Putting limits on helping a parent
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Anonymous
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My mother recently asked for money and after sending one check I said no to the second request which came pretty quickly afterwards. The problem is that she is in her early 60s and currently has no assets, is renting, and her "job" is selling real estate. I can't seem to get her to try and earn a normal income (I have for years) or to apply for government benefits. Instead she has borrowed money from a relative and declared bankruptcy as well as spent down all of the money she had from the sale of her home. Her minimal IRA is likely gone now as well (even though I tried to get her to use it towards buying a condo several years ago - but she didn't want to she wanted for me to pay for the condo).
Saying no is really costing me. My sister is furious because my husband and I make $X a year (she is guessing the amount) and she can't help right now herself since she is saving for a wedding (but she would if she could). I just don't think it would be helping to hand over another couple of thousand without a plan. I feel very guilty but want to know if others have been in a similar position. A parent who just won't fix their life. Also, she has been pretty verbaly abusive over the years. I have the money now but I also want to buy a home and fund my kid's 529 while keeping a healthy emergency fund. Plus I'm pretty neurotic about money having grown up with money problems in my family. I should add that my father isn't in great shape but managed to pull himself together the past 5 or so years to earn enough to have a nest egg, paid for car, etc. And he's 70! I guess I should say that I can't afford the amounts she's requesting, the first was $2,000, the second was $3,000, on a monthly basis (in her mind this is all a "business loan"). |
Anonymous
Yes, I've been in that position. Abusive, controlling mother who quit her job at 44 and refused to work afterwards, despite having a PhD, saying that "she has a husband and a daughter" so she doesn't need to. Turned out, husband wasn't earning "enough." I helped for several years, never got a "thank you." One day she called to say that they ran up their credit cards to the tune of $60K and had no money to pay rent. I was a new mother and an only breadwinner in the household at the time. I paid her next month's rent and said that this is it. That was 9 years ago, she hasn't called me since. |
Anonymous
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Posts like this make my blood boil. Biology is supposed to flow downhill, each generation helping the next. It is not fair for your mother to expect you to divert limited resources away from grandchildren to her.
/rant If I were you, OP, I would give her a check for whatever you can afford and tell her, "this is all I can give you from this point on because my family needs my income - you'll need to find ways to support yourself going forward." And then shut down the ATM. It's ok if you cannot give her anything - in that case tell her no, along the lines of the above script. |
Anonymous
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Stay strong, OP. You need to put that money to fund your OWN retirement, and your kids college fund, so you can:
a. Be able to support yourself when you retire b. Give your kids the best start you can afford You say your family had money problems growing up? Not surprising the way you describe your mom. She's not going to reform. Money you give you might as well light on fire. |
Anonymous
| I can't imagine asking my kids for financial help. |
Anonymous
I agree and would only add item c.: Not rely on your kids as your retirement plan. OP, your first obligation is to your children. Stay strong. |
Anonymous
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A leopard doesn't change its spots. If someone has been bad with money for 63 years they are going to be bad with money for the next 63.
I think you need to make a decision about what you will do, write a check for that amount, and then no more. Make it clear that is the final check. |
Anonymous
I would never plan it, but if there was some unexpected disaster like a sickness that made you lose your job and run up huge medical bills then maybe. But expecting to mooch off your kids is unacceptable. |
Anonymous
My DIL's mother is always asking her for bill money, gas money, clothes, you name it. Last year she asked for Christmas presents and made a list of what she expected. Total $2000. 
DIL handled it this way. She told her mother she could no longer support her and told her it was causing problems in the marriage. Mom went to another family member. |
Anonymous
I'd get a job cleaning toilets before I'd ask my kids for money even if I were sick. |
Anonymous
| This is the OP. I feel guilty because my DH and I do make a very good income. But who knows about the future and our savings come from living below our means. |
Anonymous
I hear you, and I've been there. But the answer is the same no matter what your income. |
Anonymous
| If you can and want to give her something else, I'd do it as a lump sum and not monthly and say that this is it -- that's all you can afford and there won't be more. I'd also consider not giving it to her as cash if you can help it; it would be better if you could put it into something useful for her -- like into a condo/apartment down payment. If there isn't that much to give -- why not give it as grocery store gift cards so you'll know she eats, no matter what else she's doing. |
Anonymous
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My MIL ran off two husbands and has eight kids. She would not make it without her kids helping her. One son who never married bought her a condo. The others pay for things like trips and plane tickets.
My parents saved for years. They would never ask for money. |
Anonymous
This is my mother. But I am her son and I won't let her work in her 70's. She messed herself up financially but is very frugal. She gets a check every month. Who lets their mother starve? Lighten up, folks. |