of his job, and that we knew the issue when we got married. Just make sure your DH is on board and is willing to step up...that is a major MAJOR consideration in whether you plan to continue the pregnancy. You will need the help one way or another.

My brother and I are 8 years apart, and it was amazing for me growing up...I was able to help raise him, change diapers, help Mom, teach him all kinds of cooler big kid things (e.g., like how to dance!). I looked out for him. Now, the age gap has closed and he is my best friend rather than a younger kid brother. The age gap is just awesome and taught me a lot.

No child is perfect, so you have to be willing to deal with the fact that #2 cannot live up to #1 in all respects, and vow not to constantly compare them. That, in and of itself, could be emotionally hard for #2.

Good luck with making your decision! Just make sure you do it with no regrets, either way!

[Anonymous]

It's sad to read that you view this pregnancy and baby as "messing" up your perfect house, life, comfort zone, etc.

Think of it the other way - all the wonders and joys a little bundle of joy brings. Your son was an angel, so what makes you think that baby #2 won't follow the same path?

[Anonymous]

Comments like this are so predictable and not helpful at all. Yeah, lots of people who want kids have a difficult time getting pregnant, but that has nothing to do with the OP's situation. She shouldn't make her decision based on crap like this.

I agree with the other PP that the question is whether you want another child. The baby stage isn't always fun, but it does go by quickly. And I know lots of people who have had 2 easy kids. Children in the same family can be completely opposite, but it's not something you can predict or base your decision on.

I completely disagree. It's not just about deciding whether or not to have a second child b/c in this case OP already IS pregnant. And for your information, I personally know a lot of women who got very easily pregnant with their first child and then were unable to get pregnant with another child. It's called secondary infertility. So I don't think OP can just assume that she will always easily get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have sympathy for you. You and DH had just decided that life was good as is and POOF. Preggers.

Whatever decision you make, please do it with DH and possibly counselor. Ending this preg. could have SERIOUS ramifications on your marriage and family, especially if your DH is excited. He could quietly resent you, and you him, chipping away at each other emotionally. It is NOT just your decision to make, it is a COUPLE decision.

Whatever you do, good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, let me tell you about my situation so that maybe it gives you some perspective. I have two adorable boys and found out I was accidentally pregnant with a third about 4 weeks ago. At the time I found out, I was shocked and quite frankly not at all happy about it. DH was surprised as well and went through a period of not being too pleased either. I even posted on here about it. We never considered terminating the pregnancy (though we are certainly pro-choice for those that feel that an abortion is the best choice for their family).

About a week ago, I had my first OB visit (and a sonogram to determine the baby's due date). Well turns out all is not going well with the fetus. I won't bore you with details, but suffice to say that some online research has indicated that there is almost an 80% chance of a miscarriage. I have another sonogram scheduled for next week and there is still some hope, but things don't look great.

After all my initial doubt about having this baby, I was shocked by how depressed and saddened I was at the thought of miscarrying. Perhaps things are slightly different b/c - since DH and I did decide to have this baby, we were trying really hard to be super-excited about it - but I think it took something like this to happen for me to really appreciate how open I was to having another.

You've known you were pregnant for 3 weeks now. I may be wrong, but I bet you are more like me and may surprise yourself with how much you will end up really wanting this baby. And I don't have a doubt in the world that once born, you will adore that child as much as your first.

[Anonymous]

I'm pregnant - by choice! - with #2 after a sort of longish battle with secondary infertility and m/c, and I'm surprised about how much ambiguity I feel about it now that the baby's almost here. I think once you're past the diaper and toddler phase, there is something jarring about the prospect of returning to that... particularly if you're going to have to handle more of the burden yourself. From my perspective, I see nothing wrong with acknowledging these feelings and in your case, with contemplating all your options carefully. I don't think that my lack of exuberance means I can't or don't or won't love my child - it just means that having been down this road before, I know how difficult parts of the parenting experience are and I'm not taking this lightly. I will say that when I took my son on a "sibling" hospital and they held up infants in the nursery, I burst into tears. And I know that when I have my baby to hold, I won't feel anything but joy (oh yes, and exhaustion etc etc.) So OP, don't feel guilty about your concerns - air them now, think it all through, ensure your husband's full support and buy-in of any decision you might make as one PP said. And if you decide to go forward, congratulations.

PS I'm one of those who kind of hopes that #2 isn't a perfect replica of #1... but that's only because #1 was and sometimes still is such a handful. Nowhere near the perfect child you describe yours to be! Still, he's the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and brings more love and happiness into my life than I could have ever imagined... that was our basis for having #2, and if you love your first as much as you seem to from your note, a second will bring just as much happiness, even if he turns out to be a crazy little man like mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to read that you view this pregnancy and baby as "messing" up your perfect house, life, comfort zone, etc.

Think of it the other way - all the wonders and joys a little bundle of joy brings. Your son was an angel, so what makes you think that baby #2 won't follow the same path?

I completely agree with this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to read that you view this pregnancy and baby as "messing" up your perfect house, life, comfort zone, etc.

Think of it the other way - all the wonders and joys a little bundle of joy brings. Your son was an angel, so what makes you think that baby #2 won't follow the same path?

I completely agree with this post.

Me too. And it's said a lot more nicely that I would have put it.